Death is my Gift
by Jigbokwe
Summary: Basically all the missing scenes from after Buffy died, including Angel finding out, the funeral and Buffy and Angel meeting up after Willow brings her back. B/A all the way but Spike and Cordy friendly.
1. Prologue

**Death is my Gift. **

Prologue - (Sacrifice - Christophe Beck)

**Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the Buffy verse characters do not belong to me; the show belongs to the genius that is Joss Whedon. (Who I will be eternally grateful to for bringing that show into my life.) Though if I'd owned it things might have gone a little differently**

**I really wanted to write a piece of fanfic surrounding Buffy's death when Angel finds out and when she comes back for two main reasons. One cos obviously it wasn't depicted in the show and everyone has their own idea of how it all goes down so this is mine. And two because I really hated the way Joss portrayed Angel in that time like he seemed not to care as much as he should so I wanted to change that.**

**I also wanted to give a reason for why Angel eventually allows his feelings for Cordelia to develop even though he left Buffy because of the curse. I never got why Joss did that so I wanted to create my own explanation in some of the words Buffy says to Angel when they meet. I hope when u read it u can see what I mean. Hope u like. Had originally intended it to be pretty short just the scene where Angel finds out, a funeral scene and meeting between the Buffy and Angel when he finds out she's alive.**

**But cos I love the show soooo much I got carried away writing more. Please review this is my first ever piece of writing and first ever fanfic, critical suggestion is welcome just don't be to harsh lol. Oh and there is some bits of canon just to set the scene or explain things etc. And suggestions for music that would go with that scene.**

**I'm B.A all the way by the way. I've watched the show since I was 11 I'm 24 now and I'll always be B.A. I don't know how anyone can love and appreciate the show and not be. The idea of Angel and Cordelia makes me want to gag. I like them as best friends but nothing more. So this is kinda therapeutic for me as it helps me to create a reason 4 Angels temporary insanity which made him believe maybe he wanted to be with her.**

**Prologue **

The world was falling down around them. It seemed that the end was here. The two sisters stood together atop the tower as for a moment the world slowed. A decision had to be made, an act of bravery chosen to save their friends, to save the world. Dawn, the youngest Summer's knew what she had to do, any more hesitation and the fear might hold her back, she had to be brave – just like Buffy had always taught her.

And so Dawn tried to run past her slayer sister, but Buffy grabbed her back. 'What are you doing?' She questioned looking at Dawn, fear in her eyes.

'I have to Jump,' Dawn cried. 'The energy.'

'It'll kill you.'

Dawn sniffed. 'I know,' she spoke softly. 'Buffy, I know about the ritual. I have to stop it.'

'No,' Buffy argued, as the Tower shook underneath them, making them both stumble.

'I have to. Look at what's happening!'

Buffy looked around horrified as a huge dragon emerged from a portal near the tower, flying by them into town. Unable to stop it, she couldn't believe this was happening. But she couldn't let Dawn die. It was her job to protect her, Dawn was an innocent, and she was her baby sister. She wouldn't let this happen. There had to be another way.

'Buffy, you have to let me go.' Dawn pleaded trying to get Buffy to understand, she was going to be brave, she was going to do this. 'Blood starts it, and until the blood stops flowing, it'll never stop.'

Buffy stared at Dawn, the anguish written all over her face.

Dawn tried again tearfully. 'You know you have to let me. It has to have blood.'

And then suddenly it dawned on Buffy the truth of those words. She knew now how to save Dawn; she knew what she had to do. She remembered Spike's words to her earlier that day. 'Cause it's always got to be blood.'

Then she remembered what the monk had said to her, what she herself had said to Dawn.

'It's Summers blood just like mine.' The monks had made Dawn from her blood, and the first slayer had told her, had given her the answer all along. 'Death is your gift.' It didn't have to be Dawn.

She could be the one to close the portal, she could be the one to end this and save her sister. And just like that she felt at peace, this was what she was supposed to do; this was what she was meant for. Determined and so sure of herself all her fears left her body. She was the slayer and it was her duty to hold back the darkness and protect the innocents like Dawn.

She would do this. Buffy turned around looking out at the platform; holes were appearing everywhere now creating breaches in the sky. The sun was rising, it was time. Turning back to Dawn, Buffy looked resolute. Dawn stared at her wide eyed, realisation of what Buffy was going to do written clear on her face. 'Buffy no,' Dawn cried desperately.

'Dawnie, I have to.'

'No!'

'Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen.'

Buffy held Dawn and began to talk as the world fell apart behind them. 

'Dawn listen to me, listen...I love you. I will always love you, but this is the work that I have to do... Tell Giles...tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.' She finished her voice strong and clear.

Buffy stroked Dawn's cheek with her hand, memorising her face. Then she kissed her cheek, kissed her goodbye. Buffy looked at Dawn, just one more moment she thought still clasping her sisters hand. Then she let go of her life, she turned and she ran for the edge, and she let go, she had said goodbye, accepted her Gift and jumped.

_Dawnie I love you. Giles, Xander, Willow. Spike look after her. Mum, Oh god Mummy I love you, maybe I'll get to see you now. I've missed you. Angel...Angel, Angel I wish I could have seen you one last time._

Down below they gathered- Willow and Tara stood holding each other up in support, they walked slowly and painfully forward with Giles, and Xander holding Anya in his arms. They moved forward all focused on the same spot ahead. The spot where the lifeless body of the Slayer lay.

Spike stumbled closer, falling to the ground, shielding himself from the rising sun, his face bloodied and coated in dirt. Willow and Xander began to cry as Anya bowed her head in sadness shielded by his strong arms. Giles too wept at the loss of the woman he considered his daughter. Spike with his hands over his face sobbed openly. And Dawn descended the stairs of the tower, coming towards the others. Coming towards the lifeless body of Buffy Anne Summers- the slayer - the girl they all loved.


	2. 1 Broken

**Chapter one – Broken soul. **

It was night out when they came back through the portal from Pylea and returned to the Hyperion hotel, a place that now felt like home to all of them. Angel, Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia, and the newly acquired member Fred entered the garden court, a sense of euphoria hung in the air at their safe return.

Angel pushed himself to the front as they neared the doors leading into the hotel. Smiling he turned his head, his hand on the door pushing it open. 'Okay, can I say it? I wanna say it?'

'Say what?' Wesley smirked.

Walking into the lobby Angel started. 'There's no place like...' But he trailed off as he noticed the lonely figure of Willow sitting hunched up in the lobby. His smile vanished as he looked at her. 'Willow?' He questioned.

Willow slowly stood up never taking her tear soaked eyes of Angel, as she walked towards him and then he knew instantly, whispering quietly to himself. 'It's Buffy.' He knew the moment he saw her, he knew that she was gone; he knew that his life as it was, was over. He knew that all he had been fighting for was useless, meaningless, she was dead. Buffy was dead.

The others who had been laughing only moments ago stopped with Angel, noticing Willow too. Even Gunn and Fred unfamiliar with who Willow was sensed the immediate change in the atmosphere. Wesley and Cordelia stepped forward to stand by Angel, Cordelia lightly touching his hand in silent comfort. Wesley placed his hand supportably on his shoulder and they both turned to look at Willow, as they realised to. Buffy. Wesley's face looked horrified.

Willow moved slowly as if in a trance and took measured steps towards him as if only she and Angel were in the room. Looking into his eyes she said the words he had often had nightmares about. ' I'm so sorry Angel, Its Buffy, I'm sorry I couldn't stop her, I have all these powers and I couldn't save her, she's dead.'

'No,' he whispered hoarsely, his voice broken with the pain. It couldn't be possible, it couldn't!

'She cant...it can't have all been for nothing, she can't...she's Buffy, she can't be...' He trailed off, looking deep into her eyes searching for a different answer, but he saw only the truth of her words, she looked so sad, so weary. 'No Willow,' he cried bringing his hands to his face. A Tear falling unashamedly down his face in a silent protest of pain.

And it was as if his words broke whatever had been left of Willows shield to. She had sat in the hotel for hours, thinking about what she would say to Angel, remaining strong, not allowing the tears to fall again, she'd cried so much since Buffy had died, and she resolved that she would be strong for Angel.

She had wondered where he was having been unable to get a hold of him by phone and a small part of her had even hoped that he wouldn't show. So she wouldn't have to say the words out loud and witness the despair on Angel's face that she was seeing now. Saying it out loud had made it all so much more real for her. – Buffy was gone.

She had known that she would have to be the one to tell him and the thought had broken her heart. With his words she could no longer hold it all in, she let out a huge sigh and then began to cry, wrapping her arms around herself as if protecting herself from the pain. Without hesitation both Wesley and Cordelia moved towards her then to offer her comfort, and Angel just stared.

Gunn feeling as if he was intruding on private grief took a very confused and worried Fred's hand and led her into the main office. He had heard about Buffy from Wesley - the Slayer, and the love of Angel's life. I great weight settled in his stomach as he thought about the pain Angel must be feeling. About the inevitable loss in battle and his thoughts drifted to his own loss, his Sister and what that had felt like and he shed a silent tear.

'How?' When Angel spoke again the words came out so hoarse and full of sadness that Willow's pain deepened further. He looked so utterly defeated. As Buffy's best friend she had felt it was her duty to support him. She had known how much Angel had truly loved Buffy and she wanted to give him the opportunity to be at the funeral and grieve for her properly and say goodbye.

She didn't know yet if she had the power to bring Buffy back and Angel deserved to know. She had been frightened of how he would react, frightened that the pain would be enough to send him over the edge, and bring the destructive nature of Angelus forth.

She missed her friend so much it was hard to put into words, her and the rest of the Scooby's were struggling to get from day to day. Xander had lost his light, and Giles was talking about going back to England. Buffy was her best friend. She had changed Willow's life fundamentally in so many amazing ways the day she moved to Sunnydale. Then there was Dawn, she had lost her big sister, the person who had always been there for her, always protected her and had ultimately sacrificed herself so that Dawn could live.

Even Spike seemed defeated. They had been so unsure and untrusting of his loyalty and feelings towards Buffy. But when he had seen her broken body he had fallen apart, there was no other way to describe it. He had cried like she had never seen a grown man do before. In a way that a few years earlier they could never have imagined possible from him. He was a broken man, well Vampire, who had loved her after all.

Still Willow had known no matter how much pain they were all in it would be nothing to the way Angel would feel. He was her soul mate that much Willow was certain of. However cruel fate had been separating them she still believed that fundamentally they were meant for each other and had hoped deep down that someday somehow that would be possible.

So now she felt like she had failed him and Buffy. Like it had been her duty to look after her till that time came and now it was over.

And still he stood there...

So Willow told him. The others excused themselves and Angel led them into the privacy of his downstairs office. He sat down at his desk looking dazed and confused. Willow took the seat in front of him and began to talk. She explained all about Glory and Dawn being the Key. She told him how Buffy had realised that as her and Dawn shared the same blood then she too could close the portal and stop Dawn from having to do it.

'I should have tried something else, maybe then me and Spike could have saved her.' She added without thinking, her voice breaking as the story brought back all the terrible memories of that night.

Angel looked suddenly startled, 'Spike?' he questioned, 'I don't understand what he has got to do with this?'

'He...' Willow stumbled over her words, thinking carefully about how to say what she had to say. 'He's been helping us, helping Buffy, for the past few months actually, with patrolling and fighting Glory. He kept the secret even when Glory kidnapped him. He's been a lot of help.'

'But why?'

'Erm ...I don't know how to really say this to you Angel, it's just that...'

'He loved her didn't he? 'Angel interrupted in a cold sharp voice as the answer suddenly dawned on him.

'How did you...?' Willow let the question go unfinished; shocked at the turn the conversation was taking.

Angel sighed deeply, looking Willow directly in the eyes, holding her gaze as he began to explain.

'Buffy told me a while ago about the chip, we spoke on the phone a lot since...since I left. She explained to me why she was allowing him to stick around, I didn't like it but I wasn't in her life anymore, so who was I to interfere?' He sighed before continuing.

'I didn't know he'd been helping you guys though. Spike's a sucker for love, he picks the most unattainable women, always has done. I wondered at the time what was in it for him sticking around, he could of left and looked for a way to get rid of the chip and instead he chose to stay in Sunnydale at the mercy of the slayer. I thought maybe he had feelings for her but I dismissed it as me being Jealous. But I guess I was right,' he said his tone so flat.

Willow looked down at her hands her discomfort at this topic obvious. 'He blames himself you know, for not saving Dawn for Buffy having to do what she had to do. We all do really.'

Angel sighed again. 'It's not your fault Willow, any of you, not even Spike. At least you guys were there. Oh God Dawnie, how is she doing? First Joyce, now Buffy, she's too young to deal with all this, she was so young the last time I saw her, 12, or...' He paused suddenly confused.

'Or the last time I thought I saw her, it wasn't even real. Damn it!' He shouted, slamming his hand down and making a dent in the table causing Willow to jump slightly. All the anger at everything coming to the surface.

Willow regarded him sadly. 'She's only about a year old in reality, but we all have the memories Angel, doesn't that make it real enough?' Willow replied. 'Poor Dawn, she's too young for all this, to find that out and then to lose them both, she's so strong though, that alone prove that she truelly is Buffy's sister. '

Angel stood abruptly. 'I can't deal with this Willow, I can't, I don't know what to...to do now.' His voice broke as he spoke, head bowed in defeat.

Willow responded instinctively and reached forward and did something which shocked both herself and Angel, putting both her arms on his, shaking him lightly. To both of them this was an acknowledgement of how much thing had changed.

That the barriers that had once existed between him and the Scooby's, no longer existed. Willow and Xander had been just kids back then, afraid of Angel and what he represented.

But in the time that had past, in the time that they had all grown they had realised that things weren't as black and white as once thought.

At this moment Angel needed Willow, and Willow was no longer the geeky, nervous young girl she once was. She was strong, powerful and she would be there as best she could. She realised in that moment that she would be the strong one. She would be what Buffy had always said she could be but had never believed herself.

'Angel, I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. We all miss Buffy, we all loved Buffy, but you and her I know that was something else... I mean the odds were so against you guys, it was cruel really that you should love each other, vampire and slayer. Yet the love you had for each other was so clear, so obvious. I mean if I lost Tara I don't know what I would do. I can only imagine the pain your feeling. But Buffy would want you to be strong.'

'I know,' he sighed, letting Willow guide them back to their seats.

'We'll have the funeral in two days then if you'll come. We were waiting for you. Will you?' She asked tentively.

'Of course Willow, I need to see for myself. I need to say goodbye.'

'Erm...' Willow started nervously, 'Spike will be there, are you okay with that?'

Angel looked at her an unreadable expression on his face. 'I can't pretend I like it, but Buffy trusted him, and he was there when I should have been. I probably owe him a lot, and for that reason it's okay with me. Just as long as I don't have to stand next to him.' He added jokingly with a small smile.

Willow smiled back. 'I think we can arrange that, you can stand next to Xander instead.' She joked back. 'The funeral will be at eight, after the sun has set for obvious reasons, just all of us Scooby's, nobody else.'

'Not even her Father?' He questioned, surprised.

'No he doesn't know, nobody else does, there's a whole other thing involving a Buffybot, its Erm probably best if you don't know the details.'

'A Buffybot?' He questioned looking confused. 'You know what you're probably right, I don't want to know.'

There was a long pause of awkward silence before Willow stood. She turned toward Angel a note of finality in her voice.

'I have to get back Angel; there are things I need to sort out.'

He stood then to see her out, moving to stand in front of her. She clasped his hand for a brief second in comfort and shared grief, before offering him a brief smile.

'I'll see you in two days right?' She asked sounding unsure.

'Two days,' he confirmed.

'Bye Angel,' and with that she turned her back and walked out the door.


	3. 2 Beloved

**Chapter Two – Beloved **

Angel sat in his office staring but not really seeing; he had remained in the same position for the last few hours. Brooding Buffy would have called it, he smiled at that thought then winced as memories of her overwhelmed him.

He had been trying not to think of her. The first time he had seen her sat on the steps of Hemery, her long blond hair falling past her shoulders shining in the sun. Their first meeting in the alley, when she'd been all sassy yet he'd sensed the vulnerability behind her sharp words. Their first kiss; it had been both amazing and painful at the same time. She had finally found out what he was and loved him anyway. Their first fight, the time they had made love and the day that only he remembered, the day she had promised to never forget.

Misery assaulted him; if his heart could beat he thought, it would have broken from the pain anyway.

It had been a day since Willow had come to tell him that Buffy had died. He hadn't slept since, afraid, a vampire afraid of the images that might haunt him in his dreams. It was light out now and for a few seconds he truelly contemplated standing up, going outside and welcoming his end.

But the funeral was in one day in Sunnydale, they had made it specifically at night time for him and for Spike to he thought in disgust. Failing to get his head around that one. He had to be there though, he had to see for himself and try to say goodbye to the only woman he had ever loved, and still loved more than anyone or anything in his 240 odd years of existence.

For the first time in a long time Angel actually considered getting drunk, anything to numb the pain he was feeling right now. He couldn't deal; he didn't know how to get by from moment to moment with this level of sorrow. Every second was miserable, he had lost any sense of life's meaning or purpose. Without her he felt like it was over- like it was all for nothing.

Laying his head in his hands his vampire's senses failed him as he neither saw nor heard Cordelia entering the room. She looked down at him with sympathy and sadness in her eyes. She'd realised he hadn't had any blood yet since there return from Pylea and so thought to bring him a mug heated up in the microwave. She placed it on the table and coughed lightly to get his attention, though he didn't respond.

'Angel,' she said quietly. 'Were all packed me and Wes. Gunn is going to stay here with Fred but were ready to leave with you as soon as the sun goes down.'

After a few seconds Angel finally looked up at her, his eyes looked empty and Cordelia unconsciously took a step back slight fear in her heart. 'Angel did you hear me?'

'Cordelia,' he said.

'Yer Angel it's me, the arrangements for tonight, did you hear me?'

'Yes, its fine Cordelia,' he said impatiently. Cordelia hesitantly stepped forward placing a hand on Angels arm to regain his attention which had drifted back to his hands. He looked up at her again.

'Talk to me Angel,' she said in an anxious tone. She and Wesley hadn't known what to do since Willow had left, he hadn't spoken to them at all. They had got a brief overview of what had happened to Buffy from Willow before she left but that was it.

Cordelia was still feeling overwhelmed from what Willow had told them, though knowing Buffy she wouldn't have expected anything less from her, it was still shocking to think that she had sacrificed herself like that. She couldn't imagine what the gang were going through right now and what Angel was feeling. She'd thought of Buffy as invincible, I guess they all had.

'I don't know...I don't know what to say,' he whispered back. Taking that as the end of the conversation Cordelia turned to leave when he spoke again.

'Cordelia I don't know how to do this...I feel like it's all over...I feel like I have nothing left without...without her,' he choked.

'Angel I know it's hard, I know you loved her, but you have to. You have to otherwise it's all for nothing. You started this journey for her, you keep the darkness at bay, and you make a difference. You help people, you help me and you have her legacy and your love for her to thank for at least part of that. She gave you a reason to stop living in the shadow, you found your purpose through her.'

'Yer and I repaid her by leaving,' Angel laughed with self pity.

'But you left for a reason Angel, because you knew there was more for you to do. And she knew it to. If you give up on that now you become what she would have hated. You'll be letting her down and turning your back on what she worked for, what she fought for and ultimately what she died for.'

'I know but...'

'No buts Angel, you have to keep living for her and for the world, and for me and your friends. Wesley, Gunn and now Fred, she looks up to you so much you know. Buffy would want that for you. She loved you.'

He sighed gently. 'I know...it's just when I left her two years ago I thought it was the best for her and me. It hurt so much to go but I did it anyway because I knew it was the right thing. I wanted her to meet someone worthy of her, I wanted her to walk into the light. But now it all feels like it was for nothing. When I left her I didn't think it could hurt anymore than at that moment when I turned and looked at her beautiful face and looked into her eyes and saw the sadness there that I had created. What I had done to her. I saw that she loved me and that it wasn't enough.'

With those last words his voice broke and he buried his head again. He remembered the day clearly. They had defeated the mayor and he had looked at her one more time before turning around and leaving, without even saying goodbye. The memory tortured him now.

'Angel!' Cordelia exclaimed as she knelt beside him. 'Look at me.'

'Angel ...YOU WILL get through this I promise you. It's cruel and it's painful but you will. Buffy...I know me and her were never close but she was a good person and she deserved better than the things that happened to her and hopefully she's finally at peace now. But you will get through this because you have to. We need you Angel. The world needs you. You're going to go on and you're going to keep fighting because that's what we do.'

He looked deep into her eyes then and sighed. He knew she was right. But at this time he was struggling to get from moment to moment.


	4. 3 Welcome to the Hellmouth

**Chapter Three- Welcome to the Hellmouth**

**This part was originally combined with chapter 4 but I thought it was a bit long so I decided to separate them. I'm so grateful for all the reviews I've received so far. Especially 'Dawnbreaker' because that was my first ever review which was kinda exciting. I've had such a positive response that I'm actually nervous about adding more chapters because I really want you guys to like it. Anyway enjoy...**

The drive to Sunnydale had been a long and silent one. Wesley had taken it upon himself to drive thinking Angel wasn't up to it. Angel sat next to him in the passenger seat staring out the window into the darkness, never moving or making a sound.

Occasionally Cordelia who was sat in the back would make a comment or ask a question regarding the journey time to punctuate the silence, but Angel never spoke or made any motion which would suggest

that he was listening.

They made fast time, Wesley driving most of the way at over 100 mph fearing the sun which would soon be rising. The roads were quiet given the hour and for that he was grateful. Finally at around 5 am he began to slow and minutes later they were greeted with the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign.

As if awoken from a trance Angel looked up for the first time. His gaze fixed upon the sign as they passed it by like it had some secret meaning for him. His memory flashed back briefly to the day he had arrived in Sunnydale the very first time; his mission from the Powers that be to help the slayer fresh in his mind.

He had been so full of hope that he could actually be worth something, that he could make a difference. His head had also been filled with another feeling for the tiny blond slayer he was about to help, a feeling he was unfamiliar with and afraid to acknowledge at the time. That of love.

Wesley drove the car through Sunnydale careful to avoid going past the Summer residence, fearful of what Angel's reaction might be. He knew they would have to go there tomorrow, but he thought Angel could use some time to adjust to being back in town. He pulled up outside the Mansion on Crawford Street shortly thereafter. This would be their home for their short stay as Angel hadn't sold the property. Wesley and Cordelia exited the car and Wesley gathered what little luggage they had from the trunk of the car.

'Angel?' Cordelia questioned, looking at him still seated in the car.

Cordelia noted if it was even possible that Angel looked paler than usual. She just wished she could get him to be Angel again. She wondered if he was going to come back from this. She knew how he'd felt about Buffy- she'd been in Sunnydale after all and had been witness to their relationship.

She had hoped that the distance and separation the last few years would have eased his feelings towards her - but obviously that was not the case, and Cordelia felt guilty now for even thinking it. She loved Angel, he was her family now and she just wanted to be able to ease his suffering.

'Are you coming in? Were here now.'

Angel looked up first at Cordelia then Wesley as if suddenly realising he wasn't alone, before turning his attention to the Mansion in front of him as he got out of the car. The Mansion that held so many bad memories and so many good one's as well. It was too painful for him to be here, to be overwhelmed by thoughts of everything they had been through in this place, in this town.

Even though he didn't need oxygen to breath he felt suddenly like he was suffocating. He needed to be alone away from Cordelia and Wesley's penetrating gazes and concerned whisperings. He knew they only wanted to help him but he couldn't stand it any longer.

'You guys go in,' he said tossing Wesley the Keys. 'I'm gonna go take a walk, maybe patrol a little. Don't wait up for me just wake me up an hour before sunset if I'm not up already.' And without waiting for a reply he walked off.

He had no particular destination in mind. Dressed in black he blended into the night like a ghost. He glided through the streets silently, his presence screamed out dangerous and any demon or vampire who came near quickly and wisely made a retreat.

Though he had hoped to forget, everywhere he walked reminded him of her and he couldn't escape it. She was in trees, in the sounds the night made, in the glowing moonlight, everywhere. She was in the Sun Cinema where they had once watched a movie together. Or the magic box where they had fought off a bunch of vampires with Spike. Or main street where they had walked hand in hand after the powers had sent the snow that one Christmas morning.

Heading past one of Sunnydale's cemeteries Angel's mind wandered back to the many trips they had made there on one of their patrols. When he often simply stood back allowing her to take the lead in a fight - so that he could admire her strength and skill. She had been magnificent and he had never witnessed a fighter like her in all his years. He smiled at the thought of the many occasions when patrolling had gotten a little quiet and they'd allowed themselves to be driven to distraction by each other's presence.

But now he hated being in this place without her, it felt wrong, like he was betraying her memory. Sunnydale without Buffy felt lonely and sad. Without the light and protection she had brought to the town everything just seemed wrong somehow. He therefore didn't linger long in one place and continued to stalk the streets of Sunnydale.

Without conscious thought his feet took him to another of Sunnydale's many other cemeteries. '_How many of Angelus' victims are buried here?_' He thought sadly, feeling the weight of shame settle over him. He killed many in his short period as Angelus. He hated this town for that, for the memories of Angelus and what he had done to Buffy in particular.

When he realised what it was he was here for he began to seek out the spot, peering down at each grave as he passed by. This particular grave, he found quite quickly as it was set apart from others and was made of white marble. Though it had begun to suffer the signs of neglect, with grass growing up all around it. The headstone bore the name of Jenny Calendar or Janna as she was known to her people- the gypsies of the Kalderash Clan.

Guilt overcame him as he looked now at the grave he had previously been too afraid to visit. Now he welcomed the feeling and the moment's distraction it allowed him. He remembered the particular pleasure Angelus had taken in this kill, and he shuddered at the joy his demon had felt witnessing the despair and sorrow etched on Buffy's face when she and Willow had found out.

Again however Angel found himself unable to linger to long in one spot and so he continued on.

Once more he felt like he was being led by an unknown force to another place. Finding himself drawn to a different grave in a different cemetery not too far away. Sunnydale for a very small town had an eerily large number of graveyards.

This grave was that of Buffy's Mother, and it troubled him more so than Jenny's had. For Joyce had been such a tower of strength for Buffy. And he wondered briefly if she had welcomed the sacrifice she had had to make unable to bear the burden of her life without her mother's presence. For her he picked a beautiful handful of flowers growing nearby and he placed them gently down at her graveside.

He felt ashamed at presenting such an inadequate tribute, wishing he had thought to bring something else, something more fitting of the woman. Joyce Summers- brave and loyal and insightful had shared with him some very wise words which he would never be able to repay her for. Though it had taken him from Buffy, he still felt grateful. As she had unknowingly had a deep impact on his life and his decision to leave Sunnydale and pursue his destiny with the A.I team in L.A.

He had been to this place once before only a few months earlier. He had stood in the exact spot, taken Buffy's hand and comforted her. Though she was only twenty she had been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and it was finally taking its toll; though she was stronger, she had lost some of her light.

He had not wanted to leave her that night, but had done so at her request. He remembered the kiss they had shared, and he longed for her that moment. If he had known it was to be the last time that he would ever see her again he would have done things differently. So much had been unsaid something he deeply regretted now. I should have stayed! He thought angrily, I should have sensed that she needed me.

Leaving those thoughts behind Angel once again moved on through town, hoping to escape that particular memory. He stuck to the shadows and moved through Sunnydale's quiet streets. He considered for a moment going to Willy's to drink his way into oblivion, but quickly dismissed that idea as he didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he was back in town.

So he found himself instead outside the ruins of Sunnydale high school. Blackened and burned, partially standing it was a hollow shell of the building it used to be. He could sense the shadow of death and destruction that still haunted this place, forever would it be marked by the horrors that had be forlorn it.

Such darkness always left an imprint. It was a place which held so many important moments between him and Buffy. Many apocalypses had been conquered at this spot, but they hadn't been the most significant parts to him.

'Enter all ye who seek knowledge.' He remembered the invitation allowing all to enter the school and how he had taken advantage of that.

This building would never be a happy place for him as it held some of the worst memories of his life. As Angelus he had killed Jenny here, taunting her and chasing her through the school in a cruel game of cat and mouse that ended so brutally. He had also viciously attacked Willow and took pleasure in taunting Buffy.

His experiences as Angel had been even more painful for him. In the library, now destroyed, he remembered how he had paced Giles office disbelievingly as he'd told him about the writings prophesised in the codex. A book he himself had procured, which foretold Buffy's death.

Buffy had walked in to the library just as him and Giles had been discussing it. He remembered so clearly...

Buffy who hadn't seen Angel since she had found out he was a vampire had been excited to see him. So she told him later- until she realised what he had been talking about.

Him and Giles had argued unaware of Buffy's presence.

'Listen. Some prophecies are, are a bit dodgy. They're, they're mutable. Buffy herself has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass.'

'Then you're reading it wrong,' Angel had almost shouted back at Giles in denial.

But Giles had shouted right back. 'I wish to God I were! But it's very plain! Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.'

At that moment they had both been alerted to Buffy's presence -laughing at the shock of what she'd heard. Though there was nothing pleasant about the sound. They'd walked out the office to come face to face with her waiting for them.

'So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one's called! Wonder who she is?' She had asked, hurt and obvious fear in her voice. Angel had been devastated, and had tried to offer her comfort, but she would accept none from him or from Giles, in anger she had thrown books and shouted he remembered.

'The signs? READ ME THE SIGNS! TELL ME MY FORTUNE! YOU'RE SO USEFUL SITTING HERE WITH ALL YOUR BOOKS! YOU'RE REALLY A LOTTA HELP!'

Eventually she had stormed off and every part of Angel had screamed at him to go after. But he stopped himself from following, knowing she would want to be alone, and thinking he could help Giles some more. But her tears and words had shaken him; she was a young woman, afraid to die. His unbeating heart had broken in that moment. He remembered all her words like it was yesterday.

'They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?' She was so vulnerable and he couldn't help her, he didn't know, couldn't know what it was like to be human.

'I know this is hard.'

'What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!' She had thrownback at him deservingly so.

'I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.' Those words had stayed with him always. He had never in his 250 odd years felt fear like that. Faced with the prospect of Buffy's death and not being able to prevent it. Indeed it hadn't been him able to save her. Just like now he hadn't been there in time.

Then there was his last memory of this place – which still haunted him today. After the battle with the Mayor was over he had looked at Buffy across the lot one more time. Unable to leave without at least one more glance at her- he witnessed the look of hurt that passed through her eyes when she had spotted him, knowing what was going to happen.

Then he had done the most painful thing possible. He had simply turned and walked away. The sirens from the fire brigade had screamed out as more emergency services arrived, a reflection of his desire inside to scream out in pain.

But he had remained silent- hadn't even said goodbye- he disappeared into the smoke. Abandoned her – that's what it felt like now. Logically he knew just as Buffy had done that leaving had been the right decision. But a part of him could not help but wonder if she would be alive now if he hadn't left.

It seemed strange and impossible to stand here knowing the horrors they had faced and overcome that one of those monsters had finally seen the end of her. And again Angel walked on...

So inevitably as if it had always been intended that way Angel found himself at the place he had been most afraid to visit. On Revello drive stood in the shadows he lingered- across from the place that Buffy had called home.

He saw the house now as Angelus had the many nights he had lingered there after he had been uninvited, unbeknownst to Buffy simply staring up at her window. That was guilt that he was certain would never leave him, what Angelus did to Buffy; tormenting her for months.

He knew- and it was something he had never shared with Buffy out of fear that it would only hurt her more. That though he had tried to hide it behind a facade of cruelty and pain. And though it insulted his evil nature to do so, Angelus had had feelings for Buffy to.

He couldn't call it love, Angelus was not capable but he was as equally obsessed with her as Angel had been. He had wanted her, and wanted to hate her for making him feel that way. On the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance when Angelus had been possessed by the spirit of the teacher and had kissed Buffy. For just a moment he had taken pleasure in it, until she had said Angel's name and Angelus had fled disgusted by his own feelings of need for her.

Angel knew that Angelus had ultimately wanted to kill Buffy to free himself from the burden of those feelings. And the reason he had wanted to suck the world into hell, was his way of getting rid of her and anything to do with her.

Angel was drawn away from those thoughts by a light being turned on in the house. Though the hour was late Angel noted that there were other lights on downstairs as well. Which probably wasn't uncommon he deduced given the nature of all their lives. Remembering in particular the very late nights and early mornings Buffy herself had had to sneak in through her bedroom window after patrol.

He spotted Willow near the window and she appeared to be pacing around the room. He saw Giles then too looking much older than he had only a year ago. They seemed to be having a heated discussion. Though neither of them seemed angry, there was something he couldn't quite put his finger on. His senses also picked up something familiar, though he couldn't think what. Until a few seconds later when a jolt of shock passed through him as he recognised the unwelcome figure of Spike enter the room.

For a moment Angel felt alarmed, fear for both Willow and Giles arose in him, but then he remembered bitterly that Spike was on their side now. That he was probably welcome in the Summer's house- the shield that stopped him entering had obviously been revoked. Indeed he was acknowledged by both Giles and Willow with a slight nod of their heads in his direction.

Angel knew it was pathetic to feel jealous of Spike but he felt it none the less at his inclusion in the group. He therefore found himself edging closer to the house for a better view of what was happening. Crouching low behind a tree, the dark night providing him cover, he continued to watch.

Spike in his tell tale black duster- stolen from the dead body of a slayer no less. Flopped himself down on Buffy's couch like he owned the place, and Angel's anger surged as no one seemed to mind_. __'__How often did he come here?__' _Angel wondered, fearing that he wouldn't appreciate the answer.

Spike certainly seemed at home. He thought back to his time in Sunnydale and wondered how they would have reacted if he had acted like that. They seemed to almost welcome Spike's presence in Buffy's house. _Had that been the case when she was alive?_ He thought- casting his mind back to the phone calls him and Buffy had shared.

She made out that Spike was an annoying presence that she barely tolerated. _Had she being lying?_ Or had things simply changed between them, as the battle often did to people.

_When had Spike become part of the Scooby gang?_

He knew of course that Spike believed himself to be in love with Buffy. If such a love was possible without a soul he did not know. But he wondered now _had Buffy returned some feelings for him?_ The idea made him sick to his stomach and he tried to block out such thoughts. It couldn't be possible; Buffy could never have had feelings for vermin like Spike. He comforted himself with those thoughts and he felt himself begin to calm.

Minutes ticked by as he continued to watch the group. He wanted to go closer still to hear what they were discussing. But he daren't knowing that Spike would almost certainly pick up on his presence. It bothered him though, because while Spike looked somewhat relaxed in his surroundings the others seemed agitated and he longed to know why.

Then just as suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed. It was subtle and if he hadn't been a vampire it would have been unnoticeable. Then a few moments later Willow and Giles' faces changed from the previous worn expressions to what he guessed were supposed to be happy faces. Though he could tell they were forced.

The strangest reaction though was that of Spike who had stood up with a look of gentle concern on his face. Which Angel had to attribute to Dawn and Xander who had just entered the room. That seemed strange though as he couldn't imagine there was much love lost between Xander and Spike.

But his musings were quickly answered as Spike crossed the room towards Dawn. She was not how he remembered. She was much taller and her hair was much longer. But he supposed it was to be expected - since he hadn't seen her for over two years now. Well the fake memory hadn't. In reality he realised he had never actually met Dawn before.

Again like before all of Angel's instincts screamed out in protest at the seeming danger he felt Dawn to be in. But Dawn looked quite relaxed with Spike near her. In fact she seemed almost happy to see him. Spike put his arm gently on Dawn's shoulder and spoke quietly to her. What words he said- Angel was too far away to know. But they seemed to have a positive effect on her and she smiled before taking a seat next to him on the sofa.

Shock reverberated through Angel at what he had witnessed. Spike clearly cared about Dawn and it seemed as if the two were quite close. Angel suddenly felt so out of place. He didn't belong here. He was intruding on bits of Buffy's life that clearly had nothing to do with him. He hadn't been a part of it for a long time. Buffy had moved on so much since he had left- like he had told her to, and moved onto Spike so it seemed. Never had that been clearer than in this moment he thought painfully.

He couldn't stand to witness this any longer and he staggered away and escaped Revello drive at a run. If he had spared a moment to look back he might have seen the confused expression on Spike's face as he peered out the window. Looking as if he had missed something important.


	5. 4 One Last Moment

**Chapter Four – One last Moment **

**This one was originally joined with chap 4. I really liked writing this bit because in my imagination there would be lots of Buffy/Angel moments we never got to see on screen which showed how much they loved each other. Plus with all the memories/flashbacks Angel was having from his time in Sunnydale I really wanted to see if I could create my own. So hope you like. Next chapter will follow shortly because it's already written I just have to edit. I don't have a beta so I read over a lot to try to avoid too many mistakes. Anyway enough of my babbling, enjoy...**

There was nowhere else to go. He had been stupid to think he could outrun the memories of Buffy at the mansion by walking around Sunnydale. It was her town- she was everywhere he looked. So with that in mind Angel made the decision to return to the mansion. To be brave and face the memories that awaited him there. He made it back in very little time and stood across from the place, so weary all of a sudden; ignoring this feeling though he walked inside.

He entered the mansion through the courtyard. It was pitch black- there were no lights on. He had never really felt the need for such things, his demon preferring the dark. There was however a small area of the main room bathed in the moonlight from outside. A spot where three years previously he had landed- returning from the hell dimension Buffy had sent him to.

His mind cast over that time after his return when Buffy had found him in an animalistic state and so tenderly nursed him back to health, hiding him from her friends. Bringing him blood and watching over him. He remembered the pain he had felt at all the suffering he had caused her, and was still causing her and wondered why Buffy had still loved him.

There were so many bad memories associated with this place, he had been glad to leave it. Getting sent to hell, Buffy telling him they couldn't see each other anymore, and being haunted by the spirits of all the people he had killed. Yet there had been good times too. Simple yet happy moments shared between him and Buffy.

One memory in particular always came to his mind whenever he thought of Buffy on those quiet, lonely nights in L.A. It had been early morning, the sun had begun to rise and him and Buffy had returned to the mansion after a long night of slaying...

Buffy had been covered in grime, dirt and blood from a particularly brutal fight with a Snarlak demon that Angel had put a stop to with a snap of the neck. She had gone to take a shower and she emerged twenty minutes later clean and changed, much to Angel's amusement, wearing a pair of his grey jogging pants, excessively rolled up to make them fit. As well as one of his t-shirts that was giant on her.

Buffy had returned Angel's amused expression with a scowl. 'Do I look that stupid?' She had questioned.

'No Buffy, you look...you look beautiful,' he said, smiling at her, and it was true, with no makeup on, wearing his clothes, she'd never looked better. He felt a fierce sense of male pride that she was his. She really was the most beautiful woman he had ever known.

'Yer right,' Buffy retorted, though smiling anyway.

'You hungry?' He asked, changing the subject.

'Yer, that fight kinda took it out of me, I'm starved. Do you have any food?' She asked sounding sceptical.

'Yer I do, let's see what I can rustle up.'

He walked towards the kitchen and Buffy followed. 'You can cook?' She asked, hopping up onto the counter. 'A man of many skills, I like it.'

He smiled down at her then began rummaging about the kitchen pulling out various utensils as he went before looking in his small fridge located in the corner of the room. Ignoring the many packs of blood he reached instead for a carton of milk, some eggs, butter and cheese. 'Erm, how about eggs? Or an omelette? I can make you that.' He said sounding unsure.

'Sounds great,' she reassured him with a smile.

Angel set about to work on the omelette while Buffy sat there watching him intently her facial expression changing from one of shock at his efficiency and skill as he started adding various herbs to the mix. To an amused smile at the cute look of concentration on his face. To one of happiness and contentment at being there with him like this.

When he was done he placed the food on a plate, poured a glass of milk and carried it all over to the table in the main room. Buffy shuffled down from the surface top and followed behind him. He put the glass and plate down at the head of the table and indicated for her to sit.

Being an old fashioned type of gentleman he pulled out her seat for her. When she was seated he went and took the seat opposite her at the other end of the table. Leaning back in his chair, not taking his eyes off her. Buffy looked at him questioningly before turning her attention to the plate of food in front of her, which she began to devour in earnest.

'Angel this is amazing!' She exclaimed between bites.

'It's only an omelette Buffy,' he laughed.

'I know but it's really good. I...I didn't realise you could cook. I mean you don't really have any need to.' She added in explanation, before continuing to eat.

'I used to cook a bit when I was human and I guess it's not something you forget. And I thought since you've been coming back here so often after patrolling that it might be a good idea to have some food around for you.'

'You did?' She asked pausing on her way to drinking her milk.

'Of course Buffy,' he said patiently. 'I consider you in all my decisions.'

'You do?'

He didn't answer at first, but instead rose from his seat and crossed the floor to her side.

'Are you finished?' He asked her.

'Yer I'm done.'

Without a moment's pause Angel took Buffy's hand and led her back into the main room.

'Why do you think I have the food in the fridge or the couch in here?' He paused to look around. 'Buffy you feature in everything that I think about,' he confessed in a whisper, holding both her hands now.

Now they were stood Angel's considerable height meant that he towered over Buffy's small frame and she had to look up to gaze into his eyes. 'Angel I...' but she didn't know what to say. That one small confession from him meant more to her than he could ever know.

When it came to Angel, Buffy was like any young woman in love – unsure and a little insecure regarding his true feelings for her. Especially after everything they had been through recently with Faith. So a small gesture like that meant so much to her. Sensing her vulnerability Angel let go of her left hand and with his right stroked her face gently, staring into her bright hazel eyes. 'I love you Buffy, you know that.'

Buffy beamed up at him. Taking his hand she kissed it lightly. 'Angel I love you to...so much.'

And this time it was his turn to smile. He bent his head to hers and kissed her lightly on the lips before breaking away. He breathed in the scent that was uniquely Buffy. She had no idea what she did to him, how hard it was to keep control and stop from reaching for her again.

She however wasn't satisfied with that and she did move towards him again, bringing her lips up to meet his. The atmosphere which had been so sweet and tender only moments ago became charged with something else. As they both reached for each other kissing fiercely. Each fighting to keep a semblance of control. Lost in the feel of each other's lips.

Buffy grabbed at his shirt trying to get closer to him. 'Angel,' she whimpered, as she broke away to take a much needed breath, sad at the loss of contact, she felt she could have lost herself in kissing him forever.

Angel looked down into her awe struck eyes and he too was lost again. He wanted her so badly, to kiss her, touch her, feel her all over him. He reached for her again impatiently his lips crashing down over hers as she wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tip toes so as not to break contact.

Angel responded by bringing his arms down around the curve of her bum, picking her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. He carried her into the kitchen space and sat her on the counter. Still unwilling to break contact he began trailing kisses on her face, down her neck, devouring her. She whimpered again and he felt like he was in heaven.

'Angel we need to stop.' Buffy whispered reluctance evident in her voice. She pulled away slightly from his ministrations, putting her arms on his to halt his movements, even though she didn't want to. Buffy knew she had to end this because she wasn't sure he could. Her breathing was heavy and she longed to just pull him back to her, to lose herself in him and ignore the fears that they were going too far.

'I know,' he replied eventually pulling away, he looked her in the face, sadness marred his features. He leaned his forehead against hers his hands resting on each side of her. Buffy placed her significantly smaller hand on top of his and he looked up to her smiling face.

'That was nice,' she confessed almost shyly. 'You haven't kissed me like that in a long while, not since you...'

'Not since I came back,' he answered for her.

'You've always been so careful around me, careful not to let go.'

'And with good reason Buffy,' he said sounding frustrated.

'I know that!' She said looking him directly in the eyes now, not wanting to start an argument. 'I know that Angel but it doesn't mean I don't want to, you know lose control sometimes.' She said tentatively, worried she had said the wrong thing.

Angel looked at her surprised for a few seconds. Then he stroked her face gently, lovingly. 'Come on let's tidy up,' he said indicating the kitchen.

Buffy realised that was his way of ending the conversation and she slid down off the counter and began to clean up, scooping empty egg shells into the bin. While she returned the food to the fridge Angel went and retrieved her plate and cup from the other room and donning some gloves he began to wash up the cutlery.

He was interrupted a minute later by a laughing Buffy who was staring at the gloves he was wearing, which he really noted for the first time were yellow. He frowned at her and pretended to be offended by her laughing, while seeing the funny side himself.

'I'm sorry Angel,' she said while still giggling. 'It's just if the demons and vampires could see you now. The great and powerful Angel, Scourge of Europe...washing the dishes in yellow gloves.' She said continuing to smile.

'Well here I am doing the gentlemanly thing and cleaning up and I'm being laughed at!'

'Well I can always take over if it's too much for you.' She suggested, going along with this new playful attitude of his.

'No I'm fine,' he said all puppy dog eyed.

'No Angel I insist,' she said reaching for a plate which she promptly dropped in the water, splashing suds all over him.

She looked at him and the look of shock and surprise that had come over his face and promptly burst out laughing again. 'Angel...I'm soo sorry,' she said not sounding the least bit sorry. Turning away as she laughed some more.

Again it struck her the weirdness of the situation being like this with him. But it made her happy all the same that she and only she got to witness this side of him. Angel the dark and broody vampire- feared by so many had a cute and jokey side. So caught up in this thought she didn't notice the dark glint in his eyes, or him removing the gloves.

'It's okay Buffy, it wasn't your fault,' he said, inching closer to her he promptly dumped bubbles all over her head.

'Ah,' she screeched, jumping away.

'Angel, my hair!' She exclaimed, before joining in with him and the smile he now had on his face.

'Sorry Buffy, it was an accident.'

'Accident my ass,' she said before grabbing a cloth off the side and throwing it at him. This prompted, much to Buffy's delight, for Angel to start chasing her around the mansion.

'Angel!' Buffy shrieked as Angel grabbed at her, happily surprised at this playful side of him she'd never really seen before. Buffy giggled like a young woman in love should. She dodged his outstretched arms and whirled around.

Deciding she was quite enjoying this childish side of herself she spun around to face him and stuck out her tongue. Angel smiled, a suspicious, lazy smile, obviously quite enjoying himself to. And then he jumped. But instead of landing in front of her as she had been prepared for. He had taken advantage of his vampire strengths, making a particularly spectacular leap in the air; he landed on her other side managing to grab her from behind.

'Gotcha,' he whispered against her neck. And all of a sudden once again the atmosphere changed very quickly at his words. The seductive tone sent shivers down Buffy's spine and she leaned into him not at all protesting. Fitting herself against his hard chest, where she felt she belonged.

Angel inhaled her scent again, and then he kissed her gently on the neck before spinning her around. He wasted no time and lowered his head to hers in a second kiss which consumed them both. Time disappeared as they lost themselves in each other. Fighting against the voices in their heads telling them they had to stop. Eventually however Angel's senses returned to him and Buffy let out a small whimper of protest as he reluctantly pulled away from her- the moment lost.

Both looked flushed and Buffy's breathing was laboured. They stared at each other before Buffy broke the silence. 'Maybe I should go,' she suggested, though her face showed she didn't want to. 'I'm sorry Angel, I...we...I got carried away.'

'It's okay Buffy, I can control myself.'

'I know but I don't want to make it hard,' she said seriously before looking down then back up at him a grin appearing on her face. In spite of himself Angel couldn't help but smile to at her observation. He bent down to kiss her again. Though this one was brief and chaste in comparison to the first. It still managed to make Buffy feel lightheaded as only Angel could.

'I don't want you to go yet,' he confessed, surprising even himself. The last hour or so with her had been different, something new and exciting. Simple and nice, and he wasn't ready for it to end yet, wasn't ready for the bubble to burst and reality to ensue.

'Stay a little longer.' It almost sounded like a plea.

'Okay,' she replied with a tentative smile back at him.

Angel kissed her once more, this time on the forehead and taking her hand again he led her into his bedroom. Buffy looked momentarily confused and wary as he led her to the bed. As if answering her unspoken question Angel spoke. 'It's been a long night. You've got school in a few hours. We should probably get some sleep.' Buffy smiled in understanding before crawling into bed beside Angel. Drawing up the covers he leaned in close to her.

'Night Buffy.'

'Night Angel,' she said placing his arm around her. She fell asleep shortly after and slept more peacefully than she had done in a long while. As Angel lay there, unbreathing, silent and still, watching her sleep.

It was a great memory, but that was all it was, and in the present Angel came back to himself- in the cold dark mansion, alone. Back to reality it hit Angel like a stabbing pain to his chest. There would never be another moment like that with Buffy again. Never again would he see her beautiful smile, her bright hazel eyes. Never again would he get to touch her, kiss her or make her laugh. Never again would she tell him that she loved him. It was like he was in hell again, he couldn't think through the pain. He sank to his knees, head in his hands struggling through the moment. A world without her didn't seem possible.

Angel remained on his knees as the sun began to rise. He made no movement; it was if he was frozen to the spot. But as the rays of sun began to cover the mansion floor he seemed to revive and come to his senses using all the inner strength Buffy has always praised him for. The strength that had got him through the last hundred odd years - faced with the brutal reality of the pain that life brings. He rose from the floor and moved towards his room. Where he spent a few hours in restless sleep dreaming of hell and of Buffy and of a day only he remembered.

**Hope you liked – I had a hard time writing that because as I said I wanted to create a sweet memory for Angel that him and Buffy shared that didn't already exist in the show. But I wasn't sure if it was out of character for Angel. I know in the 'Angel' show he's a lot more playful at times so he is capable of being like that so I took my inspiration from there. Reviews definitely welcome! X **


	6. 5 Restless

**Chapter Five – Restless**

Angel woke suddenly as if some unseen force had caused him to- but he heard no sound and saw no one. He felt tired still like he hadn't slept at all, a sense of weariness and apprehension settled in his stomach at the thought of what lay ahead of him that evening. He wasn't sure that he would have the strength to get through it. To say goodbye to her, how could he? Angered boiled in him at the unfairness of it all. But once again he ignored it.

Tossing back the sheet covering him he rose to his feet, grabbing a few items from his overnight bag Wesley must have brought up for him. He padded out of the room across to the bathroom opposite making no noise. Ignoring the mirror and his lack of reflection he turned his immediate attention to the shower, which he turned on. He stripped off all his clothes and entered.

He washed himself thoroughly as if hoping he could cleanse himself of the pain and hurt. When he was finished he towelled dry before wrapping it around his waist. He then picked up a razor he'd brought from his bag and used touch to help himself shave. He found completing these simple tasks gave him something to focus on other than Buffy. Allowing him to get from one moment to the next.

He made his way back into his room and proceeded to dress. He'd actually taken the time to think about what he would wear for the day. He had considered what Buffy had liked him in and he had wanted to be smart.

In the end he stuck to what he knew in terms of colour- opting for black trousers and a black top. But the trousers were his best one's tailored for his fit. And over the black top he put on a black turtleneck and his black blazer. He mussed his hair with his hands and put in some hair gel. That'll do, he thought feeling a bit stupid now- Buffy had liked him whatever he wore.

He looked out his window; it was beginning to get dark, his vampire senses putting the time at 5 o'clock. The funeral was to be at 8pm and he and Wesley and Cordelia were supposed to be making their way to Buffy's house at 6pm. He wondered if they were about, he was feeling restless. Now that he was dressed he didn't know what to do with himself.

Leaving his room he made to go towards the kitchen when he heard the voices of Wesley and Cordelia speaking at a whisper, about him he guessed. He didn't feel anger though appreciating the fact that they cared about him and were worried. In fact it eased his pain to realise that he truelly did have friends for the first time in a long time that genuinely cared about him. Not wanting to eavesdrop he made his presence known as he came down to greet them.

'Hey Guys.' He noticed that they were dressed, both had chosen to wear black and they looked ready to go.

'Ah Angel, how are you feeling?' Wesley asked in a concerned fatherly tone, turning his attention away from Cordelia to greet him.

'Did you sleep well?' Cordelia added.

'Erm I'm okay, I slept fine Cordelia,' he replied answering them both.

Wesley took in his appearance, though he was well dressed he looked the worst he'd seen him in a long time – he appeared exhausted and behind his eyes there was a dark pain resonating in every gaze. Wesley truelly respected and cared for Angel, he was family to him and to see him like this was hard to bear. However knowing his character so well he knew there was little he could do to comfort him at this time. It was best to just leave him to himself.

'We were thinking we should head out soon,' Wesley said. 'Were all dressed and there's no sense in delaying. We were just going to eat quickly first. I took the liberty of getting you some blood from the local butchers shop.'

'Thanks Wes.' Angel smiled grateful for Wesley's foresight, following the two of them into the kitchen.

After they had eaten, Angel as per usual drank his blood a little away from the other two – the shame at the act had never quite left him. Even though like Buffy they had never shown him anything but acceptance and understanding. They got back in Angel's car, this time with Angel driving, and they made their way to Revello drive.

It was a short journey. None of them said anything. Each of them was too occupied with their own thoughts of their time in Sunnydale and they all felt a little apprehensive when Angel pulled up outside Buffy's house a few minutes later. They exited the car again in silence and walked to the door. Angel couldn't sense Spike and realised he wasn't there yet and for that he felt a little relieved and grateful.

Taking a deep breath Cordelia looked at them both with a small smile. 'Here we go,' she said, knocking lightly on the door, and they all instinctively moved a little closer together feeling securer in each other's presence. A few moments later the door was answered and they were greeted by a forlorn looking watcher.

'Hello Angel,' Giles said sounding a little cold, not unexpectedly.

'Giles,' Angel returned the greeting.

'Cordelia, Wesley, it's nice to see you,' he said turning his attention to the other two, offering them a small smile.

'Giles!' Cordelia greeted him a bit more enthusiastically, 'It's good to see you,' she said hugging him briefly.

And she meant it- seeing Giles reminded her that sometimes she missed her old life in Sunnydale, and she was genuinely happy to greet him, and looked forward to seeing the others to. She passed Giles and made her way inside.

Wesley too stepped forward and shook Giles hand and followed Cordelia who had already entered the house. Angel hesitated, though he could pass the threshold, having been invited in a long time ago, he felt uneasy doing so without an invitation. He had wondered earlier if he would be able to pass through with Buffy being dead, as now the house ownership might have passed to Dawn or someone else but the house remained open to him somehow, so that wasn't an issue.

Giles sensed his unease and offered the invitation. 'Please come in Angel,' he said this time with a little more warmth in his voice. Angel nodded gratefully and entered the house. He followed Giles through to the dining room where Cordelia and Wesley were already greeting everyone. He noticed Willow sat at the head of the table smiling at Cordelia in welcome. When she saw him, she got up and came over.

'I'm glad you're here Angel,' she said by way of greeting. She hugged him briefly which surprised him then returned to her seat. Stood next to her was the girl that he assumed to be Tara, Willow's girlfriend who he had never met in person before. She to smiled at him, it was a brief smile, but her eyes were kind and he could tell she was shy. He could sense in her like Willow something quite powerful and he knew she wasn't one to be messed with. For some reason he felt he liked her already.

Giles took a seat at the table opposite a woman that Angel recognised to be Xander's girlfriend Anya, who was now staring at Cordelia and Wesley with interest. This made Angel wonder about the whereabouts of the others; Dawn and Xander and Spike. Angel felt awkward and out of place somewhat as he stood there and watched them all interact.

A few minutes that felt like a lifetime to Angel, had passed. Cordelia and Wesley were both offering their condolences and Giles had gone to get drinks. Wesley had taken a seat at the table and Cordelia was in deep conversation with Willow, her sad comforting expression belaying what they were talking about. Angel's advanced hearing picked up the two of them reminiscing about the old days in Sunnydale. This only made him feel more out of place as he had never felt like he belonged back then.

These people had never really been his friends and he didn't really know what to say stood there in that moment. How could he offer them words of comfort when he could find non for himself? How could he tell them it would be alright, when he felt like the world was ending?

His thoughts were interrupted by Giles return. He handed out the drinks from a tray and Angel stood there wishing he could blend into the background and was surprised when Giles handed him a cup. He assumed for a second it was tea, and thought to take it so as to be polite. Even though he had no interest in drinking it.

But then his senses caught up with him and he smelled the pig's blood before looking into the cup. He looked up quickly at Giles a look of shock and gratitude on his face. Giles returned it with a small smile.

Giles put down the tray and thought to address Angel. He was unsure of how to proceed though. He felt that there was so much that could be said, but was unsure of what was appropriate or what he would be able to say.

His feelings towards Angel had always been logical part of his brain accepted Angel for what he was- a vampire with a soul- champion for the powers- a person who had loved Buffy dearly. But another part of him would forever hold onto the bitterness and pain that had been caused him with the death of Jenny. The memories of her death were not as fresh as they once were, but it still pained him greatly to think of that night when he had found Jenny's body, sadistically set up by Angel.

Again logic told him it was the demon Angelus who had committed that terrible act. But he and Angel shared the same body and he was still a vampire, strong and dangerous, and it was hard for him to separate the two. But Giles was able to recognise all the good Angel had done in Sunnydale and judging from Wesley's updates even more so in L.A.

Furthermore Giles had recognised what a sacrifice it had been for him when he had chosen to leave Sunnydale and Buffy for the greater good. And that it would have taken a person of extraordinary character to do so. Angel was a good man, and an asset to the fight against evil. But still it was hard to accept him.

Giles knew he was torn because of his Fatherly love for Buffy; he had wanted so much for her. She was the slayer yes- and thus destined to spend most of her life in darkness. I guess like any Father (even though biologically he was not hers) he had wanted her to find a man worthy of her. To give her life some sense of normality and happiness.

He had known from the beginning that the relationship between the two of them could only end in pain. He felt for Angel though- in this moment especially. He knew that he had loved Buffy so much. And it was etched all over his face now- the sorrow and the grief right there on the surface. Whatever his feelings for Angel they were bonded at the moment through their shared heartache. So Giles felt that it was his duty to try and offer some comfort and let Angel know in a small way that he did not hate him as he might have thought.

'How are you Angel?' Giles asked tentatively.

Angel sighed and put down the cup, he has been dreading this question, how could he possibly answer it?

'Giles...I don't know,' he admitted. 'I...'

'You miss her.' It wasn't a question.

'I do, but I feel I have no right to, ' Angel explained.

'How so?' Giles asked confusion clear in his voice.

'I haven't been in her life for two years, I left her Giles. Planning to stay away from her indefinitely. So what right do I have to miss her now? '

Giles smiled slightly in understanding. 'Because you loved her, because she loved you. Because you couldn't stay away even when you meant to.'

'What'd you mean?'

'Buffy's Mum's funeral? 'Giles replied.

'How did you know?' Angel asked, once again surprised by Buffy's watcher.

'Because you just told me,' he said knowingly. 'I guessed that you wouldn't be able to stay away.'

Angel went to reply before Giles interrupted him again. 'I know I've been very harsh as far as you're concerned.'

'Giles you don't...'

'No Angel please let me get this out before I for want of a better word...chicken out,' he said, chuckling lightly. Angel stood in silence waiting, his own pain rising to the surface at what Giles was trying to convey to him.

'Buffy was my slayer, but she was so much more than that. I loved her like she was my own daughter,' he confessed at a whisper. 'I let my own personal feelings for Buffy stop me from seeing the truth. Even when she stood by you, I found it hard to accept you and your place in her life after Jenny...' He paused, 'And for that I am sorry.'

'Giles, you have nothing to apologise for. After everything I did, I could never ask for your forgiveness.' Angel replied, shocked that Giles felt he had somehow wronged him.

Giles smiled again. 'But that just it Angel, It wasn't you who did those things, Buffy understood that, and now finally so do I. Wesley has kept me abreast of all you've been doing in L.A. You're a champion Angel. And I can give you no higher praise than to say that Buffy was proud of you and what you've achieved.'

Giles finished and Angel didn't even know what to say. To hear that from him was more than he could have ever asked or expected. Angel was just grateful that Buffy had had such an amazing man like Giles in her life. And he was sorry to see Giles suffering so much now.

'Thank you,' he whispered simply, feeling unworthy of the words. 'How are you Giles? '

'I'm...' Giles sighed warily, 'I'm coping as well as to be expected I think. I can't afford to lose control right now. I need to be there for the others, Dawn especially. '

Angel nodded in understanding then he looked, really looked at Giles for the first time, he appeared tired and much aged. He was suffering more than he was willing to admit, and Angel realised like Willow and like himself he felt that he was to blame for Buffy's death.

'It wasn't your fault you know,' he spoke again, noticing for the first time that every one's attention was upon them.

'I was her watcher,' he replied. 'It was my duty to keep her alive, and I failed, just as every watcher before me has done. I should have found another way so that she didn't have to sacrifice herself. Glory had been defeated, the battle was won and there should have been another way.' He said his voice breaking as he ran a hand over his face. He felt exhausted. It was exhausting trying to keep himself together.

'It wasn't your fault Giles.' Angel repeated, needing to find the right words to comfort Giles as Giles had comforted him.

'Buffy did what she had to do, you wouldn't have been able to stop her. You've never been anything but supportive towards her. She probably wouldn't have survived as long as she did without you and without her friends.' He said gesturing around the room. 'She loved you and she was grateful to have you in her life. You are an amazingly strong man Giles.'

'Thank you for saying so Angel.' Giles said. Returning his attention to his tea he had placed on the table, he picked it up and then turned and looked at the others. 'I think we should be heading out shortly as soon as Xander and Dawn return.' He said effectively ending the conversation.

'Spike? Where's he?' Angel questioned.

'He's going to meet us there.' Giles replied pursing his lips, in an outward indication of what he thought of Spike. Before taking a seat at the table with the others. And their they waited...

**I'd been thinking a lot before I wrote it how I would do the Angel meeting the gang again scene. Thing is I've read a lot of other fics whereby they greet Angel with a lot of hostility especially Xander and Giles and I just don't think it would happen like that. A lot of times has passed since Angelus was in Sunnydale and time would have given them perspective. As well as that a lot of Xander's hate towards Angel was based on jealousy. But he loves Anya now so that's not a factor. Plus their all grieving and they know Angel loved Buffy so that's more important. Also if you watch season three towards the end they are nicer towards Angel, and their quite accepting of him in the season four episode 'Pangs.' Anyway hope you like. Please Review. **

**Also I had to put in that one line about Angel wearing trousers tailored to fit because it can't be just me who notices that throughout 'Angel' he always wears trouser to long for him and it's really annoying lol.**


	7. 6 The Girl in Question

**Chapter Six – The Girl in question **

Angel left the others to their conversations, drifting off away from the dining area. He felt overwhelmed, not used to being around this many people, people who knew Buffy so well, who had been there with her. He couldn't handle it. He felt uncomfortable expressing his feelings and he wasn't sure how much he was really welcome there or whether there was resentment towards him.

He wandered away into the living room, he felt sick to his stomach at what was to come shortly. At having to bury her in the ground and say goodbye, the idea was devastating to him, horrifying. He scanned the room, which was bathed in darkness, he took in the pictures on the walls, and he remembered the times he had spent there. Hearing voices moving towards him and not wanting to speak to anyone he swiftly made to go up the stairs, where he made his way to Buffy's bedroom.

Silently pushing open the door, he stood there on the threshold as he was overcome with emotion at being in her sanctuary. He could still smell her in the room, and it was just as he remembered it to be.

Angel felt choked, his legs weak beneath him, he was losing control of himself again. He leaned against the door frame, closing his eyes to block it all out. He could smell him to –Riley. Buffy had told him that she and Riley had broken up and that he'd left town, but his scent still lingered in her room and even though it was completely irrational now he felt a burst of jealousy and what had probably gone on here.

He didn't want it to taint the feelings of intimacy they had shared there. He had some good recollections of being in this place, happy intimate times shared between the two of them. He took comfort in them now as he allowed himself a moment of weakness as the memories came to him.

He remembered spending time kissing – just kissing her here. Like when she had been grounded and he'd kissed her through her bedroom window. It was funny – went it came to Buffy, even though he had wanted her and even though he was very sexually experienced- he took great pleasure in just being able to hold her hand or kiss her lips.

It wasn't that he hadn't wanted the other parts - it was just the fact that he was able to enjoy such a simple pleasure again. The way she made him feel he couldn't even explain it. He'd spent a hundred years feeling sorry for himself, brooding, and then living on the streets feeding off rats. But with her it was like all that didn't exist, with her he was a guy in love with a girl who loved him back and a kiss had meant everything. It had been beautiful but also so human – so fantastically normal.

Normal – something he would never be. He sighed but then he also remembered the words of comfort she had offered him when she had expressed her desire to be normal and he had thought she meant before he had come into her life. She had said so clearly, in a voice so clear with love for him 'No Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me.' And he'd been filled with a feeling of contentment that this amazing woman had accepted him and loved him even though he didn't deserve it.

Stepping into the room now he moved towards her desk and again he recalled that same night. He had arrived at her house when she was still out, so he had waited in her room. Just like then he picked up her teddy Mr Gordo the stuffed pink pig.

It comforted him to hold something which was linked with Buffy. She had told him once that she had had it from childhood when her cousin Celia had given it to her as a birthday present. He had loved to think of Buffy as a child and what she would have been like then. Because it made him think of the impossible dream of having a daughter with her that would have been a spitting image of Buffy. Golden hair and hazel eyes, fiery and strong just like her Mother. The fact that Buffy would never know that kind of happiness haunted him.

He considered for a moment taking the pig but thought better of it, it would probably distress Dawn if she realised it was missing and he was too proud to ask for it. He placed it down on her bed and then turned back to the desk searching for the picture he knew was there.

He saw it almost instantly the one of her at the ice rink as a child. It made him smile to look at it, as he recalled the one time him and Buffy had gone ice skating. It shouldn't have been a good memory – they had been attacked by a member of the order of Taraka a gang of deadly assassins sent by Spike and Drusilla to kill Buffy.

He had received a painful cut above his eye before Buffy managed to kill the demon and he hadn't wanted her to look upon him in his true vampire face. But she had told him she hadn't noticed and took of her glove to touch him. He could have wept in that moment, overcome with his love and desire for her. And then she had kissed him and he had realised that trying to stay away from Buffy for all those months had been a futile thing to do and he never wanted to leave her side again.

Of course that had been before he had lost his soul and they had realised the deadly consequences of loving each other.

He picked the picture up and placed a quick kiss on it before putting it back down. He needed, no wanted something of hers to take and to keep and remember her by. He didn't want to pry for it but he couldn't help himself, he felt compelled to take something to feel closer to her. He opened a few of her draws and took in a sharp unneeded breath as he realised all of her clothes were still there. He didn't want to root through them though, that felt wrong so he closed the draws and continued searching.

He remembered the diary she had kept years before and a morbid curiosity came over him. Maybe if he found it he could find out what she really thought of Spike. So he looked, cautiously and quietly he searched it out. And minutes later he found it hidden on top of her wardrobe.

He held it in his hands for a moment and thought about what he was about to do. His hand trembled slightly at the thought of getting a little bit of Buffy back.

He ran his hand along the front and then he opened it slowly on the first page. And then he gasped as he was greeted by a picture which fell to the floor. Stooping low he picked it up to look at it. He lifted it closer for inspection and he knew he had found what he was looking for – his keepsake.

It was a picture of the two of them together. He remembered when it had been taken by Willow on her birthday. He had shown up at the bronze looking for Buffy and she had insisted he stay and had taken the picture when he and Buffy were dancing.

She looked beautiful, she was looking up at him and smiling, one of her arms wrapped around his. And he could see the love reflected in both their eyes, even though they had yet to say it to each other. He tucked the photo gently inside the inner pocket of jacket he was wearing. Thankful that he had found it. That he could keep a moment in time between the two of them forever in his memory.

Then he looked over the diary again holding it in his hands for a minute, before closing it and placing it back on the wardrobe. He had gotten what he had come for and felt he had no right to take anything else. For a moment he felt lighter than he had in days and he smiled to himself and took a seat on the end of Buffy's bed.

The feeling quickly faded though as his thoughts again turned towards what was to come. He sat there for a few minutes, silent and still. He just needed a few more moments to himself before he could return downstairs to the rest of them. He put his head in his hands and tried to will himself to stand up and leave the room. His thoughts were interrupted though by a noise as someone entered the room. He figured it must be that time.

'I just need a moment...' he started as he looked up to acknowledge whoever was there. What greeted him though was something he was not prepared for. He felt a physical blow like someone had just punched him in the stomach and his face twisted from a picture of grief to horror and confusion as he took in the person stood in front of him. He didn't understand what he was seeing, how this was possible. ...

**To be continued, always wanted to do a cliff hanger chapter. Though I think you guys can probably guess who it is. Hoped you liked the chapter. What's my line part one was always one of my favourite episodes as well as part two because it's full of so much B/A goodness. And the bit where he's in her bedroom with Mr Gordo and ice skating scene are two of the scenes where I think how can you watch that and not be B/A? Next chapter will follow shortly. Reviews very welcome. J x **


	8. 7 Doppelganger

**Chapter Seven - Doppelganger **

'I just need a moment...' he started as he looked up to acknowledge whoever was there. What greeted him though was something he was not prepared for. He felt a physical blow like someone had just punched him in the stomach and his face twisted from a picture of grief to horror and confusion as he took in the person stood in front of him. He didn't understand what he was seeing, how this was possible. ...

'Buffy?' He whispered, taking in the tiny blond slayer stood in front of him. It was her, beautiful and real and in touching distance. But it couldn't be because Buffy was dead, wasn't she?

'Who are you?' The Buffy lookalike questioned, tilting her head slightly to the side to examine him.

Angel felt his stomach drop, he didn't understand, was this Buffy, and was this some sort of sick joke?

'Who? Who are you?' He questioned back, rising to his feet. 'You're not Buffy. You can't be.'

'I am Buffy – I'm a vampire slayer. Are you a vampire? Because I would have to kill you.' The Buffy lookalike stated mater of factly. Her tone and words leaving him further baffled and bewildered.

'I don't understand.' Angel almost whimpered. It can't be her. 'Buffy's dead,' he stated his harshly. The truth of that statement causing him more pain.

'Yes the other Buffy is no longer here. But I'm Buffy to and I am here.'

'The other Buffy?' He questioned, confused even more so.

'Yes. Willow made me all better and I live here and I slay vampires.'

In the midst of his confusion the mention of Willow's name brought Angel back to himself. He remembered something she had said to him back at the hotel about a Buffybot. He could have cried as the realisation dawned on him, she looked so real and for a moment he had almost hoped to believe that somehow he had Buffy back.

'You're the Buffybot.' It wasn't a question.

'I'm the Buffybot? Then who are you?' She questioned placing her hands on her hips in the process. She looked so stiff he didn't know how he couldn't have seen that before.

'My name is Angel,' he replied sinking back onto the edge of the bed as he felt his legs about to give out. This was just too cruel, to see that face and hear that voice and for it not to be her. He buried his face in his hands and repeated his words. 'I'm Angel,' he paused before continuing. 'A friend of B...Willow's.'

'Angel.' She said his name like she was trying to understand something and in that moment he realised that she really wasn't Buffy. Buffy always said his name in a particular way, like she couldn't quite believe he was there. There was none of Buffy in that thing.

'Angel.' She repeated again.

'The vampire?' She questioned causing him to look up in shock.

'Angel- big Puffster vampire with a soul, who wears too much Nancy boy hair gel? Walks around like he's better than everyone else. Followed Buffy around like a love sick Puppy?' She smiled as if she was pleased with herself. Angel couldn't believe this was happening, _was this some new form of cruel and unusual punishment thought up to torture him?_

'You don't by any chance talk to Spike do you?' He joked at a whisper, barely concealing his pain.

'Spike? Yes Spike – he's dreamy isn't he?' She stated not a hint of teasing in her voice.

Angel gasped, he didn't think he could stand another moment of this cruelty, he needed to get away. He stood again and made for the door keeping as much distance and possible between him and the Buffybot.

God her face, it looks just like her he thought looking her over again as he passed. He paused and felt himself reaching out a hand to touch her. He stopped himself midway though and jerked back as he realised what he was doing. He saw now what he had missed before; her scent it was bland and almost none existent, Buffy had a unique, beautiful, strong scent that would fill the whole room.

The Buffybot looked questioningly at him and Angel was so caught up in staring at her he didn't hear the sound of approaching feet.

'Angel,' Willow called sounding nervous as she approached. 'Are you up here?'

Angel heard but didn't answer as Willow reached Buffy's bedroom. 'Ang...' She paused mid sentence taking in the sight in front of her. Angel was stood deadly still staring at the Buffybot. He looked pained and angry and broken all at the same time.

'Oh God Angel, I'm so sorry. She wasn't supposed to be here.' Willow cried.

Angel turned to her but didn't speak and Willow offered him a brief sympathetic look before grabbing the Buffybot and ushering her away from him in to her and Tara's bedroom. They had agreed earlier that it was best to hide the bot from Angel and so had temporarily moved her to their room where she had been told to stay.

She guessed there were still a few glitches in the system and she prayed that the Buffybot hadn't mentioned Spike. She thought she'd got all of that ickyness out of there but she couldn't be 100% sure. And she didn't want to think about how Angel would react if he found out Spike had made a Buffybot to have sex with. The thought still completely grossed her out, and Angel would probably kill Spike. Not that she could blame him but it wouldn't be what Buffy wanted. Pushing those thoughts aside Willow left her room and quickly made her way back to Angel who was stood just where she'd left him looking dumfounded.

'Angel, I'm so sorry.' Willow offered. 'I didn't want you to have to see her. It's hard enough for us having her around reminding us of Buffy. I can't imagine how you feel right now.'

'Angel?' She questioned when he still hadn't responded. He looked at her this time though.

'For a moment I thought it was her. I thought it was Buffy,' he whispered, the pain in his voice evident.

'I thought she'd come back to me.'

'Oh Angel, I'm so sorry.' Willow said hugging him again. He held her briefly before moving away.

'Why is she here?' He asked her, all sorts of scenarios passing through his mind. Her words about Spike had threatened to awaken apart of him that he always tried to keep buried. He had to keep reminding himself that that wasn't Buffy. Buffy was gone.

'We were afraid that if the demons found out that there was no slayer in Sunnydale that they would over run the town, we can only do so much you know. Plus we wanted to stop Dawn from being taken away by social services. Were her family now Angel with Buffy gone. So we had to pretend.' Willow spoke in explanation.

Angel nodded in understanding. Or at least he tried to understand. He could comprehend Willow's justification but still it was hard.

'Erm Angel.' Willow spoke tentatively. 'It's nearly time...I came up here to get you. Dawn and Xander are back and were nearly ready to leave.'

Angel looked at her and nodded again, he was having trouble forming words at the moment still horrified by what he'd just seen and heard.

'Shall we go downstairs?' She said, and without waiting for an answer she turned and left the room. With only a moment's hesitation Angel followed after her, trying to forget what he had just happened. _Why had she been programmed to think those things? _He wondered.

They made their way down and Angel followed Willow back into the dining area where everyone was waiting, looking ready to leave. Angel spotted Xander immediately. Given their past encounters he had expected and prepared himself for nothing but hostility from him and so was taken completely by surprise when Xander stepped forward and shook Angels hand briefly. 'Hey Angel,' he greeted.

'Xander,' Angel acknowledged him with a nod as Xander stepped back and turned his attention to the doorway leading into the kitchen as Dawn walked through.

It was strange in that split second Angel felt such a wide range of emotions; guilt at what Dawn was going through, pride at the woman she looked to be, happiness at seeing her and then confusion as he remembered this was the first time he'd actually met her. Even though he had countless memories of her as Buffy's annoying but cute little sister who had hero worshipped Buffy, he acknowledged that they weren't real.

She had reminded him so much of his little sister Kathy that he had always felt extremely protective of her. She looked like a woman know though and the change was shocking. He was worried that she would hate him somehow like he hated himself for not being there and he steeled himself for her reaction.

When she caught sight of him, she froze for a moment a look of pain crossing her face. Then without warning she launched herself into his arms and cried. 'Angel, your here.' He didn't know how to respond overwhelmed by her actions and just comforted her silently deepening his hold. She pulled away a few moments later, wiping a tear from her face and looking a bit sheepish.

'I'm sorry about that,' she apologised. 'It's just its really good see you Angel, Buffy would be glad that your here, I'm glad that your here.'

'Thanks.' Angel acknowledged, he took her hand and squeezed it slightly before letting it drop. The kind of affection he rarely showed to anyone. 'It's good to see you Dawnie,' he said. He looked her over and saw the signs of her grief she openly displayed, but he could also see the strength radiating from her.

She was obviously finding it hard to cope, which was to be expected given everything she'd been through; finding out she was the key, losing Joyce then Buffy. But he knew she had many of Buffy's best qualities; she was strong and she would survive.

'It's time.' Giles stated interrupting Angel's thoughts. Those two words settled over the group and Angel felt his stomach drop. It couldn't be time; he wasn't ready to do this.

'Were meeting Spike at the Mausoleum,' Giles continued. 'Where B...Buffy's body is,' he finished his voice beginning to break.

Turning to Angel, he continued. 'Willow, Tara, Dawn and I will go in my Car. Xander and Anya in his, you can follow behind us.' He said gently, wary of Angel's current state of being. 'Well let's go then,' he finished ushering the others.

Angel felt bodies pass by him and yet couldn't seem to put a foot forward himself. This was it. But how could this possibly be it? How could he do this?

'Angel – its time.' Wesley whispered from somewhere nearby. Then he felt a gentle tug on his arm and he realised it was Cordelia linking her arm though his.

'Angel – come on,' she said. 'You can do this.' He focused on her voice, on the strength she gave him and he began to move.

The car journey was a silent one, Wesley drove again, following behind Xander's car. It took only a few short minutes to reach the cemetery. And they weren't enough. He couldn't do this, he couldn't see her in that box and continue living, he didn't feel that he was strong enough for that.

He felt himself being ushered out of the car by both Wesley and Cordelia and he spotted the mausoleum a bit ahead in front of him, his whole body felt weighed down. Each step agonizingly hard as he made his way closer to her.

He felt it then – his senses picking up the presence of Spike but this time he found that he didn't care much. He spotted him a moment later conversing with Xander as they both disappeared behind the door into the mausoleum. Angel stopped just outside of it where Giles was waiting, Wesley and Cordelia left his side, and he wanted to cry out for them to stay, to tell them they were the only things keeping him from losing it. But he was Angel he didn't react like that, he didn't show his feelings. And he knew he had a duty to do – for Buffy, and he was determined to do it.

'The four of us; you, me, Spike and Xander will carry her out.' Giles spoke gently. 'It's only a short distance to the spot,' he said pointing. 'About fifty metres and I dare say with your vampire strength it should be no problem. After all Buffy was so...so little,' he finished soberly.

'Are you ready?' Giles asked, managing to pull himself together. Angel couldn't speak but he nodded and followed Giles in.

The inside of the Mausoleum was dark and small, lit only by a few small lanterns in the corners on the wall. Spike was stood in the corner nearest the door, his head bowed in a silent show of respect. As Angel entered he looked up at him and they stared at each other for a moment. There was no animosity- just grief and a shared understanding.

Angel looked straight ahead and he saw her straight away. The coffin was only a few feet in front of him and he resisted the urge to turn around and run away. He couldn't believe that she was in there. That Buffy- his beloved was inside of that dark, tiny, coffin. That she couldn't just get up and talk to him, smile at him or even kick his ass. He would happily take that. The lid was closed and for that he was grateful he didn't think that he would have been able to bare it, if he had to look upon her face, without seeing her beautiful hazel eyes staring back at him, full of their usual energy.

Part of him though, the crazed, grieving side of his soul longed to rip open the lid and take her in his arms. To scream at her to wake up, to talk to him, hit him anything. But he thought if he actually did open it and saw her lifeless body that that would be the ending of him and he would want to go and join her. Instead he placed his right hand on the top of if, lightly tracing a pattern that was carved into the wood. One that he recognised as old Wiccan ruins representing warrior, strength and peace.

'Buffy?' Xander's voice came from behind. Angel turned to him questioningly but had to look away a moment later as he saw the despair etched on Xander's face at what they were about to do. He came and stood next to Angel and he too reached out and touched the wood.

'I don't think I can bury my best friend,' he confessed in a whisper.

'We have to,' Angel responded, finding some inner strength but still unable to look at Xander as he spoke. He moved away from him and went and took his place at the other end of the coffin. The other two Giles and Spike didn't speak either as they all took their positions. Giles on the Angels' other side, Xander in front of him and Spike opposite him. It was time.

**Did you guess who it was? Chapter title kind of gave it away I know. As soon as I started seriously getting down to this fic I knew I wanted Angel to meet the Buffy bot, and I loved that one of my reviewers 'crazymel2008' was on the same page as me. I just thought it would make for an interesting scene. I hoped you liked, took me a while to write that bit and I'm still not sure it's exactly what I wanted. I thought about him finding about Spike and the bots relationship. But I thought realistically if he found that out he would have killed Spike and we couldn't have that. It's really weird and kind of hard trying to convey a person's grief so I hope I did it justice. Anyway you know what's coming next, the funeral scene. **


	9. 8 Grave

**Chapter 8- Grave **

**Meant to update sooner but I've been having issues with my laptop, it won't charge and then even when it's plugged in it goes off randomly. Plus I've been procrastinating a bit because I really wasn't sure what I was after with this chapter. This and the next chapter go together. There written diff than all the chp's that have gone before because even though my main focus is still Angel's actions and thoughts I wanted to cover what some of the others are going through to. **

**Merry Christmas by the way! Not sure of the exact date in other places at this time but it's now the 1****st**** of December here! I love Christmas and have spent the last few hours downloading Christmas songs to my iPod. Anyway I'm digressing.**

**Hope you like.**

**I always listen to music when I'm writing and when I'm reading. For the full impact I recommend listening to **(Hallelujah – Imogen heap or Goodbye to you by Michelle Branch) **when you read this chapter until the bit where Tara sings where I recommend listening to **Prayer of St Francis – Sarah McLachlan.

It was dark out; the sun had set not long ago. The Sky was bleak, the clouds threatening rain. Their warrior had fallen and the world was crying out with grief. Only it didn't know it. It was a dark day in Sunnydale everyone could sense it, and yet they didn't know why. Misery had settled over the small town; it was cold and was eerily quiet. It felt dangerous and unsafe with its protector now gone. Like the warmth had been burned away, the lights had died and pain had won the day.

And so they gathered, a small group of people; a troop of fighters come together to mourn their champion. All dressed in black, heads bowed six of them walked slowly forward, huddled close together, sombre and bleak. If it had been day though clothed in black there was a presence about them which would have drawn people's attention. As it was they had chosen darkness for a reason, it was very necessary for two members of said group. Some of them were not friends, not even close, but on this occasion they were all united.

Dawn the sister, Willow and Xander the best friends, Giles – the watcher, the Father. Spike - the ally, Wesley, Cordelia, Tara and Anya- the friends, Scooby's past and present. And Angel – the lover, fellow champion, mortal enemy, best friend, ex and soulmate.

Heads still bowed the six in the first group; Willow, Dawn, Tara, Anya, Cordelia and Wesley made their way to a secluded spot in the corner of the smallest graveyard in Sunnydale, the spot was beautiful, and heart shatteringly sad. Next to the woods it was surrounded by trees, large and imposing, colours of beautiful greens and browns. Sheltered and peaceful. It had been agreed that Buffy would have liked it here. So this was to be the final resting place of the slayer.

Upon reaching the spot they all took their place spread around the marked stone engraving. Dawn clutched at Willow's hand like a lifeline as Willow held her just as tightly shedding her silent tears. Anya stood quietly by her side being comforted by Tara, her arm wrapped lightly around her, herself on the verge of tears. Cordelia and Wesley kept slightly apart from them, feeling securer in each others company and not wishing to intrude to much on the personal grief of those closest to Buffy.

A moment of silence passed and then Willow uttered a few words and many tiny bright balls of light appeared as if from nowhere and hovered over the area, casting a dim almost eathral light over all their shadowed faces.

Then they all turned at the same moment drawn to the approaching figures, though they had made no sound. Angel and Xander on one side Spike and Giles on the other they carried her forward. Slowly, carefully, they moved- silent and graceful. The coffin was simple as Buffy would have wanted. It seemed so small, reminding them all how little she really had been in life.

The look on all four of the men's faces was one of determination, determination to stay strong, not to break, and to do this for her- to get through. No one noticed the slight quiver of Spike's lip or the lonely tear that fell down Giles' face or Xander's small misstep and the haunted look that held behind Angel's eyes.

The journey was a short one. They reached the others and placed her ever so gently on the ground as if afraid of hurting her. They'd positioned her coffin underneath a harness laid out on the grass. Now each man took a corner, and with a little magical aid they lowered her into the open grave. Nothing had been said and it was as if they were all afraid to speak to break the silence and the moment of horror that had been realised as Buffy disappeared into the ground.

But as the coffin touched earth with a gentle thud what ever was left of Xander's resolve broke and he let out a cry of pain that had Anya rushing to his side. They all glanced at him in concern as he bent to the ground overcome with his own sorrow. But it felt intrusive and they all looked away quickly allowing him a private moment and instead they stared down at where Buffy lay. Where she was to lay forevermore. A coldness swept over them all that had nothing to do with the increasing wind. And they all stood for a time that seemed to stretch, silent once again and unmoving gazing at the spot. Caught in that thought.

Dawn was the first to move and break the spell- she walked forward supported by Willow and dropped a picture into the hole before taking a step back, where she began to cry - great heaving sobs of pain. Willow too leaned forward while keeping a hold on Dawn and whispered into the night. 'Sleep tight Buffy. I love you,' before depositing her own secret gift.

She too broke down then, loud and painful and she enveloped Dawn in her arms as they tried to comfort each other and contemplate the reality of a life without Buffy. Angel came rushing to them and wrapped his arms around them both. Unable to think what else to do to help them and to help himself.

In the background Cordelia and Wesley stood, their own pain showing clearly on their faces now. In a gesture of comfort Wesley took Cordelia's hand in his and she looked up at him briefly in thanks before allowing a solitary tear to fall down her cheek. Mourning for Buffy and for the pain the people she cared about were suffering.

Tara stepped forward next and stood in front of them all. She gently cleared her throat drawring everyone's attention to her and they all looked up to acknowledge her curiously, wondering what she had to say, she wasn't as close to Buffy as most of them after all.

'B...B...Buffy and me,' she muttered, unable to look everyone in the eyes, she turned and focused on Willow and Dawn instead before she continued. ' Well I didn't know her as well as the rest of you but I remember we were talking once, the three of us me Willow and Buffy.' She said smiling slightly at Willow as she spoke, who nodded at her in encouragement. 'And Buffy told me about this prayer. It's...it's called the Prayer of St Francis.

Buffy wasn't a very religious person but I remember her saying that it helped her through some difficult times. It comforted her. So I thought I'd share it with you all now in the form of a song as we say goodbye to her. In the hopes that it will comfort you to.' And so with that Tara began to sing. Her voice; beautiful and strong and clear broke through all of their barriers and captured their souls.

And one among them all heard more than the others did. Angel listened and he could have cried, he had told her about the prayer-Buffy. He remembered, he'd only mentioned it to her briefly once in a passing moment in their short time together. But he had told her how much it had meant to him. His sister Kathy used to sing it to him whenever he was down or had been arguing with his Father. Which had been often. She'd had a beautiful voice much like Tara's, strong and powerful and the strength of the words had always stuck with him. He couldn't believe she had remembered it, that she had held on to that and that because of that it had meant something to her.

_Lord,_

_Make me an instrument of your peace._

_Where there is hatred, let me bring love._

_Where there is injury, pardon._

Angel consoled himself on the beauty of the words and focused on a picture of his Buffy that came to him. Her beautiful long blond hair, her bright hazel eyes, that always gave away how she was feeling, her smile that completly transformed her face and her cute button nose that she always hated.

As if in a dream he let go of Dawn and Willow and walked towards her, not Buffy in the ground but the Buffy in his head. Alive and beautiful as always. The one he could see as the words washed over him.

He slowly moved towards her, everyone else forgotten, fallen away apart from her. He reached out a hand but then he heard someone else let out a cry behind him and the image before him was shattered and he was aware again of the people around him and of the eyes of everyone now fixed upon him. Aware again of where he really was and what he had come here to do.

He kneeled gently down at the earth in front of her grave. The wind had picked up and tiny droplets of rain had begun to fall and it was a fitting reflection of the pain he held inside, that was ready to burst free. This was a moment to say Goodbye to her but it would never be enough. She would never know how much he loved her.

_Where there is doubt, faith._

_Where there is despair, hope._

_Where there is darkness, light._

'Buffy', he said at a whisper. Grasping some of the earth below him between his cool fingers before letting it fall back down onto the coffin. 'Buffy, God Buffy...I miss you so much already.' He whispered so that no one but himself could hear.

He took a deep uneeded breath trying to steel himself to get back up and walk away. To let her go and walk back to his life without her. He breathed again inhaling the scent of earth and flowers and sorrow and death and he nearly choked on it, it was if he were a human man and his lungs were being squeezed so tight that he was dying. Being without her felt like death.

_Where there is sadness, joy._

_Where there is discord, harmony._

He could feel all eyes upon him - they all watched him from their spots around the grave; Willow, Xander,Dawn and Giles especially- all of them unable to look away from his open display of love and grief for her. It touched them all in a way they couldn't quite explain. He had always seemed so separate from them –so different, so hard to understand. But now he had never seemed more human. Never been more like them.

_Where there is error, truth._

_Where there is wrong, the spirit of forgiveness._

_O Divine Master,_

He stood up, slowly and ungraceful for once, to distracted to care. And he looked briefly at the engraving on the stone that they had chosen for her. It said it all yet could never be enough. He lingered on it for a minute, looking but not really seeing anything. Then he steeled himself and turned back and joined the others, returning to his spot besides Willow and Dawn. This time taking their hands.

_Grant that I may not so much seek_

_To be consoled as to console._

_To be understood as to understand._

_To be loved as to love._

_For it is in giving that we receive._

_It is in pardoning that we are pardoned._

_It is in dying that we are born to eternal life._

And the song ended and it was beautiful. And they all thought of Buffy and their memories of her washed over them and in that moment they felt the peace, love, pardon, faith, hope, light, joy, harmony, truth and forgiveness they had experienced with her in their lives. And in the song they did find some comfort. However small.

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS

1981-2001

BELOVED SISTER

DEVOTED FRIEND

SHE SAVED THE WORLD A LOT

**I had real trouble writing this scene. I'm still not really satisfied with it but I don't know what else to do. I'm not really a very religious person but I love Sarah McLachlan and when I heard her version of the prayer I thought it was beautiful and it touched me. So I figured Tara's voice could do it justice. There weren't many words from anyone in this chapter I know. But trust me there are a lot in the next one. Here come the speeches for Buffy... **


	10. 9 Revelations

**Chapter nine - Revelations **

**(Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek)**

**(The remembering Jenny song from Buffy works here to, as does the sacrifice song from 'The Gift'.)**

**It's all about their words. Hope you like...**

They all stood for a few moments longer lingering on their own private goodbyes. The wind picked up quickly though as did the rain which began to fall more heavily down upon them. Drowning them in its tears. They were all cold and wet and they were all weighed down with the heavy burden of their grief and sorrow - they were all ready to leave this place. So Willow stepped forward and said the words that caused the earth to move and cover the rest of the grave as if it had always been there. Then they all turned and slowly and silently made their way back to their vehicles.

Angel felt a tug of pain in his unbeating heart at having to leave her there alone in the dark and cold night and therefore was the last to step away from her grave.

They piled back into their cars, including Spike to everyone's surprise, who got into Xander and Anya's vehicle without seeking permission. Xander looked for a second like he wanted to say something in protest but seemed to weary to want to bother and instead with a sigh he too got into the car.

They all made their way through the streets of Sunnydale, a three car procession - over to Angel's mansion on Crawford Street on the other side of town. Where they had agreed they would have a small memorial for Buffy. There was more room there than at her home, so for practical reasons they had all thought it was best. Nobody in any of the cars spoke any on the journey over there.

When they arrived they all made their way inside following behind Wesley. He indicated to the main living room; there was a large table and some scattered chairs where everybody all took seats. The room was dark and Wesley set about lighting some candles around the place. When he was done it was still quite dark but it seemed fitting for a group such as themselves. The mansion taking on an almost fairytale quality.

Then Wesley and Giles and Cordelia disappeared into Angel's kitchen where they returned a few minutes later with trays of refreshments. After handing out drinks, with everyone else seated, Giles remained standing and cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention.

'I wish we could do more to celebrate Buffy's life. I feel like how can this possibly be enough for a woman like her. The whole world should be grieving. But were the only ones who truelly knew who she was and what she did. I think it would be fitting therefore if we all took our turn and we went around and said a few words about her. If everyone agrees?' He asked, looking at everyone around the table in turn, who all nodded in agreement.

'I'll go first then,' he said taking a deep breath to pull himself together, he looked briefly around the room again and considered the strange assortment of people all gathered together. And then he began.

'I never got the opportunity to be a Father and I accepted that early on as I knew my place and duty in this world was as a watcher, guardian of the slayer. But all that changed the day I met Buffy. I didn't know it at the time but at 16 years of age she came walking into my life, into my library, with all her attitude.' He laughed. 'And my life was changed forever.'

He sighed, his voice shaking slightly he continued. 'She may have been my charge, but she was so much more than that. She taught me more about myself and life than I would have ever thought possible. We've lived through some dark times, the master, Adam, Angelus.' He looked almost apologetically at Angel.

'And it only made her stronger. But then finally came Glory and though we beat her back Buffy paid the ultimate price. Buffy was the bravest person I knew. She'd faced death before and we brought her back. But this time was different. Buffy would never have had it any other way, she knew what she had to do and she didn't hesitate, not for a second. Not only was she one of the strongest living slayers in history she was resourceful, brilliant, fearless, and deeply loving of her friends and Family.'

'She was also this bright shining ball of energy who brought great joy and hope to my life as well as anyone's she touched,' he paused before continuing.

'I feel lucky and privileged to have known her and shared what time we did together. I don't think any other watcher could be more proud of his slayer. To Buffy,' he called, as he raised his glass and everyone else followed. 'My slayer, my daughter – I cannot begin to say how much I will miss you. How much the world will miss you. I'm sorry that I failed you. I...' Giles choked. 'I'm sorry.'

'Oh Giles...don't..' Willow stood and hugged him. 'It not your fault.' She looked around the room at the others. 'Nobody thinks that,' she offered in comfort. Giles accepted her embrace, taking a deep breath to compose himself. He then patted her on the shoulder in reassurance before taking a seat; it was her turn to speak.

She began...

'The first day Buffy walked into my life that was the change of everything for me. Over the course of those two years at school she made me realise what my purpose in life was – to fight evil, and help people with my best friend. It's a good fight, and I wanted in – Buffy gave me that and so much more.'

'Buffy accepted me for who I was before I'd even accepted myself. She believed in me, put her faith in me. She taught me how to go for things I wanted.' She reached down and took Tara's hand in her own.

'She taught me to fight and stand up for myself. I am a better person because she lived. Buffy once said to me Carpe diem – live for the day- Buffy always did that because she knew as a slayer her time would probably be short. So these are words we should all remember as we live our lives. I love you Buffy, your my best friend. I miss you every day. The memory of you will live on forever and we'll continue the fight with you in our hearts.'

Willow finished and took her seat again next to Tara, who comforted her briefly before standing up to go next. Her shyness almost made it impossible to speak in front of groups of people. But she knew she could do this for Buffy. So she began.

'Buffy was kind and loyal and selfless. She sacrificed her happiness on a daily basis to keep us all safe. But above all else Buffy was strong, she was a fighter. This year was tough for all of us, but Buffy fought and never gave up and never wavered.'

' I just hope that we can be as strong as her as brave as her. I didn't know Buffy as well or as long as some of you but she welcomed me into the group and helped to make me feel like I belonged. I will miss you Buffy.' She finished a little flustered. She felt self conscious at the shortness of her speech compared with Willows and Giles. But hadn't wanted to try and pretend she knew Buffy as well as the others. She sighed and returned to her seat next to Willow.

Everyone looked around to see who was going to go next and much to everyone's shock Spike stepped forward. He had kept himself silent and apart from everyone throughout the funeral and after. Hoping to not antagonise the situation, afraid that they would have forced him to leave her before he had gotten to say goodbye. But now he was done being silent, he wanted them to hear this, wanted them to know and to maybe understand, even Angel that he really had cared for Buffy. More than cared...

'Well...Erm... Right...' He stumbled over his words hesitating, thinking about what he wanted to say. 'A lot of you,' he continued. 'Maybe thinking that I have no right to even be here today never mind standing up here to talk about Buffy.'

He acknowledged everyone in the room with a look, most returned him with a hard questioning stare, Angel and Xander in particular looked wary. Dawn however had a look of understanding on her face which urged him to continue.

'Hell you'd probably be right,' he said gaining in confidence. 'Buffy, my mortal enemy, a girl I tried to kill on more than one occasion and probably would have enjoyed it at the time.' He noted the angry expressions at those words from Xander and Giles and Angel who looked about ready to kill him, but he carried on regardless.

' But you know what she kicked my ass right back every time to and then somewhere along the way we ended up as allies and then maybe even friends. So sod it, I'm here and I'm saying my peace like the rest of you.'

'I've lived a long time, seen and done a lot of evil, even killed two slayers myself. If someone had told me back then that I'd be hear among you lot mourning the loss of another I probably would have laughed. But that was Buffy for you, she had this effect on people, this spirit that makes you stronger or braver than you thought possible.'

' For me she just made me want to fight for her. I believed in her. Maybe I don't belong here but Buffy was willing to give me a chance and I don't plan on letting her down.'

'I fought alongside Buffy a lot the past few months; she asked me to protect the little bit for her. So I tried... But I failed, I'm sorry Buffy you deserved a lot more than I was able to give you.'

'You placed your trust in me an accepted me when you probably should have just dusted me. I've watched you and your little band of misfits fight hard and strong for the past few years. I've seen you knocked down; heck I was the cause of it quite a lot. But all that did was make you fight harder and stronger than before. You always put everyone before your own happiness. The world owes you a lot slayer.'

'Hopefully you can finally rest now. I've lived a long time and I've never met anyone like Buffy before. To the greatest woman I've ever known – To Buffy.' He finished, his gaze dark and mournful he looked about the room noting everyone's reaction before taking his seat again.

The shock that reverberated around the room was obvious; all accept Willow and Dawn who looked at him with understanding, knowing as they did how much Spike seemed to really care. Angel looked wary and yet confused. Only Xander's face remained unchanged from his earlier display of mistrust and anger. A few moments passed as everyone was seemingly caught up in their own thoughts before Anya rose – deciding she might as well go next.

'Buffy – I didn't know you as well as most of the people here did. I wish I'd taken more time to get to know you. From what I did see, from the way you always protected my Xander and everyone else around you, you were a very selfless, brave person.'

' I've lived thousands of years and in the face of so much pain and suffering I've seen humans do terrible things. I've seen them give up and I've seen them take the easy way out. That was never you Buffy when it came to a choice between what was easy and what was right you always did the right thing. You sacrificed yourself so that we could live.' She said a tear falling down her face.

'I don't understand being that strong. Without you here Buffy it's hard, Xander doesn't really smile anymore. Bye Buffy.' She finished with her voice breaking. She collapsed back down into her seat and into the waiting arms of Xander who let tears of his own fall.

Cordelia stood next deciding to take her turn. It felt strange for her in that moment. Her and Buffy had never gotten on and had never been close, but beneath it all she had respected her. To her Buffy's death was sad and unfair because Buffy has always fought to hard for everyone else, she realised that now, something she had been unable to fully grasp in her early days in Sunnydale. And she loved Angel- and seeing him in so much pain broke her heart. So she began...

'Me and Buffy I'm not going to pretend that we were always friends. In fact I think we clashed quite a bit.' She laughed lightly, turning to both Xander and Willow for a moment lost in the memory of days gone by.

'I never told her this but I was always a little jealous of her, of her strength of character. One thing I always did feel for her though was respect. In a lot of ways we were kindred spirits, both opinionated, confident, knew what we wanted. I wish I could have seen that at the time. Our lives have changed so much since high school and I've changed. I wish I'd gotten the opportunity to know her know for the amazing woman I know that she was. I'm sorry your life was cut so short. You truelly deserved the happy ending Buffy.'

I'm so sorry you didn't get that. Rest in peace.' She finished, returning to her seat in between Wesley and Angel. Angel gave her a grateful smile and she squeezed his hand before turning to Wesley and encouraging him with a nod to go next. He stood and cleared his throat before speaking.

'Buffy was my slayer for only a short amount of time and I regret to say now that I made a bit of a mess of it. At the time I didn't know what it really meant to be part of her world, fighting everyday to just survive. At the time, being the pompous idiot I was.' He said letting out a small laugh. 'I wasn't able to really see her for who she was. To appreciate the enormous weight that had been placed on her shoulders at such a young age. I was too blind to understand what truelly remarkable woman she was. It's only now through my time with Angel and witnessing the effect she had on him, that I've come to see her for who she was.'

' Just seeing you all here today is testament to that. A slayer doesnt usually have friends and family. She lives and she fights and she dies alone. Buffy was different though. The world will be a lesser place without her in it. The life of a slayer is unfortunately a short one – but we continue to live in her legacy as we carry on the fight. To Buffy and the legacy she left to follow.'

He finished, with nods of approval from both Xander and Giles who had noted with shock the great change in the former watcher.

As Wesley took his seat, Dawn stood quickly wanting to go next before she lost her nerve. She looked around at the sea of faces and took comfort in the fact that they were all here and they all cared about her sister.

'Erm, I'll go next.' She stated, before stealing herself for what she was about to say, she didn't want to ruin it by crying so she took several deep breaths and then before she began to speak.

'I'm so glad that your all here today for Buffy. I can see how much you all loved and cared for her and Buffy deserved nothing less. If anything I feel sad that the rest of the world cannot know what an amazing woman she was and what she's done for all of them.' She paused and took a breath.

'So this is to Buffy- hopefully she knew how much I cared. It's hard Buffy, but I'm trying. I'm trying for you. I'm fighting everyday but I miss you so much.' She paused again trying so hard not to cry, she looked at Willow who answered her silent prayer for support and came and stood by her.

'Thanks Will.' She continued 'Buffy you are my big sister and I love you. I just wish I'd taken more time to appreciate you when you were around. Because getting by now without you is hard.' She sniffed.

' It's weird because I keep thinking back to memories of our childhood and I know it's not real. But I find comfort in them anyway, in anything that will keep me remembering. Memories of you smiling, of you laughing, just the good memories of what it felt like to have a big sister who looked out for me, who loved me and who saved the world.'

'You died so that I could live and I will be forever grateful. But I miss you every day, so does Will and Xander and everyone. But I'm learning to be brave Buffy. I want you to be proud of me. Say hi to Mum for me. I miss you both so much. Bye Buffy.' She finished in a whisper, before turning to Willow who enveloped her in a hug.

Xander stood next, looking briefly at Dawn, proud of what she had just said. Proud of how much she had grown- how strong she had become. Then he looked to everyone else in the room for his turn.

'Everyone keeps talking about Buffy the warrior and she was. But to me she was also my best friend, she was beautiful and funny and kind. She made me smile on a daily basis and picked me up when things weren't great. She made jokes and fooled around, she made my life better. And words cannot convey how much I'm going to miss her how unfair this is, how much I want to scream and shout right now.' He paused to pull himself together for a moment, his voice breaking, before continuing on.

'You were so many amazing things to many people. I'm so proud of you Buffy, for what you were, for what you did. The first day I met you I loved you. There was just something about you. You made me laugh, you made me smile, me you and Willow just hanging out in the library were some of the best times of my life.'

' We went through so much together and you saved my butt on more than one occasion. You always saved the day I guess I just always figured you'd be around forever. You were Buffy, so strong, so bright, you had the biggest brightest smile. But it was often the times that you weren't smiling that I got to know you the most. Got to truelly understand and bear witness to your remarkable strength. Your ability to take the bad, sometimes the really, really bad. Get knocked down and claw your way back kicking and screaming.'

' You are my best friend. I'm not really sure how to live now without you in my life. To the best person I know Buffy summers.' He finished, like Giles raising his glass as everyone else followed.

Before they all turned and looked at Angel with anticipation on their faces. He was the last one to speak and they all wondered what he would possibly say. He'd never been a talkative person, not one to show his true emotions to anyone. And they felt maybe now they would get an insight into the man he was and understand for the first time just what Buffy had meant to him.

Angel looked at the sea of familiar faces in front of him and wondered where to begin. How he could possibly hope to be able to convey the depths of his feelings, or the importance of Buffy to all of them. He stood up slowly keeping his head held high facing all the curious gazes head on and began to speak.

'Talking about Buffy to everyone is a hard thing for me to do. Buffy gave meaning to my life when there had previously been none.' He paused, bowing his head slightly as he got lost in his own thoughts.

' She was fiery and passionate, beautiful and clever and I loved her from the moment I set eyes on her.' He continued at a whisper, speaking to himself rather than the rest of the room. ' I knew then that I wanted to help her, protect her. And from our first meeting to me leaving Sunnydale being around her felt like an unearned blessing.'

'Anyone who met Buffy could see she was so full of life. She faced so much suffering and yet she always put everyone else first and got on with it. She never gave up and kept fighting when others would have broken.'

'She never gave up on me even when I'd given up on myself. I never felt worthy of the belief she had in me. For that and so much more I will love her for the rest of my existence. I wasn't sure that I was ready to share what we had with everyone else today.'

' Though all of you know mine and Buffy's story, the vampire in love with the slayer. No one but me and her really knew what we had, what we felt for each other and what it was like having to walk away from that. So like some of you I'm going to talk to Buffy and I'm going to tell her how I felt. I hope she knew how much I loved...love her, but maybe I wasn't always the most vocal about my feelings.'

He paused again looking around the room where all the occupants were deadly still waiting for him to continue. Some like Willow and Dawn had eyes filled with tears, Xander couldn't look at him and had his head bowed - taking in all Angel had said and truelly seeing for the first time what he had missed all those years ago.

Angel continued.

' Buffy - I saw your heart and I loved you. I will always love you. You were the strongest person I've ever known, not just as the slayer, but as a young woman having to deal with the great responsibilities that were thrust upon you.'

'I remember the first time I saw you being called outside your school, it was a bright day out and you were so beautiful. I watched you kill your first vampire, and I knew things were going to be hard for you. I felt this need to protect you, to just be with you. And those feeling only increased tenfold when I met you for the first time in Sunnydale when you kicked me in the back of the head in that alleyway.'

' I told you that I wasn't your friend as deep down inside I could only hope that I could be more to you. I never imagined though that someone like you; so beautiful, so bright, so brilliant could really love someone like me.'

'We went through so much together and I will always be grateful for the time we did have. In my 240 odd years I've never felt more alive than when I was with you. You gave me a purpose, a mission. You believed in me, when I couldn't believe in myself and when other people told you not to. You knew what I was, what I had done and what I did to you, the monster inside, but you loved me in spite of it. The life of a slayer has never been a long one, but I never truelly believed that the world would lose you so soon. I had so much hope for you finding the things you deserved; love, and a normal life.'

'I never let you go Buffy but the decision was taken away from me. You're my girl. Always.' Angel whispered the final word like he was saying it to her and her alone, his voice breaking at the end.

Then he looked up and around the room and it was a moment he would remember forever. Truelly stunned and awed at what he saw. Willow was crying as was Dawn but they were smiling up at him to. The respect and acceptance in Xander's eyes would have been enough for him. Even Spike was looking at him differently. Giles was looking upon him kindly also, he moved from his place at the other side of the table and came to stand next to Angel.

'Angel that was ...Buffy would have been truelly moved by that speech, it was beautiful.'

'Thank you Giles,' he responded, truelly hoping that Buffy was looking down on them at that moment and would know how much he loved her. How much they all loved her and how much she had meant to the world.

**I'm really happy with this chapter compared to the last one it was one of my favourites to write. I think you can tell from it that Buffy is my favourite character. I found some people's speeches harder to write like Tara's and Anya's but the others came to me really easily I just tried to base it on their relationships with Buffy in the show. Hope you liked anyway. I've had this chapter written for sooooo long since 2010. Just added a few minor tweaks. Can't believe I'm finally posting it! There will be a lot of action (including my first ever fight scene in the next chapter) so stay tuned.**

**Hope you liked and reviews definitely appreciated. J x **


	11. 10 Ties  part one

**Chapter ten – Ties part one.**

**I meant to finish this story before end of last year but that never happened. But I do want to finish by February by the latest probably so I can concentrate on other stuff I want to write. So i'll be yupdating more frequently.**

**Longest Chapter I've done so far. Ended up splitting it in two. It's the first fight scene I've ever written so I hope its okay. And it's a prelude to my second fight scene in chapter 12.**

**Song choices - Anything my muse would probably work for the fight portion. Maybe Hysteria. **

The words that they had all spoken that evening had left them feeling emotionally drained and given each of them much to think about. Angel felt spent and wanted nothing more than to be by himself so he could think of her in peace. He didn't know how he had managed to get through the day but he was just glad it was nearly over. He had been grateful that the gang had accepted him enough to take up his invitation to have the memorial back at the mansion where there was more space. But now he thought guiltily he honestly couldn't wait for them to leave.

They all seemed to have a different idea though as he watched from his position stood across the room as they all interacted and chatted. Each offering more words and memories about Buffy that he wasn't a part of.

He felt truelly lonely for a moment - though he'd never felt at ease with others company he remembered how with Buffy that had never been the case. It had just felt natural and comforting to be around her. He realised know that he would never likely find that kind of acceptance with anyone else.

He shook away those thoughts and looked around for Spike who he sensed without seeing was still present. Angel wanted him gone from his place but didn't want to cause an upset especially with Dawn forcing Spike out. So for now he would let it be. He knew though that he had things he wanted to say to Spike before he left Sunnydale tomorrow.

He caught sight of him, hidden away in a dark corner of the main room, looking himself like he wanted to be anywhere but here. He seemed uncomfortable and kept darting his eyes towards the door as if he couldn't quite make up his mind whether to leave or not.

Spike sensed Angel looking at him a few moments later and he looked right back, unflinching without shame, his eyes boring into Angel's, challenging almost. For a few moments they held each other's gaze questioningly, almost daring the other to do something, before both finally looked away.

But then a moment later Spike started making his way over towards Angel, an unreadable expression etched upon his face. He stalked forward his coat billowing out behind him, straight into Angel's path, drawing the attention of both Xander and Giles as he did so. His arrogant swagger was enough to make Angel want to hit him and with his previous promises forgotten he braced himself on the balls of his feet, preparing for a fight.

'There's something outside.' Spike said as he reached him, with no preamble, looking again at the door.

'Vampires I wager, a group of them heading this way.'

'What?' Angel asked, thinking he must have misunderstood, but then a second later his senses picked up something to. He inwardly cursed Sunnydale and its monsters not able to leave them in peace for one night and Spike to for beating him and sensing them first.

Giles and Xander approached them a second later worried that they were going to have to break up a fight between the two vampires. Xander stepped in between the two of them and turned to Angel.

'Now Angel man,' he joked. 'I know we'd all like to beat up Spike but now maybe isn't the time.'

Spike just tutted in response his impatience clear as he glared at Xander.

'Is everything alright here?' Giles asked trying to play peacemaker.

'No everything's not alright, you ponce...' Spike began only to be interrupted by Angel.

'There's some vamps outside,' he told Xander and Giles cutting straight to the point. Giles looked concerned where as Xander looked extremely pissed, mirroring just how Angel felt.

'How many?' Xander asked, going automatically into battle mode. He might not be the best fighter he thought, but these guys are gonna pay for interrupting Buffy's memorial.

'Don't know yet,' Spike answered. He too was all business now. Grievances forgotten, they were all together prepared to fight.

'Xander,' Angel said addressing the man. 'Take Dawn and Anya upstairs. I know everyone will want to stay and fight but Dawn's to young and someone should stay with her.'

Xander nodded and made to go towards the others.

'Tell Willow and Wes what's going on, we could use them.' Angel shouted after him. 'And there might still be some weapons in a chest in one of the back bedrooms.' Xander nodded again and rushed off to follow Angel's orders.

Angel returned his attention back to Spike and Giles.

'Angel what's the plan?' Giles asked and Angel was glad that Giles and Xander seemed to have no problem following his orders and trusting his instinct. Things really had changed.

'Gather any weapons you can. I own this place so they'll be able to get in without an invite. We'll mount a two way attack. I want you, Spike and Xander to go out the back way and take them by surprise. Me, Wesley, Willow, Tara and Cordelia will take a frontal assault.' He said to Giles, who nodded in agreement and went in search of weapons, leaving Angel and Spike alone.

Willow joined them a second later, rushing to their side looking harassed. Angel almost took a step back at her expression. Rage and power were flowing off of her in waves. This was a different Willow than he'd ever seen. He knew from reputation that she was strong and now stood before him she looked like a force to be reckoned with.

'Xander filled me in,' she said. 'What do you want me to do?'

'I want you up front with me, Wes and Tara working the mojo, the others are going to attack from behind. Know any good spells that'll work on vampires?'

'I know a few, like ball of sunshine, but I don't want to put you and Spike in danger.'

He nodded at her in understanding and replied. 'Just do what you can.'

Willow nodded in return and made her way back over to the others. She took Tara's hand in her own and then began to converse with her and the others, no doubt discussing strategy.

Angel was feeling restless ready for this fight now, he wanted to show the vampires outside exactly what happened when you mess with a group like theirs. The combination of all of them he knew made them a seriously powerful force, even without the presence of a slayer.

He paced agitated, keeping his eye on Spike who looked equally pissed. He was about to suggest something reckless like him and Spike just going out there and taking them all on when Xander and Giles returned.

Without hesitation Xander threw an axe Angel's way, which he caught easily. Manoeuvring it, testing the weight in his hand, he swung it around a few times. Xander himself had a sword, and he looked like he knew how to use it. Giles reached him a moment later and handed out stakes.

'Ready?' Angel directed at everyone. They all nodded.

'Xander, go out the back way with Giles and Spike, and take them from behind. Wait till they've launched their attack on us first, to catch them off guard and stay downwind of them.'

Without any other words, Giles, Spike and Xander made their way through the mansion to the back. Angel went to stand with the others, Cordelia made to get next to him, she too had acquired a weapon; a sword from somewhere.

'Angel, you okay?' she questioned, looking up at his cold expression, concern showing on her face.

'I'm fine Cordelia,' he said dismissively, though he softened his features when he looked down at her.

'I just want to get this done; I want them to understand what a grave mistake they made coming here tonight.' She smiled a tight smile in support.

Willow joined the conversation.

'Oh we'll make them see.' She stated a grim look of determination on her face.

Angel made to reply in agreement, but the time for talking was over when he realised that the vampires were almost upon them. He could sense that they were big in number and they all needed to concentrate. He put this finger to his lips to indicate for them to stay silent and then he gestured for them to take different positions around the room near the exits.

Cordelia and Wesley stuck together as did Tara and Willow holding hands again. Angel stood alone the way he preferred it. He had only ever felt comfortable with Buffy at his side. He took the main glass doorway as he knew that would be where most of them would attack. He left it open as it had been when they'd all come in, no sense in breaking expensive glass he thought.

'Angelus...' he heard the voice call from outside. 'Angelus we know that you're in there. You really shouldn't have come back here you know. Not after all the trouble you caused last time.' Angel shook his head in exasperation_. Were they really that stupid to come and knowingly seek out a fight with a master vampire? _Apparently they were he thought as they continued to taunt him. They clearly had no idea what they were going up against.

'Come out and face us Angelus, and we'll make this quick.' He heard laughter then coming from some of the other vamps, stupid he thought again as in doing so he knew they would have given their position away to Spike without him having to get to close for them to notice him.

His whole body felt tense, like a coiled spring, he was ready, and he took a step forward as a banging started on the other side of the room near Cordelia and Wesley. Just as he had anticipated they would the vampires had split up to come at them from different directions throughout the mansion.

He turned to see three vampires enter through that way but he quickly turned his attention back to his own position, though his natural instinct was to stand with his friends, he knew strategically this was the best plan and they could handle themselves.

His attention was now focused in front of him as another four vampires now stood in his line of view. It was becoming quite clear that they had organised themselves better than he would have anticipated, and he felt a moment of fear pass through him before he quickly replaced it with a feeling of rage as adrenaline coursed through him. Buffy wouldn't have allowed fear to take over.

'You made a mistake coming here,' he said calmly to the group.

'No, you made a mistake coming back here,' he was addressed by the smallest of the four, who was stood in the middle. Angel took him in, he sensed that though he wasn't as built as the others that this one was the leader and he was the one to watch out for.

'We've got you and your friends surrounded Angelus. Though I'm surprised you'd associate yourself with humans. Not your usually style. ' Angel growled at him in response, which only goaded him further.

'It's a bit low class don't you think. Thinking maybe you've gone a little soft.' He said with a hint of disgust in his voice.

Angel ignored the insult, and quickly swept his eyes around the room, taking in his friends positions, Cordelia and Wes had dusted one of the vamps but there were still two more for them to deal with, though they seemed to be on top of it. And Willow and Tara to were now surrounded by a group of them.

He was worried about them least though, the other vampires might not have realised it yet, but witches were not someone you wanted to mess with. He turned his attention back to the vamps in front of him and wondered what was going on outside. As if reading his mind the leader responded.

'We've got this place surrounded; there are sixteen of us against one vampire and a couple of humans. You can't win. I own this town now, and you're not welcome back here.'

Angel snorted in response, acting relaxed as he adjusted his position, he still had the axe in his hand and he was calculating the best way to use it. _Why were vampire's always so cliché?_ He thought.

'You guys never come up with anything original do you, he responded. 'And the 'humans' you mentioned, you're talking about two watchers, one seasoned hunter, one seer and two powerful witches you moron.'

Angel watched in amusement at the affects his words had as the four vampires faces changed from smug to worried in half a second.

'Oh and did you say one vampire,' he spoke again a smile rising on his face as he noticed Spike coming from behind. 'Make that two,' he finished as Spike charged tackling the vampire on the far left in the process. The others snarled in fury and launched themselves at Angel.

Angel quickly found himself on the defensive, trying to fend of kicks and punches from three different directions, they were strong as well as organised and he swore under his breath for making the number one mistake of under estimating the enemy. He made a swing with the axe in his hand, but he was off by a fraction of a second. The vampire in question grabbed at the axe handle and tried to wrestle it from Angels grasp. Focusing all of his attention on keeping a hold of his weapon meant that Angel was open to attack from the two others.

One of them he couldn't tell which got of a strong punch to his jaw and he staggered back, using his momentum he took his axe and the vampire attached to it with him. He let himself fall to the ground on his back and pulled the vampire with him, flipping him over his head. He regained full possession of the axe and quickly jumped to his feet, before the vampire on the floor could even react he swooped down and with a roar of anger he'd chopped of his head.

Not stopping to even watch the dust settle he turned back to the remaining ones. The leader was now engaged in a fight with Spike who had obviously finished off his own opponent. And though Spike was looking a bit worse for wear, with a cut on his head and a bloody lip he was smiling like he was enjoying himself.

Tutting to himself, though a little amused, Angel quickly turned his attention back to the remaining vampire, who was now looking at him apprehensively.

'Boo.' Angel shouted, laughing at the vampire's almost comical reaction as he jumped back a step. He looked around and seemed to realise he was alone. He looked about ready to run and Angel wasn't going to have that. He didn't even attempt anything fancy – he ran at the vampire, jumping sideways in the air as he went, he brought the axe down swiftly decapitating him like the first.

His opponents dusted he turned his attention to the rest of the room. Willow and Tara were with Cordelia, taking on two vampires hand to hand. Wesley had disappeared, and Angel worried about where he was. Spike was still occupied with the leader. They seemed equally matched and Angel knew Spike wouldn't appreciate him interfering in his fight and ruining his idea of fun.

Angel was in two minds about who to help, his instinct told him to go and aid the girls but then he remembered Xander and Giles were still outside and by his count they had taken on at least a handful of vampires. How many had Spike dusted before he'd joined them he wondered?

Decision made he swiftly went towards the exit intending to find Wesley and help the others, when Cordelia screamed out in terror. 'Angel!'

He turned to see Cordelia and on the floor, gripping her arm which was bleeding, she looked at him and directed his attention across from her. Tara was being backed into a corner by one of the vampires, she looked terrified, and her eyes kept darting past her opponent in a panic. Angel realised why- the other vampire had Willow by the neck, her feet dangling from the ground, he was chocking her. Angel immediately changed his direction and made towards Willow first.

The strange thing was Willow looked completely calm. There was no panic in her eyes, her arms were by her side and she was making no attempt to escape. For a fraction of a second Angel panicked, he couldn't let Willow die. Not after Buffy. But then he realised that she was focused on something and he lost the panic and trusted she knew what she was doing.

So he turned his attention to Tara instead, she had a stake in her hand and she was trying to chant a spell, but she was obviously terrified and get stuttering and messing it up. The vampire was crowding her hungrily, and was too caught up in it to sense Angels approach. Tara saw him though and looked even more afraid, which confused him.

'No Angel, help Willow,' she cried out, drawing the vampire's attention away from her to him. But Angel was already nearly upon him, he sent a kick to his middle causing the vampire to tumble backwards. 'Willow knows what she's doing,' he said, grabbing for the stake in her hand.

The vampire was rising and without hesitation Angel stalked forward and staked him in the heart. As soon as he was dust he returned his attention back to Willow just in time to see her fall to the floor as the former vampire, impaled through the back, by a floating stake turned to dust. She doubled over and coughed, but then a second later she stood up and turned to Angel and Tara with a grin.

'That was kinda impressive.' Angel stated a hint of awe in his voice.

'Thanks.' Willow beamed.

Tara ran towards her and they both embraced. Angel walked back over to Cordelia and helped her to her feet. 'You alright?' He asked.

'I'm fine,' she said gingerly stroking her arm.

'Where's Wesley?'

'We told him we could handle it, she laughed sheepishly, we sent him outside to help the others.'

'You stay in here, see if you can find something for your arm, I'm going to go and help Wes and the others outside.' Angel said, before turning to make his way over to the door – he got halfway there just as Xander came crashing through, sword in hand he landed loudly on his bum.

'Ouch, hey that hurt!' He yelled to some un seen enemy as Angel looked on in amusement. He walked over just as he was getting to his feet. Xander offered him a quick tight smile but then his attention was drawn to the door as a couple more vampires came rushing inside. Both were armed, one like Xander had a sword and the other was carrying some sort of curved knife. Angel and Xander, stood side by side now exchanged a quick look and then they both charged forward towards there enemy, strangely in sync with each other's movements.

Angel faced down his opponent, the one nearest to him carrying the sword, and he thought of his own axe, which he'd left on the floor like an idiot after he'd killed that second vampire. This vampire aimed a blow at him which would have taken off his right arm if Angel hadn't dodged it in time. It missed him by mere centimetres as he ducked to the side of it, in to a forward roll which took him behind his opponent.

He rose quickly to his feet only to be charged again. He ducked another blow from the weapon but this time he wasn't as lucky, the blade caught him slightly on the shoulder and he cried out in pain and rage. His face distorting to its true vampire visage. But he was able to use his good right arm to land a punch to the vampire's face which sent him flying backwards into the guy Xander was fighting.

It only took them both a second to recover and rise to their feet but that second gave Angel a chance to recover to. He reverted back to his human face and he went and stood by Xander again; sparing a glance at him he saw a bloody hole in his top which had obviously been sliced by the knife. Angel gave Xander a questioning look, asking him if he was up for this. In return Xander fixed him with one of his own of annoyance and determination.

'Here, got a present for you.' Xander said, tossing Angel a weapon which he recognised as the knife he'd obviously taken from the vampire he was fighting.

'Thought you could use a little help.' Xander said the hint of a smile in his voice.

Angel caught the weapon in his hand, 'Thanks,' he replied, grateful for it in spite of himself.

Angel faced forward again as the two vampires rose and began to circle them. Without thinking about it Angel and Xander went back to back this time preparing for the attack.

'You trusting me to watch your back?' Angel grunted, half serious as he fought his opponent, landing a series of punches to his face, recalling an earlier conversation him and Xander had had once upon a time, regarding that very same topic.

'I guess so,' Xander replied breathlessly as he aimed another attack at his opponent, better with a baseball bat or something he thought, feeling a little worn now. He's already killed two outside and he was growing tired of fighting this guy who just didn't seem to want to cooperate and die already.

He swung at him again and missed, but then saw an opening as the vamp lost his balance after dodging the swing. Xander moved in fast landing a kick to the vamps groin, not very dignified he thought almost sympathetically as the vampire recoiled and crumbled to his knees in obvious pain. Xander winced but took his opportunity anyway, widening his stance as Buffy had taught him and slightly adjusting his grip on the sword, he swung it round and decapitated the vampire.

'Yay for the Xand man.' He called out in typical Xander fashion, a look of glee spreading on his face. This lasted only a second though as he realised that Spike and Angel were still engaged in a fight. Angel was the better fighter that much Xander was sure of, but he was at a slight disadvantage against his opponent who was swinging a sword around. Best to even the odds he concluded to himself. He looked for an opening then called out.

'Angel, here,' passing his sword to him

Angel took the sword from Xander, grateful for it, though a little resentful that Xander had not only dusted his vampire first but that this was also the second weapon he'd given him. So much for superior vampire fighting skills he thought.

But then he focused his attention on his enemy once again - Now he and the Vamp were on even terms. Angel felt at home with a sword, he was well practiced in it, and he knew this vampire was about to lose. For a moment the battle seemed equally fought, the other vampire matching Angel blow for blow. But then Angel realised that the vamp kept dropping his left elbow and want getting full use of his swing.

This gave Angel the opportunity he needed to come in a fraction closer. He feigned a movement to meet his opponent's sword but with fast reflexes that came of 200 odd years as a vampire and fighting alongside a slayer he drew back at the last moment and stabbed him through the chest instead. It wasn't a killer blow but it brought the vampire to a stop.

He dropped his own sword in shock and pain. And Angel withdrew his weapon from the demons chest, and just like before took off his opponents head. He turned to dust in a second and behind him Angel saw Xander, looking a bit bloodied and tired but grinning from ear to ear.

'That was gross.' He said still smiling. 'But I appreciate good teamwork.'

Angel ignored him and instead turned to survey the rest of the room. The place was a mess. Broken furniture and a floor covered in vampire dust. Not that it mattered too much as he didn't live there anymore. Willow, Tara and Cordelia were stood where he left them tending to Cordelia's wound. Angel had seen Spike take his fight with the vamp back outside and Giles and Wesley were still unaccounted for.

He once again made towards the main door with Xander close behind to finish off any vampires outside. His attention was caught though by Spike crashing back through one of the side entrees, engaged in battle still with the leader and another vampire. How many more could there be? Angel wondered. Then suddenly he sensed rather than saw movement behind him, a second before he heard a cry of warning from Xander. He knew it wasn't human, so he turned quickly lashing out with a punch, it was a direct hit and the vampire was sent flying across the room.

He landed at Willows feet, who looked shocked at his sudden appearance. Her shock quickly changed to a look of concentration though as she began to chant. The vampire seemed paralysed and then Willow placed a hand on his chest. As she chanted the vampire began to scream and a second later Angel realised why. Willow moved her hand back and then he was burning, from the inside out by the looks of it. His eyes were on fire and then his screaming stopped as the fire came from his mouth, and then spread over the rest of his body, within seconds it had consumed him and he too turned to dust.

Angel recoiled in horror for a moment at what he'd witnessed a little afraid of Willow. She looked at him, her eyes were black and she radiated power. Then he blinked and her eyes were normal, and she was Willow again. She staggered slightly, obviously exhausted from the evenings efforts, and leaned against Tara who came and stood by her. He felt a twinge of jealousy – at the obvious love and closeness between the two of them. But he quickly shook it off as he returned his attention to his surroundings.

Giles and Wesley had re-entered the mansion having obviously finished disposing of their share of the vamps. They both looked quite pleased with themselves and not to worse the wear. They came to stand by Xander as he stood watching Spike's battle with the two remaining enemies. He looked torn as whether to enter the fray but then seemed to decide against it watching the action unfold instead.

Angel himself though had decided that enough was enough. Spike was clearly enjoying himself a little too much and wasn't going for the obvious kill. He wasn't so concerned about Spike's welfare, but they were tearing up the place and he was tired and just wanted it over. Both Vampires were circling Spike as he threw out random and uncoordinated punches, occasionally making a hit. Angel strode forward, grabbed the leader by the neck and tossed him across the room. The vampire seemed disorientated by the action as he tried to rise to his feet. Angel quickly followed after him, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and head butted him in the face. Sword still in hand he poised it above the head of the leader.

'By the way,' he spat out angrily. 'The names Angel not Angelus.'

And he drove the sword downwards. To be left with another pile of dust.

This seemed to finally spur Spike into action not wanting to be outdone by Angel. He punched his opponent once, twice, three times in the face and before he grabbed him and tossed him towards the fire place. Then he reached for a piece of wood from a nearby broken chair and marched forward, grabbing the vampire by the collar he grinned down at him menacingly, a full set of vampire teeth on show, before finally with a growl he staked him in the heart .

**Hope you liked. Please review it's much appreciated. J x **


	12. 11 Ties part two

**Chapter Eleven – Ties part two.**

**Beginning to wrap up Angels time in Sunnydale. Time for some Goodbye's. **

**(Azura Ray - Displaced.)**

The battle was over and they all stood silently, triumphant but not really gleeful. For the Scooby's especially, a victory never felt like a victory anymore without Buffy there by their sides. They all looked at each other as if unsure what to say. Moments passed as they surveyed the mess left behind.

'Well that was fun.' Spike laughed finally breaking the silence. 'Funny old time fighting alongside all of you together.'

'Shut up Spike.' Xander said.

'Fine then,' Spike replied angrily, spitting blood from his broken lip to the ground, the wound already beginning to heal. 'I was just saying-'

'Well don't just say anything.' Angel chided in this time. Already sick of the sound of Spike's voice. Wanting him to leave. Immature as it was he wanted to hurt Spike for daring to even be present here now and in Buffy's life.

'Maybe it's time for you to leave Spike.' Giles spoke this time, not harshly but firm- not really a suggestion.

Spike looked around the room at his audience, Dawn was missing upstairs with Anya and he realised he had no real alias in front of him. Willow and Tara had the decency to look guilty, though it appeased him little given the looks of open hostility he was still getting from everyone else. He was an arrogant kind of guy so usually stuff like that didn't bother him- he wasn't really a member of the Scooby's anyway and had never really liked that bint Cordelia or Xander for that matter.

But for some reason this time it felt like rejection. Sharp and cold – after all being around them; her friends, her allies, helping them had made him feel closer to Buffy. Made him feel like maybe he could still redeem himself, make up for failing her, failing to get to Dawn in time. But they didn't want him there, would never trust him or accept him like they seemed to have finally accepted Angel.

'Fine,' he said, letting none of those feelings of hurt enter into his voice.

'I'm never one to stick around where I'm not wanted – 'reaching for a packet of cigarettes in his jacket pocket he continued. 'Say bye to the niblet for me.'

He turned and acknowledged Angel with a small smirk playing on his face. 'Angel.' He nodded and left.

The tension that had been in the room seemed to dissipate and everyone visibly relaxed apart from Angel who hadn't got to say what he had wanted to say to Spike. He knew it needed to be a private conversation though, one he would make sure to have before leaving town.

Everyone began to move, Wesley and Tara went to tend to Cordelia's arm and Xander made his way upstairs to get Anya and Dawn. Angel started to tidy the room as did Giles when Willow interrupted him.

'Angel I can take care of that.' She said with a smile. Angel unsure of what she meant dropped the piece of wood he'd just picked up and stood facing her.

'I'll just use a bit of magic and we can clear this right up.'

'You can do that?' Angel asked, once again in awe of how far her magical ability had developed.

'Yes-'

'Willow, maybe you shouldn't.' Giles interrupted. 'Spells like that can be very temperamental.'

'It's fine Giles.' Willow stated a look of hurt crossing her features. 'I can do it.' She said, the words leaving little room for argument.

She turned and faced the main section of the room her back now to Angel. He heard her mutter a quick incantation in Latin. And then before his eyes the room began to change. The bits of splintered wood from a broken table began to repair themselves. The pieces of furniture that had been moved violently out of place returned to their original spots and the clouding of dust scattered throughout the room simply disappeared. Thirty seconds later the space was tidier and cleaner than it had ever been before.

Angel stared in quiet shock, having never witnessed that kind of magic before. Willow turned back to him with a smile which he returned.

'Willow that was... and what you did earlier with the vampire – you burned him from the inside out .' Giles looked slightly horrified at this.

'I had no idea that you had gotten so adept at magic's. Scared me a little,' he laughed.

Willow smiled again. 'Oh it was nothing, He was easy to control, he was a fledgling. I paralysed him then called upon the element of fire from within. It wouldn't have been as simple with a vampire much older like you or Spike.' She concluded modestly. Though Angel wasn't completely convinced.

He wanted to ask her some more questions but felt reluctant to do so in front of Giles who seemed to disapprove. Angel wondered if Willow's magic was getting out of hand, as it so often could when a person got a taste of real power. He thought then of his old friend Elijah Carnegie - once a great stage show magician he became deeply addicted to magic. And he hoped the same would not happen to Willow, she was strong and brave and one of the kindest people he knew. Deciding against raising the matter further he went to check on Cordelia instead and found Wesley fussing over her with Tara by her side to.

'Guy's I'm alright.' She said with an exaggerated sigh. She smiled at Angel and he returned it with one of his own even if it was a little forced. She seemed not to notice though and looked satisfied that he was alright. A moment later Xander returned with Dawn and Anya at his heels, both looking particularly relieved that the fight was over and that everyone was okay. Dawn hovered around Tara who she obviously felt closest to.

And everyone started into easy conversation and banter regarding the fight in typical style as if a battle for their lives was something to joke about. It reminded Angel so much of Buffy that he simultaneously felt a jolt of sadness as well as joy remembering her banter portion of the fight and her skills at punning. Tara fussed over Willow who seemed a little tired after the battle and the part she played and Anya fussed over Xander and the bloody rip in his shirt.

'You could have been killed.' She chastised him.

'Anya I'm fine.'

'But you might not have been, I've told you time and time again you should leave the fighting up to those that are more equipped for it like witches and sexy broody vampires.'

'Anya I'm not just going to leave the others to fight without me...and hey what do you mean sexy broody vampire?'

'Well look at him.' She said gesturing over at Angel who couldn't quite believe having not had that much experience of Anya, the direction this conversation had taken. She was worse than Cordelia for lack of tact.

Xander did indeed look at Angel who looked back unsure how he was supposed to react.

'But not as sexy as you.' Anya started. 'I mean especially with the rip in your shirt. It's very manly. I think we should probably leave now and go and clean you up.' She said stroking his chest.

Xander had the decency to blush and everyone else had the decency to pretend they hadn't been listening. And Angel decided now was as good a time as any to go and disrupt their conversation and save Xander further embarrassment. He had something he wanted to discuss with him. Though he was unsure of what Xander's response would be. He thought he might be the one to give him answers. After all though they had fought side by side together tonight and Xander had been perfectly civil towards him, but they didn't exactly have a great history as friends.

' I need to ask you something.' Angel stated serious now. Looking at Xander then Anya in turn. She seemed to understand that he wanted to speak to Xander in private, so she kissed him quickly on the cheek and went over to join the others.

'It's about the Buffy bot.'

'What about her?' Xander asked clearly uncomfortable at the change in subject. This only made Angel more determined to ask his questions.

'Some of the things she said to me, about Spike and about myself.' He prompted but Xander didn't respond, fidgeting nervously.

'She insulted me and then said something about Spike being dreamy.' Angel finished bitterly.

'Oh...well, see-'

Xander considered for a moment telling Angel the truth, telling him how and what the Buffy bot had been created for. Imagining what Angel would then go and do to Spike in return. And maybe once upon a time he would have done. The old Xander might have even relished in it. Felt joyous at the pain that he'd be certain to see etched all over Angel face if he knew.

But he wasn't that person anymore. He wasn't jealous or angry at Angel. He had Anya and he truelly loved her with everything he had. He could see now what it was costing Angel to just get by and he didn't want to add to that. He understood now what his younger self had never been able to grasp. Angel was a good person, a champion, a man that was worthy of his best friend after all. There was nothing to be gained out of hurting him further and Buffy wouldn't have wanted him to. So instead he did what he knew was right and he lied to Angel.

' A while back some nerdy student made a robot girlfriend for himself, like that Ted guy. You remember him? And so we all thought it was a good idea to have one of Buffy you know to act as a decoy in battle. And it's come in really handy.'

Angel nodded for him to go on.

' It is weird though, more than weird, it's painful to see her everyday looking like Buffy and sounding like Buffy but not really being her. But then we never expected to be using her to cover up Buffy's death. I think...I think Dawnie finds it hardest, living with it in her house.'

Angel nodded again in understanding and sympathy but still couldn't shake the nagging feeling that something else was going on. 'But still the things she...IT said about me and about Spike?

'Yer Angel I'm sorry about that, Willow told me and that must have been hard. Spike got hold of the guy before he was finished. She only has a basic personality. A few details about everyone and Spike thought it'd be funny to programme it to think those things. He's an idiot Angel but it doesn't mean anything.' Xander finished and Angel almost seemed convinced and he hoped that he would drop the subject.

'Okay...I'll accept that.' Angel replied, looking at Xander like maybe he knew that it wasn't true But that just maybe he didn't really want to know the answer after all.

'I was also kind of wondering something else-'

Xander nodded for him to continue. 'Why you are being so nice to me.' Angel said to him sounding genuinely puzzled.

Xander looked at him and smirked. 'Perspective,' was his reply.

'What does that mean?'

Xander looked at him and fixed Angel with a look he never given him before. A look of sympathy and apology.

'Well for one thing, time has passed and so much has happened and things have changed Angel, I've changed and let's just say I can look at things between you and Buffy a little more clearly now.'

Angel understood what he meant, back then Xander had been clouded by jealousy, he had been in love with Buffy, had wanted her for himself and couldn't understand how she could chose a demon over him. But for his part Angel had kind of got where Xander was coming from even if he hadn't really liked the boy. And he would always be grateful for Xander standing up to Angelus that time he had tried to go to Buffy in the hospital. Xander was a brave man and Angel respected him for it.

'Also,' Xander continued. 'I'm dating a thousand year old ex vengeance demon with a very colourful past, so who am I to judge you. And finally and most importantly I might add, having had to put up with Spike for the last two years I'm beginning to realise maybe you weren't so bad after all.' He said smiling. And for the first time in a long time Angel smiled a large, genuine smile.

Xander reached out and patted him on the shoulder. 'And I miss her Man, and I know you do to. I had to bury my best friend today and something's that seemed important once just aren't anymore.'

And then Angel knew from them on him and Xander would be friends.

Before anything else could be said between the two of them, Giles walked up to interrupt.

'Angel were all going to be heading off know. Unless there is any reason you need us to stay.'

'No that's fine Giles, it's late. It's been a long day for all of us. You guys should go.' He replied somewhat secretly relieved that he would finally get to be alone.

Giles smiled tightly at him, then in a gesture that surprised them both, he patted Angel on the arm.

'Goodbye Angel. Take care of yourself.' He then turned and walked back towards where all the others were gathered. He spoke to them briefly then headed for the door, where he lingered for a moment like he wanted to say something else. But then he simply turned and left.

Tara and Anya followed him after a moment. But Dawn and Willow lingered perhaps wanting to say something to him. He turned his attention back to Xander who was watching him with a strange expression on his face, like he was seeing him for the first time. Then Xander stuck out his hand and Angel shuck it.

'Bye Angel,' he said.

'Xander,' Angel nodded at him and Xander turned to leave.

'Wait Xander –'Xander turned back around to face him.

'Take care of them; they're going to need your own special branch of Xander humour now more than ever.'

Xander smirked at that. 'Your the heart of the group, whether you know it or not. They need you. Take care of them.'

Xander nodded this time a look of gratitude on his face then turned and walked out the mansion.

Dawn walked up to him then and he smiled down at her – a special smile, reserved for Summers women only, and she smiled back at him, her eyes filled with tears.

'It's okay Dawnie, you'll be okay,' he said reaching down to cup her cheek and wipe away a fallen tear.

'I ...it's hard without her Angel, without Buffy and without Mum. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.'

'You're supposed to go on and live, like Buffy would have wanted for you.'

'I know but-'

'No buts, you're stronger than you know Dawn.'

She smiled at him then and he reached down and gave her a brief hug.

'And your okay?' She asked him.

'I'll be okay.'

She understood what he meant and with one last watery smile she turned away from him and left the mansion to.

And then Willow was next to him and like Dawn she looked ready to cry.

'Take care of yourself Angel.' She whispered to him as he bent down into her embrace.

'Always do.' He replied.

She smiled at him then clasped his hand tightly.

'You would want her back if you could, wouldn't you?' She asked, sounding almost desperate, and pleading in her despair. Her question confused Angel – of course he would.

'Of course Willow, I would give anything to see...to have her back again,' he said his voice breaking.

That seemed to calm her and she relaxed again. 'She still loved you, did you know that?'

Angel looked her in the eyes again, his uncertainty answering the question for her.

'I-'

'Angel, it was never Riley, he was just...It was always you.' And Angel didn't know how to respond to that. Did it matter now that she was gone?

'You know you have to lead them now?' He said to Willow changing the subject.

'I'm not sure that I can. I'm not Buffy Angel, I don't know if I'm capable of that.'

'Of course you are.' He smiled again. 'You've always had it inside you Willow, right from the very beginning. You wouldn't be here right now if you didn't. In fact I remember a certain person shouting at me and Giles and rightly so about getting are acts together. You understand things other people don't, just like Buffy did. I know Buffy always believed in you Willow; you just have to believe in yourself.'

She smiled again at him then and then with one last brief hug, she left to. And Angel was left alone again. Cordelia and Wesley had said their goodbye's and disappeared off to bed. But Angel was a creature of the night. And he still had a few more things he wanted to do before he attempted to sleep...

**I always wanted Xander and Angel to just be friends and so I decided to make it so. And call me an optimist but I reckon if they met up later on they could have been. Also wanted to hint briefly to Angel what Willow was planning to do, like she was somehow asking his permission. And did anyone else spot the 'Monsters Island' book reference?**

**Hope you enjoyed. J x **


	13. 12 She

**Chapter Twelve - She**

**Later that night...**

It was still dark out, though the sun wasn't far off. Down by the smallest cemetery in Sunnydale, a lone figure stood staring at a freshly covered grave. Angel had returned to say a private goodbye to his beloved. He felt free to grieve and let his sorrow escape to the surface as he'd been unable and unwilling to do earlier in the presence of others. Stood now at her final resting place – he allowed himself to really feel, he allowed himself a moment, just a moment to break. And there a solitary tear fell down his cheek as he thought of the woman he loved and would never see again.

From the pocket of his long black duster he withdrew two small silver objects, objects that had special meaning between the slayer and vampire. One, a ring, with a small heart encircled by two hands underneath a crown. A piece of jewellery steeped in Irish tradition and worn by lovers to represent the bonds of friendship, loyalty and love.

The second item attached to a long thin chain was that of a cross. An exact replica of the one he had once given her. Angel handled this one particularly carefully. He then withdrew a small ornate wooden box from his other pocket, where he deposited the 2 small items.

Closing the box he looked up and sighed gently placing his free hand on Buffy's headstone. He then knelt slowly and unearthed a small mound of the freshly covered earth. And it was there that he placed the box before covering it again. 'Goodbye Buffy. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I love you.' He said bowing his head.

A minute must have past as he remained kneeling at her grave when he sensed rather than saw the approach of another Vampire. More Vampires looking for a fight with the big bad Angelus he thought bitterly. He stood slowly without turning, readying himself for another fight that he intended to enjoy.

He showed no outward indication that he knew an enemy was approaching, but inside his anger was barely contained at being interrupted at Buffy's grave. He was going to enjoy making this vampire's last moments on this earth as violent and painful as possible. He realised though that the vampire in question had come to a stop, which he thought was unusual. And as he turned to face them, his mind caught up with itself and he realised...

'Spike!' He spoke with menace in his voice.

'What are you doing here Spike?' Angel questioned, rage seeping from every pore_. How dare he come here again?_ He turned a look of deep anger resonating from his dark eyes. 'You shouldn't have come back here.'

'I have every right...' Spike started.

'YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!' Angel growled back.

'Come on now can't we share the same air space...' Spike joked stupidly trying to ease the tension, not realising that Angel was too far gone on the edges of grief to joke around with even for a second. Angel had accepted Spike at the funeral because Willow had requested it, and because he felt he had no right to say otherwise as he wasn't part of their lives anymore in Sunnydale. But that didn't mean it hadn't pained him to see Spike there, to know that Spike had been present in Buffy's life when he had left. To know that she had come to rely on him. That should have been his place and he had nobody else to blame but himself.

'You need to leave Spike, NOW.' He growled, it wasn't a request.

Spike looked at Angel, really looked and now he registered the barely contained rage that was building in his grandsire, it reminded him of time long gone when Angelus was the one walking around in that body, and he shivered slightly, a tiny trickle of fear settling inside him.

He knew what Angelus and Angel were capable off. Spike realised that if it ended in a fight tonight there was a fair chance he wasn't making it out alive. And then that thought made him smile. He was barely making it through since the moment Buffy had died. _Would he really care if Angel meant to kill him?_

Spike longed for just another moment, just to hear her voice, to see her face. He would have wanted to have said goodbye. Not that he thought that it would have meant anything to her, she'd barely tolerated him. But in those last week's she had treated him like a man, like maybe she thought he was deserving. He had already been in love with her but that had made him love her more. He remembered...

'I know you'll never love me but you treat me like a man...'

Without her he was falling, and if he could take that great big ponce along with him all the better, he thought. He hated Angel, truelly hated him because she had truelly loved him. And the way she used to look at him and the feeling she had shown him were something Spike knew she would never have had for him. He was jealous, beyond jealous; he couldn't even describe the feeling.

So right now he was jonsing for a fight, anything to distract him from it all. So maybe an end to his life would be a good thing, and end to all the pain.

He thought to goad Angel more in the hopes of provoking him. 'I'm not going anywhere mate.' He spat right back at him.

Angel launched himself at Spike; he had been waiting for this moment ever since Willow had told him how much Spike was involved in their lives now. He was angry and jealous and guilt ridden all at once and he wanted to fight and fight hard to cast of those feelings

Spike had obviously been expecting Angels attack and he was able to dodge the first punch Angel aimed at his head. But Angel was a lot stronger and faster than he had been a few years ago. His time in L.A had allowed him to hone his skills and the second punch was too fast for Spike to escape.

Spike was nearly knocked off of his feet by the force of it and immediately went on the defensive his vampire survival instincts kicking in. He looked for a weakness in Angel's defence that he could exploit. Angel was powerful, stronger in fact than Spike but he was so worked up he wasn't paying attention to his stance and had left himself open for an attack to his right side.

Spike grinned and feigned left for a fraction of a second, following Angels movements, he then launched himself right and got in a punch to Angels chest. Angel grunted in surprise and pain and kicked out at Spike catching him slightly. Spike sent another punch Angel's way and clipped his chin. Angel was immediately back on the attack and he and Spike began to circle each other looking for an opening.

'I'll say it again Spike, you have no right to be here.' Angel hissed before making a move towards him again. He jumped at Spike and his momentum led him forward, coming down right on the spot Spike was stood, he launched a punch at him from above, driving Spike to the ground.

Spike stood quickly wiping the blood from his now split lip, spitting on the ground he shouted. 'You self righteous bastard! I have no right to be here? You left! I was the one that was there, I was the one protecting Dawn, and I was the one fighting at Buffy's side. And where were you? Playing happily families with your little friends in L.A. YOU LEFT HER ANGEL, YOU GAVE UP ON HER.'

Angel listened as he had his own fears and doubts thrown back at him by Spike a person he loathed more than anyone else. Spike was a reminder, a constant reminder of the terrible things that Angel had done in his past. Of what he had been, and what he was capable of doing.

He began to circle round Spike again never daring to take his eyes of him, preparing to make another attack, and he spat back. 'Your right Spike, I should have been here, and you know why? Because I wouldn't have failed. You always were second best when it came to me. I guess you just weren't strong enough. Too busy following Buffy around like a love sick puppy to actually make yourself useful.'

Angel threw these accusations at Spike, knowing his character so well, he knew just how to make the biggest impact. He wanted to hurt him and make him suffer like he was suffering now. But most of all he wanted to throw away some of his feelings of guilt onto someone else.

'No! I...' Spike made to respond but Angel wasn't even listening, he had a crazed look in his eye which suggested that he had only just started.

'You're pathetic Spike, a sad excuse for a man or vampire, whatever you're supposed to be. Did you actually think for one second that she could love you back, that she would even go near you? You were a joke to her and me. We would laugh about you, did you know that? We would talk on the phone about everything going on in our lives, she told me about you.' He lied.

'About your feelings for her. And we would laugh about it, poor stupid Spike, can't be a real vampire, to weak and pathetic to be useful, don't bother killing him what a waste of time that would be, he's not even worth it. Oh how we...'

'SHUT UP!' Spike shouted lunging forward at Angel; he managed to catch him off guard with a punch to the face. Angels head whipped back in shock, and then his face changed; he morphed into his vampire visage. A feral dark glint in his eyes, he let out an inhuman growl and he too launched himself back at Spike.

Knocking him to the ground he had gained the upper hand and he started punching him over and over in the face. He showed no mercy as Spike's face became a bloodied, horrifying mess, he too had vamped out. But Angel was too distracted by his anger and pain and Spike was soon able to throw him off. Angel rose quickly to his feet watching the now pitiful figure of Spike who remained on the ground.

'No' Spike shouted, his voice hoarse and full of agony 'She wouldn't say that...she...she trusted me with Dawn...I fought at her side she would never say that. He said, whispering the last part almost to himself.

'You're wrong!' Spike cried unashamedly, tears came to his eyes and he made no attempt to wipe them away.

'Buffy cared- she might not have loved me, but she cared like no one else did. She treated me...she treated me like I was a person.'

And just like that the spell was broken and the fight was over, Angel knew it. He hated Spike but he couldn't blame him for loving Buffy. He knew as well that if she'd been there right now she would have shouted at them both for fighting like that. Buffy had always been able to see the good in people and he had admired her for it. If she hadn't been like that then she never would have loved him.

Angel sighed deeply, a resigned sort of sound and then he reached out his hand to Spike who was still sprawled on the floor. Spike eyed Angel warily, confused by the sudden change of events. Wiping blood from his split lip with one hand he reached for Angel's with the other. Deciding it wasn't a trick after all.

He rose to his feet and swiftly let go of Angel's hand, and took a step backwards. Dusting himself off, he looked up straight into Angel's eyes. Eyes now filled not with the anger he'd witnessed earlier, but with a deep sense of loss and sadness. For a moment Spike felt sorry for Angel, he knew he loved Buffy. And now it seemed for the first time in a long time they were united in something. Both of them were suffering underneath the weight of grief. They had been rivals for so long and now both of them loved the same dead woman. If it wasn't so cruel it would be funny.

None the less he knew how Angel felt about him- they were still enemies. He himself completely loathed Angel. He had always ended up second best to him. Even after killing two slayers- something he was somewhat ashamed of now. Nothing have ever been good enough, Angelus and Angel had always beaten him.

He could have lived with that maybe except Angel had won at the most important thing of all. He had well and truelly won Buffy's love- he had gained her heart and yet he had still left. Something Spike couldn't understand- he didn't think he would have been capable of leaving her were she still alive.

He could have laughed now if it wasn't so painful- thinking back to when he first arrived in Sunnydale. He had been disgusted witnessing Angel's love for Buffy- a slayer for God's sake. He hadn't been able to understand it. They had been willing to die for each other. Of course he felt like that now to, even with her gone. But it had never mattered - not with Angel still the one she thought about.

'She would have kicked both are arses you know, if she could see us now.' Angel stated interrupting Spike's musings.

'Yer.' Spike laughed agreeing.

'Who'd have seen that coming? Two vampires, especially us two, Scourge of Europe, William the bloody, falling in love with a slayer?' Spike mused, half expecting another assault for his words.

'Well our girls special.' Angel replied before he could think about what he's said. He frowned and Spike just smirked.

'I don't like you Spike- never have, never will. But I respect what you did for Buffy. From what Willow said you were there for her a lot near the end. So I want to thank you for that. I wasn't there and I should have been, but at least she had you.' He paused taking a step closer to Spike, getting in his face.

'But, and I don't care how much everyone else seems to forget it, you included. Your chip- it isn't a soul, there cannot be any true remorse for you. I don't want to see you again while I'm still in town Spike. And just so you know put one step out of line, show one hint of the old Spike and I will kill you. Got that?'

Spike wanted to retaliate, he really did, with some well chosen words rhyming with tick and looker, but he thought better of it. He could tell it had cost Angel to say thank you to him so he accepted all that he had said and reined his demon in and nodded instead.

Deciding that was the end of the conversation he acknowledged Angel once more then he took one last look at Buffy's grave. Thinking to return another night. Then he turned and walked away. It was a risk leaving himself exposed to attack like that. But he figured if Angel had meant to attack him he would have done so again already.

Angel watched Spike walk away and resisted the urge to go after him and finish what they had started. Today was not the time though. Maybe one day he would have to finish it but that would not be tonight. He knew a battle between him and Spike would be closely matched and he didn't relish the thought. Especially not with all their history.

So he turned his attention back to Buffy's grave and he stood there watching, hands in his pockets, silent and still as the hour ticked by. Dreading the moment the rising sun would force him to leaveher.Yet also slightly grateful that he would be leaving Sunnydale behind shortly and try to escape the many memories haunting him still.

He stood there until he felt the first signs that the sun was rising, wishing that he wouldn't have to wait out another day in Sunnydale before he could return to L.A and escape the memories that were all around him. He took in her grave for one final moment. 'Bye Buffy.' He whispered, before he too turned and walked away. He still had half an hour before he had to worry about the dangers of the sun so he took his time and walked back to the mansion. He felt exhausted and was unwilling to allow himself to think of her anymore this night. It was too emotionally draining; he couldn't cope with it anymore. So he began instead to sing to himself under his breath- the best of Manilow, succeeded in keeping him occupied all the way back to the mansion and to his bed.

**I like this chapter because I love Spike! Though I'm BA all the way, Spike is one of my favourite characters, and it always got to me in one of the last scene from 'The Gift' when he unashamedly cried his eyes out when Buffy dies. Joss never gave us that kind of reaction from Angel. So I just wanted to do a Spike scene to show my appreciation for his character and because I love the dynamic between him and Angel. Hope you liked. Will update soon. J X **


	14. 13 Soul Purpose

**Chapter 13 - Soul Purpose**

**The name of this chapter relates to the fact that Angel has to realise that he has a purpose which exists beyond Buffy, no matter how much he loves her. **

**(I will remember you- Sarah Mchlachlan)**

Cordelia and Wesley rushed through the cold and unfriendly mansion, searching him out, calling his name. 'Angel-'

There was no reply though and after a few minutes of looking both Watcher and Seer had ascertained that the Mansion was empty apart from them. As night had fallen the place had been plunged into darkness and with no lights to lead the way through the corridors Cordelia saw shadow's and heard noises where there weren't any. She shivered and drew her arms around herself in a protective gesture, and hurried more quickly to find Wesley again. Without the daylight and the presence of the others the building was just downright creepy and so she felt relieved as she stepped back into the main room and was greeted with the sight of the forlorn looking man.

'No sign of him?' He asked, even though he knew the answer.

'No, all the rooms were empty.' She sighed and took a seat on the couch nearest to her. They had grown worried when they had gone in to check on Angel around mid day and realised that he was not in his bed. It was daylight – and so he must have used the sewer access to escape the confines of the mansion, but they didn't know why. It had seemed clear to both of them that he hated being back in Sunnydale without Buffy there by his side. So they couldn't understand where he would have possibly wanted to go.

When night had finally begun to fall and he had failed to return to them then, their fear had been peaked. They had agreed the previous evening that they would leave today as soon as the sun had set. So where was he?

So with increasing worry in their hearts they had agreed upon a plan- Wesley went to Willy's and then on to the butchers shops with his mobile on loud, hoping for Angels' swift discovery while Cordelia in Angel's car set off around town looking for him in all the old haunting grounds.

Wesley had wanted to be the one to go, as he feared for her safety out alone, but Cordelia had insisted it be her. She had lived there all her life up until she was 18 and so she knew the place a lot better than he did and so thought it would be quicker this way. She had armed herself with a stake and set off. Unfortunately though, she hadn't been able to find him and dejectedly she returned to the mansion an hour or so later with Wesley who was growing more and more agitated.

'What do we do know?' She turned to the former watcher with her question. Afraid that he didn't have an answer for once.

'What if he's-'

'What if he's what Cordelia? This is Angel after all. He's lived for over 200 odd years and suffered a great deal. He's strong.'

'I know. But he loved her Wes, and now she's gone and we can't find him.'

'Try calling him again.' He suggested, without much conviction.

She sighed but reached for her phone anyway. She had called him dozens of times already. It always went straight to his voicemail. But still she redialled the familiar number and with hope put the phone to her ear. It faded almost instantly though when she heard the now familiar message.

'_**This is Angel; leave a message-'Beep.**_

She tossed the phone next to her in frustration and glared at Wesley. 'Anymore bright ideas?'

He ignored her tone. 'One – maybe it's time we got some help?'

'Help? She asked 'From who, the Scooby's?

'I was thinking Spike actually.' She raised her eyebrows at him in response.

'He would be able to track Angel through his scent-'Wesley reasoned, expecting her negative reaction anyway.

'Spike though!' Cordelia exploded. 'They hate each other, and Spike is evil whatever everyone else might think, if he's... if Angel is vulnerable right now the last person we need around is Spike. And what makes you think he would help us anyway?'

'I don't know that he would.' Wesley admitted with a tired sigh. 'But were running low on options. What other choice do we have? We need to find him and I have no other ideas except to wait and hope Angel returns.'

'Well I have a better one than that.' Cordelia beamed suddenly clapping her hands together. She stood and grabbed her phone again.

'Why didn't I think of it earlier – we could have saved a lot of time.'

'What? Think of what?' 'Cordelia-'Wesley called her name when she failed to respond to his questioning.

She tutted at him. 'Willow of course!' She replied already looking up the number to dial. 'Glenda the good witch can do a locator spell and find Angel for us. It'll be simple for someone as strong as her.

'Good thinking.' Wesley complimented, jumping up of the couch with a smile. Glad that they now had a sensible plan of action. Though slightly put out that he hadn't been the one to think of it. In fact he thought, if he had the ingredients he probably could have done it himself.

He stood silent and impatient by Cordelia's side as she finally located the number and dialled. It rang a few times and she tutted with impatience before Willow finally picked up.

'Hello.' Willow's sleepy voice came over the phone.

'Hi Willow, It's Cordelia.'

'Hey Cordy, are you alright? I was just – '.

'I'm fine Willow,' Cordelia interrupted. 'But it's Angel, we can't find him. We were supposed to have left hours ago. But he's missing.' She replied, cutting straight to the point.

'Missing?'

'Yer we can't find him and were getting kind of worried.'

'Okay, what can I do to help?' Willow asked already beginning to formulate a plan. 'Do you want me to round up the guys so we can help you look?'

'No that'd take too long. I was thinking that you could aid us with a little magical assistance.'

'Oh-'

'I was hoping you'd be able to do a locator spell. Do you know if it would work on a vampire?'

'I don't see why not. Especially with Angel having a soul, it means he's anchored to the world. ' Willow said sounding more enthusiastic than before. 'It would help if I had something of his though, it would centre the spell.'

'Okay, well I could bring you something over.' Cordelia replied, quickly going through her head what she could grab from his bag, and worrying about how much time that would all take.

'No wait,' Willow interrupted her thoughts. 'Scratch that, we have something here. I just thought of it, a gift he gave to Buffy years ago. That should do just fine.' And she nodded to herself satisfied.

'Okay, well can you do that now and then call me back?'

'Yep, will do. It shouldn't take long.'

'Thanks Willow, your brilliant.'

Willow smiled down the phone at the compliment. 'My pleasure.' But then she was serious again. 'I just hope that he's alright.'

'Yer me to.' And with those parting words Cordelia hung up the phone.

Willow quickly gathered up all the ingredients she needed from about the house. Grateful that she had everything, and glad that she didn't have to take a trip to the magic box as that would have wasted time that they didn't have. She hadn't voiced her full fear on the phone with Cordelia because it wouldn't have achieved anything except to worry them all further but she was really concerned that Angel would do something stupid.

She was afraid, very afraid, Angel loved Buffy and without her maybe he just didn't see a way forward. She herself had thought for a brief moment at the funeral what it would feel like if she had lost Tara. And the idea of it had nearly brought her to her knees. Angel was strong, but even the strongest of people can only take so much...

Ten minutes later and she had everything set up. She was alone in the living room of the house downstairs. Tara had taken Dawn to the cinema nearly two hours ago in an attempt to cheer her up. She was glad for it to. She didn't want to have to explain this to the youngest Summer's. It would only cause her more pain and worry something Willow was desperate to shield her from. After all she was already carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

The only light in the room came from the candles she had lit which flickered as if there was a light breeze. Willow sat inside the circle she had made for herself and began to recite the words of the spell, memorised from the many times she had performed it. It was a simple incantation for her and didn't require too much energy. She placed the token she had been holding in her lap, the personal item linked to Angel – the leather jacket he had once given to Buffy once upon an easier time. So she began...

10 minutes later...

Kingman's Bluff – One of the highest points in Sunnydale. That's where he was. And Willow felt like she should have known all alone without the spell where he would be. It held special significance to both him and Buffy- she knew that. As she knew that that was where he had gone once before in an attempt to end his life after his guilt filled return to earth.

Willow was immediately terrified, terrified of what he might do, why would he go there otherwise? Was his plan the same as before? She wasn't sure, there was still many hours till the sun was supposed to rise, so maybe he just went there to be alone. But what if he'd gone there to wait?

Willow stood up and grabbed her phone, she considered for a moment trying to teleport herself there. It would be quicker, but it would also be dangerous – teleportation was volatile. And she thought strange as it was Cordelia and Wesley were the ones who knew him best. If he was suicidal they might be the ones to get through to him. Her mind made up she dialled Cordelia back.

**Kingman's Bluff**

Wesley moved as fast as he could, and felt it wasn't fast enough. That one phone call from Willow had changed everything, his world felt upside down and he was afraid that it wouldn't ever right again. Not if Angel planned to do what he was thinking.

He'd watched from his seat on the sofa as Cordelia had listened to Willow, and his stomach had dropped out his chest as he saw the look that crossed her face. He hadn't immediately been able to get a response from her when she hung up as she had rushed for the car and told him to get in. He got it out of her in the vehicle though. The journey had been short but every second felt stretched out- they were losing time- every moment was one lost to help him. Cordelia had driven them to the bottom of the hill and jumped out without even switching off the engine and Wesley had quickly followed as she began to jog the distance.

He felt the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, like he should have sensed or seen that Angel wasn't alright. He thought that though his friend was in pain that he had been holding it together well. After all he hadn't even shed any real tears. But Wesley realised know how stupid he had been, he had missed the real signs, maybe he didn't know Angel as well as he had thought. He's only been in Sunnydale for a short period when Buffy and Angel had been together, and though he had been witness to it. He had only ever been aware of how much Buffy had seemed to love Angel.

He had only seen them be really affectionate towards one another at the Prom when Angel had shown up unexpectedly. He had seen how the rest of the world had fallen away for the couple and then and only then had he got a glimpse of the love reflected in Angels eyes. It had shocked him at the time, a vampire and vampire slayer in love with each other and he hadn't really understood it. Having never experienced real love himself. He had thought, just as Cordelia seemed to, that with the separation over time that their feelings for each other would have lessened. Obviously he realised he didn't understand much about real love at all.

Cordelia half jogged, half stumbled with Wesley at her side as she ascended the hill to Kingman's Bluff. She was sweating, dirty and out of breath but she didn't stop. It felt like they were moving so slow. There was still a time before sunrise. However if Angel wasn't going to come willingly they would need some time to come up with a plan. And here she was all slow and human and wasting precious time. Where was a super power when you needed one? A bit of enhanced speed would have come in real handy about now.

She was scared, what could they say to him? Maybe they were over acting, maybe he just wanted to be alone for a while. She just had to see him though and know for herself. She loved him, she knew that now, maybe she wasn't in love with him (though maybe she could be, in another life) but the circumstances they lived in made that such a small possibility. But she loved him anyway as her friend and as her family. They had gotten incredibly close the past few years, especially after the little blip when he fired them all. Strangely enough he was her best friend and she was his. She could never have imagined it, years earlier when he was in Sunnydale and in love with Buffy. But here they were and she wouldn't let anything happen to him if she could prevent it. She trusted him, she needed him around. She struggled on trying to go faster...

Angel stood and looked out at the town below; he noticed the lights from the houses in the distance and had thought of all the people in their homes going about their very ordinary lives. And he felt a deep ache in his undead heart for the normal life he'd longed for but wasn't sure mattered anymore without the possibility of getting to share it with her.

Ever since the shanshu prophecy had been revealed to him, even in his darkest hours with Darla he had felt a glimmer of hope that one day he might just get to be happy, get to have a human future, with a life and an end- all with Buffy. But now it wasn't even a possibility and he wasn't sure he wanted it that way.

There was a light breeze and he felt the threat of rain in the air but he ignored it. He had been stood on that very same spot now for over an hour. He had not moved but now he turned his head up to the sky, imploring to the heavens, asking why she had been taken from him? Taken from the world. She was so full of goodness, and light and fire and hope, and it was cruel that she was gone from a place that desperately needed her.

His vampire hearing picked up approaching footsteps and he knew that Cordelia and Wesley had found him at last. He had been expecting their arrival eventually and once again he was grateful that he had people who cared about him so much. He knew that they would worry when they discovered him gone especially when he turned off his phone but he had just needed to do this one last thing. To visit this one place which meant more to him than any other spot in Sunnydale.

The sound of their approach took him back to that night so long ago on Christmas Eve that he hadn't allowed himself to think about in a long while. The night he had stood in this very same spot ready to end everything. But of course she had come after him, fought for him like she always did. Pleaded with him to be strong and to realise that he had a greater purpose in this life than he could understand.

She along with a little help from the ptb had brought him back from the brink and given his life a purpose that he hadn't known was there and he would be forever grateful for that. It was the reason he was still standing now when all he wanted to do was collapse, give up and scream at the world for taking her from him. Once again he wanted to let the world swallow him whole so he could escape the pain. But her love and the memory of her strength would not let him.

The words - a memory dancing on the wind. It had been nearly three years since she had uttered the things that had completely put him on the road to redemption. The path to making amends for all he had done. He had been scared and weak and had decided that it was too hard to fight, too hard to see her and not want to lose his soul in her again.

It was if the scene was playing out in front of him now. He closed his eyes.

'_**It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.'**_

_**I know what it told you. What does it matter?**_

_**Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care.**_

He had thought what he was doing, ending his life, taking away the threat that he posed was the right thing to do for the world. But she had pleaded with him to come away before the sun rose; she made him see that to die then would be giving up, being weak. He had tried to force her to leave...

**Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!**

But she had refused, and thank God that she had. She had seen what he had done, been witness to it personally and yet she had still somehow loved him.

**What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away... I killed you and it didn't help.**

He was unworthy of her, but she loved him anyway. Told him how to become the man she knew he could be.

_**"Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster." **_

'Angel?' He was snapped out of the memories by a familiar female voice behind him and he turned round to the sight of Cordelia and Wesley. They both looked tired and were out of breath, from running he guessed and he greeted them with a small smile hoping to dampen any fears they might have been holding. Cordelia knew the story so he supposed that Wesley did to now. But he was not here to end his life as they might have thought. He was there to strengthen himself, he had needed a reminder of why he had to keep on fighting the good fight and this had given it to him.

'Angel, are you alright?' Cordelia asked as she approached him slowly as if afraid he was going to run away from her.

'Cordelia I'm fine.' He replied, a little put out at her demeanour, Wesley's to. He too began to approach Angel like one might a frightened child.

'Guy's look I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going. I just needed to be alone.'

He paused and moved towards them. 'I needed to do this one last thing before I could leave town...Leave her behind and say G...goodbye.' He said his voice breaking on the last word.

'Oh Angel-'Cordelia cried enveloping him in a hug, all her worry dissipating. 'I understand. I just wish you'd told us where you were going. We...we were worried about you, we didn't know what to think.'

Angel held her tighter, gratefully and looked over her shoulder at Wesley, who offered him a nod, his own relief evident to see. Angel suddenly felt really guilty, realising he had been a little selfish on his quest. He sometimes forgot what it was like to have people care about him. Cordelia finally released him and took a step back, standing next to Wesley. They both looked at him a little sheepishly like they didn't know what to do next.

'You guys thought I was going to kill myself didn't you?' He questioned, finding amusement even in the strange circumstances of their lives.

'Not me, Wesley,' Cordelia stuttered pointing at the former watcher. 'You know what he's like, always jumping to conclusions. I didn't think it for a second. Okay well maybe a tiny second, but the point is...'

'Cordelia,' Angel interrupted. 'You're babbling.'

'Oh sorry.'

'It's okay.' He said turning away from them both to stare back down at the rest of Sunnydale.

'Angel?' Wesley questioned. 'Are you ready to go back to L.A?'

Angel was silent for a minute then he turned and faced them both a slight smile on his face. 'Yer I'm ready to go home.'

**I have trouble with the character of Cordelia, she's hard to write because at this point in the timeline she's very far away from the girl she was in Sunnydale, and I like her and Angel's relationship as friends but it still a bit away before she her and Angel have feelings for each other on the show. Anyway hope you liked. Only a few more chapters to go till the B/A reunion! **


	15. 14 City Of

**Chapter Fourteen - City of...**

**This chapter was quick but still hard to write just because basically it's all that happens from the Angel leaving Sunnydale to Buffy being resurrected to the point where her and Angel go to meet up. But I didn't want to just hash out canon. I thought that'd be a bit pointless, if you wanted that you could just watch the show. So it's basically a summary chapter to lead up to the big moment that this story been leading up to – the meet up. So hope you like. **

**(I Grieve- Peter Gabriel)**

After the moment on the hill in Sunnydale Angel had thought that he was moving forward, taking a positive step in the right direction. But as soon as he'd gotten back to L.A all he had felt was empty. It was dark where he was, and there was something pressing down on his chest, tighter and tighter every day. At night when he tried to sleep and find a moments peace she haunted his dreams. That should have been a good thing, to dream would be a chance to hear her voice and see her face and to be with her in a way he never could in life. Except they weren't really dreams at all – they were nightmares.

They were him pushing her off the platform and watching her fall to her death. They were her blaming him for her death, telling him she would have been alive if he hadn't left or if he had never come to Sunnydale in the first place and ruined her life. Her stabbing him in the chest and sending him to hell with a smile on her face.

Then there was the one that he dreamed of the most. The one that caused him to wake in a cold sweat, feeling like he was going to vomit. The one that made him want to die. Buffy and Spike together, in love, naked and in bed. Laughing at him and teasing him for never being good enough for her. For never having what it took to be the man that she really needed. Over and over like a song on repeat he dreamed this dream.

And Cordelia and Fred, Gunn and Wesley watched with increasing worry as he retreated into himself further and further. He would still go out on a job, but he hardly spoke a word anymore. He locked himself away in the basement to train, or in his room to be alone. He was always alone.

And so Wesley, despairing of the state of his friend, worried that they were going to lose him to darkness again suggested that Angel go away for a while. He found a monastery in Tibet that specialised in spiritual healing after the loss of a loved one. And so Angel went, somewhat reluctantly but he just didn't have the energy anymore to argue.

And it did help. He meditated and he prayed and he even talked a little. He felt a little of the burden begin to lift after a while. He still had the dreams and he still thought of her every day when he wasn't doing something to distract himself, but it got a little easier as each day went by. For months he stayed there, just trying to get by day to day. Then some of the monks had turned out to be demons and they had attacked and he had fought and he had won and in that moment he realised it was time to go home to his friends and the innocents that needed his help. Because he could live and he could fight and he could go on without her just as Buffy would have wanted. It would hurt everyday forever knowing that she was gone. But he would do it for her and for himself. It was after all what he had been brought back for. It was his life's purpose- the only way he could make amends, like she had said.

So he came back to L.A and was greeted by his friends all happy to see him and he felt lighter than he had in a while. But then he'd gone on a mission led by one of Cordelia's visions and was confronted by a face from his past. This led to a showdown with a former friend, a vampire who had his own ideas of love and who questioned Angels understanding of it at all. About how Angel could possibly go on living after all when the one he loved was dead? Angel was left feeling guilty then that he's been able to go on without Buffy after all that they meant to each other. But Cordelia implored him to remember that he's was good man, and it's because of that that he is able to carry on his mission with Buffy gone.

'You're a good guy, still trying to help people and that's not betraying her-that's honouring her.'

So Angel listened and let her words wash over him, he knew that she was right. He had been living now for two years without her and he would continue to do so, he had to. He knew that he would think about her everyday and he knew that it would never stop hurting. And he would dream of her and hope that he would meet her again. He also knew that there would be moments alone when he would be unable to hold back the tide of grief that was threatening to overwhelm him even now. Every time he thought of her but he would go on fighting because that's what he did, that was his purpose.

**Ridiculously short chapter but just had to cover the start of Angel season 3. Next chp straight up because that's really short as well – Buffy's resurrection. **


	16. 15 Bargaining

**Meanwhile in Sunnydale...**

**Chapter Fifteen - Bargaining**

**Short chapter again. Time to bring are Buffy back, the world just isn't the same without her...**

**(Two steps from hell – Moving Mountains.)**

At midnight, Willow, Xander, Anya and Tara knelt in a circle around Buffy's grave. The night was especially dark the atmosphere tense. In her arms Willow held the urn of Osiris, the key to this whole thing. The others held burning candles in their hands and apprehension in their hearts. And yet hope burned there to. It was time to do this. Time to bring their Buffy back.

There was little doubt in Willow's mind that she could do this. It was the right thing, how could it not be? After all Buffy could be suffering in hell right now, a torment she did not deserve. So they would do this and she would have her best friend back. And so she began the incantation...

'_**Osiris, keeper of the gate, **_

_**Master of all fate**_

_**Hear us.'**_

Willow cried out the words as she poured the Vino de madre in to the urn. She then reached inside and marked her forehead and cheeks.

'_**Before time, and after**_

_**Before knowing and nothing.'**_

Then she spread the rest of the Vino de madre on Buffy's grave. As the others looked on in anticipation and fear.

'_**Accept our offering,**_

_**Know our prayer.'**_

She placed the urn down, then suddenly as if from nowhere knife wounds appeared cut deep into her arm by some invisible force. Xander made to reach for his best friend to aid her and end all of this but Tara though frightened herself implored them not to break the circle, it was a test that Willow must endure as the invoker of the ritual to prove that she was worthy.

'_**Osiris, here lies a warrior of the people. **_

_**Let her cross over.'**_

The others watched on with increasing horror as several raised round shapes appeared under Willow's skin and began to crawl from her wounds up through her neck.

'_**Osiris, let her cross over!' **_Willow cried, pleading now for her best friend.

And the two shapes fused together inside Willow and travelled up her throat. She doubled over, seemingly in great pain and then she regurgitated a snake onto the grass in front of her as a red and gold mystical energy began to build and swirl all around her.

'_**Osiris, release her!' **_She commanded now.

The words of the spell were completed but just as Willow thought it might be working they were set upon by the enemy. A demon on a motorbike charged forward running over the urn, breaking it. The mystical energy left her and she cried out in pain before collapsing. The group separated in the panic as they were surrounded by more demons. Anya and Tara fled in one direction and Xander picked Willow up carrying her deep into the woods for their own safety. And the energy that had surrounded her travelled underground to the lifeless body of their friend...

**In the Dark**

**(Blue – Angie Hart)**

White. So bright. So full of truth and hope, and good and feelings that couldn't be put into words. Because there were no human words for it. It was beyond comprehension. Beyond human understanding or imagination. It had no solid form or context but she was there and she was happy. Time was forever, it was long and it was short.

Then gone. Pulled, wrenched, forced out. Painful and real and black. Black. Black. It was so dark where she was. And she had a body again she could feel it. Hands and feet, arms and legs. Solid. Breathing, she forgotten how to do that, and now it was necessary again.

Except something was wrong and she couldn't. There was no air and she was trapped. Boxed in. She didn't understand where she was, or who she was or why she was dying again. She struggled and she put a name to the feeling she was having, she remembered it was called panic and she'd felt it before.

I'm dying again she thought and almost welcomed it, gave into the desire to give up and accept it.

But something inside of her- call it an instinct, told her to fight. Told her there was something or someone worth fighting for.

So she did, she fought and she kicked and she punched and she clawed her way out of the hole. Out of the darkness. She struggled through wood and dirt and just when she was ready to give up again she found freedom. She found air and space and new colours, a new place to be frightened of.

Better than the first one to be true. But it left her with more questions, more confusions. Faces and places and names flashed in her mind. Memories- what a funny word she thought, even though she comprehended what it meant.

She heard sounds and saw light and her mind told her to follow.

What happened after, she still struggled later to really remember or comprehend in words. When she was Buffy again, or a version of Buffy, human but not so whole inside. She couldn't really explain what it had been like to be thrown back into her body in this painful old world. Back in Sunnydale which now seemed like hell.

She just remembered certain feelings, certain discoveries like the sound of someone's voice and how loud it seemed, the sensations of hot from the fires and the cold spray of water in the shower. The feel of a punch, the texture of cotton when Dawn had changed her clothes. The feel of skin on skin when Spike had touched her wounded hands.

Spike and Dawn, Dawn her sister-she had felt an instinct to save her, she loved her, she knew that much. Love she remembered what that felt like.

She loved Dawn, and Willow and Xander and Giles.

But she didn't feel right. She didn't feel like Buffy anymore. But she remembered the important things.

Like she was the slayer. That was instinct, when those demons had attacked her in the street she'd remembered how to fight and remembered how to protect her friends.

She just hoped that with time the other stuff would come back. She knew the words, knew what they meant but she just didn't seem to be able to feel them, happiness and warmth, hope and passion.

But she couldn't tell them that. She knew it would upset them. So she felt alone in her suffering. There was no one she could talk to. So she thanked them for bringing her back even though she was dying inside.

She longed to go to Angel. Angel- she'd remembered his name before her own had really felt natural to her. Tall and dark and beautiful and a spectre of hope. She knew that she'd loved him and that she'd watched him in her happy place. In heaven.

But she was afraid to go to him now even though she longed for it. One of the few things she did feel. Afraid he would not want to see her. Afraid that he would realise she had come back wrong.

Was there no one she could turn too? Spike? Maybe Spike, he said he loved her and with him she didn't feel like she had to pretend or put up a front. She didn't care how he saw her. After all whisper in a dead man's ear, doesn't make it real. She didn't love him, he wasn't Angel, and she wouldn't feel afraid of judgement.

Maybe she could confide in him. But Angel, how she longed for him.

But then there was no time to think of him as her return heralded a new enemy. One that was attacking her home, her Mother's home and Buffy had to protect her friends. And she had to pretend that she was grateful that they had brought her back. Had to pretend that she had been in hell and not in heaven where everything had been wondrous and she had been whole. And now she was dealing with financial issues as well of those of the demon variety. And yet Buffy found herself unable to care that much.

Then the phone call had happened and everything had changed...

**Whoop Whoop 3 chapters in one night. Hope you liked. Did you notice the 'Once more with feeling' reference? I really enjoyed writing the Buffy crawling out of her grave bit. It took me a while to write that, I just kept thinking over the episode and how to describe that through her mind. I'm kind of proud of that bit. I think it's one of the best bits I've written so far. So it's nearly over folks not long to go now. Reviews greatly appreciated. J x **


	17. 16 Journey to you

**Journey to you **

**This is the last chapter before they meet, were nearly there...**

**(Switchfoot – Dare you to move)**

**Takes place right after Buffy episode 'Flooded' (Series 6)**

'Buffy, what is it?' Giles asked turning when he saw Buffy come back into the trashed living room with a small travelling bag. She looked frazzled and confused, even more so than earlier. It was the most emotion he had seen from her since his return from England and though she didn't look happy he was glad that she was at least expressing something. He wondered if it related to the demon that had decimated most of the Summer's living room earlier in the latest attack against the slayer. But he realised his musings were off as she spoke.

'Angel,' Buffy answered him, looking directly in to his gaze.

'Is he in trouble?' He questioned, confused and concerned.

'He knows that I'm ... He, he needs to see me. I have to see him,' was all she offered in explanation to him. But Giles understood, she needn't say anymore. A reunion between the two of them was inevitable and he had actually been surprised that it hadn't happened almost immediately upon Buffy's resurrection.

When he had enquired with Willow about it she had told him that Angel didn't know Buffy was alive yet and though Giles had thought that it was wrong that Angel be kept in the dark for so long, he hadn't voiced his opinion. It was up to Buffy and Buffy alone when and how she contacted him. She was not a child and would make the right decision. He realised now that it was that time. He could only imagine what the reunion would mean to the two of them and he was happy for it remembering the state Angel had been in when he was grieving. He was glad for him now. He was glad for all of them, himself included.

'Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.'

'Not L.A and not here, somewhere in the middle, there's a, a place...' She trailed off in her explanation leaving Giles a little concerned.

'I see. Well, we should get all these ... bills and things out of the way before,' he suggested.

'I gotta go now,' Buffy responded leaving no room for disagreement with him. She had clearly made her decision and Giles didn't even consider interjecting. She needed this and he hadn't the heart to disagree with her. Though he knew she was shirking off her adult responsibilities, but right now it was entirely understandable.

She turned to leave, but paused after a second and looked back at Giles an un readable expression appearing on her young face. 'Um, thanks for taking care of this for me.'

Then without another word she turned and walked out the house. She grabbed Xander's keys on the way and made for his car parked at the front of her drive. Hoping he wouldn't miss it too much and that he would understand when Giles told him where she had gone. Her hands shook as she placed the keys in the door to get inside. 'Calm Buffy calm,' she said out loud to herself before getting into the drivers seat and pulling away from her house.

She drove slowly through the streets of Sunnydale to get re -accustomed to driving again and within fifteen minutes she reached the edges of town. Passing the 'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING SUNNYDALE' sign she shivered as she remembered the time just over three years ago when she had previously left town and her friends and family behind after she had sent Angel to hell. Thinking over the fact made her realise that her life really did suck a hell of a lot of the time.

Her driving skills having vastly improved Buffy made good time, realising that she was probably going to beat him there. They had arranged to meet at a midpoint between L.A and Sunnydale at a little hotel off the main highway that they had once stayed at together. It was small and beautiful and the memory of their day there brought a smile to her face.

She had never told any of the gang about it knowing that they would have had their own judgements and probably disapprove, especially Xander. And she hadn't wanted their opinions to spoil the memory of their time together. She had told them instead that she had been visiting her Father in L.A.

It was shortly before the start of her freshman year at UC Sunnydale. Angel had sent her a letter to tell her he had chosen to stay in L.A and if she ever really needed him in a battle in Sunnydale she could reach him at the particular address he gave. Her heart had nearly leapt out her chest when she'd first realised who the letter was from; she had cried and then she'd crumpled it up before un-crumpling it again not a minute later fetching it out the bin she'd thrown it in and finally reading it through.

She hadn't shared that bit of information with anyone else. Knowing how desperately her friends had wanted her to move on from Angel and the pain their relationship had caused her. She hadn't responded to his letter and then not two weeks later she had received a phone call and it had been him.

He had said that he had some acquired some important information for her about a possible threat at the Hellmouth. And then somehow against her and his better judgement, she wasn't quite sure how it had happened even now but they had agreed to meet, not in Sunnydale and not in LA but somewhere in the middle.

So Buffy had found the little town and they agreed to see each other the next day. And what a day it had been; bittersweet but still amazing. Just to see him and to get the goodbye she had wanted all along. Instead of reopening old wounds and making her depressed like she thought it might she had left him and gone back home feeling lighter than she had in a while. His words and company making her realise she had so much to look forward to and move towards. Though she missed him desperately again a few days later. She loved him but she wouldn't let the pain of that hold her back. She was glad therefore that they decided to meet here; it was a happy spot in her memory.

As she turned off the highway at a junction that would lead her in the direction of the small town the hotel was situated in, Buffy's memories drifted back to the phone call earlier that had started her on the path to this place.

She had known that she needed to tell Angel since the moment she was brought back and Willow had started the process for her. She phoned L.A and spoke to Cordelia then she had passed the call on to Buffy thinking she'd want to explain herself. She had been so shocked to hear Cordelia's voice as it had been so long since they'd spoken, that for a moment she completely forgot what she was calling for.

'Buffy!' Cordelia had exclaimed sounding both surprised and happy. 'Is that you?'

'Cordelia, Yer it's me, God I'm sorry I didn't...I mean I forgot you didn't know...How is...Erm.' Buffy had stumbled over her words unsure of what to say. 'Erm, Is Angel there? I think I should really talk to him.'

'Yer, but how, how did this all happen?' Cordelia asked eagerly.

'Long story, but Willow really I guess and the guys they brought me back with magic.'

'Wow,' Cordelia said. 'Wow, just Wow.'

'Yer,' Buffy waited for an indication that Cordelia was going to get Angel. 'Erm Cordelia...Angel?'

'Oh Yer sorry, I'll go get him, it's just I can't believe it Buffy, your alive, it's amazing, oh my God when I tell Angel. I'll get him now...and Buffy?'

'Yer?'

'I'm glad, I'm glad your back, world kinda needs you,' she laughed.

'Thanks Cordelia,' Buffy had said, pleasantly surprised at Cordelia's kind words and the obvious change that had happened to her since her bitchy cheerleader days in Sunnydale. Buffy had always sensed there was a deeper, kinder side to Cordelia and it was nice to realise that was true.

She was glad that Angel had someone to look out for him even if she was a little jealous that it wasn't her. She couldn't believe it though when Angel came to the phone a minute later. It had been such a shock to hear him speak. It felt like forever since she had spoken to him last and his voice was beautiful and after hearing it she longed to be able to see his face as well.

She had been putting this off for too long now she had thought guiltily. She had wanted to see him desperately and tell him since the moment she had returned and gained her senses. But she had been afraid, she couldn't really explain why, but she was. Then they'd been so busy fighting of various demons and she's been consumed with trying to find some semblance of normality, to be able feel like herself again.

But now the cat was well and truelly out of the bag. She hadn't wanted it to happen that way him finding out over the phone through someone else. He'd sounded so hurt and pained; he said he needed to see her, to see for himself that she was really back. She just hadn't been ready before, but now she didn't have a choice. After hearing his voice she needed to see him to, to touch him, and just be in his presence.

She hadn't realised up until this moment how much she wanted that. But she still didn't feel like herself, she'd been able to get by so far with her friends, pretending that everything was fine, pretending that she felt happy and normal. But she wasn't sure that she could do that with Angel, he always saw right through her. But could she really tell him the truth? Tell him that she had been in heaven and tell him that she knew about that day. That she remembered.

Buffy pulled off the main highway and continued the short journey to the hotel that she remembered from last time. Once off the main roads the view on either side became picturesque and striking. The hotel was situated near a small, quaint town and there were fields of beautiful flowers growing all around just as she remembered.

Though it had been steadily getting dark shortly after she had left, the view still remained. She could hear the sound of a stream nearby and she appreciated what a nice place this would be to live if you were an ordinary person. Which unfortunately she wasn't.

Distracted by the negative train her thoughts had taken, she focused her attention back to the main route ahead, ignoring the splendour around her which now all of a sudden seemed dulled and sad. She pulled up outside the hotel about five minutes later. It was a small, charming looking building- old-world. It didn't have that many rooms but it wasn't a very busy place and she knew that even without a prior reservation she would be able to get one.

She approached the desk and was greeted by a kindly looking middle aged lady who smiled at her. Buffy quickly asked for a room and explained that her and her 'husband' Angel had stayed here once before. Once she was given the key she asked the woman if she could direct him to the room when he showed up.

She agreed but seemed a little confused by the instructions given that Buffy had no real luggage on her; she wondered why they were arriving separately. Buffy offered her no more of an explanation though, as she cared not if the older woman decided to jump to any conclusions and make a judgement.

She made her way to the room. It was slightly old fashioned but it was very pretty and quite large. With a king size bed and on suite bathroom. Buffy ran her hand along the top of the dark panelled wooden desk top. She was nervous and a little apprehensive about seeing Angel. It had been so long and so much had happened in both their lives since their last meeting. She reached the mirror and looked upon it, she gasped slightly taking in her own appearance; she looked pale, thin and tired.

The girly part of her conscious didn't want Angel, the ever so beautiful Angel to see her like this. She went into the bathroom and splashed her face with water and wished for a moment that she had thought to pack some things a change of clothes and some make up.

There was a new toothbrush on the side so she unwrapped that and used it. Then she remembered suddenly with a slight smile that she did have some spare things. Shortly after she had been brought back, Willow and Dawn and insisted on a shopping trip to buy some new items that she might need now she was back.

She had feigned enthusiasm as they went from shop to shop buying shoes and clothes and makeup that she hadn't really wanted. But she remembered now that when Xander had picked them up she had placed the bags in the trunk and when she had gotten home without Willow and Dawn there to supervise her she had in a small act of defiance and control simply left the bags where they were.

She felt grateful to them now though and thought to remember to thank them properly like she hadn't been able to before when she got back. She left the room quickly and went to the car. She rifled through the bags and pulled out a few things which she took back to the room. She knew Angel would be there shortly so she tried to hurry. She decided on a quick shower and a change of clothes. Twenty five minutes later, she was clean, dry and dressed and she sat on the edge of the bed to wait...

In the space of a minute Angel's whole world had righted itself again. He had been living in darkness since the moment he had lost her but now it had been wiped away and everything was suddenly clear and bright, like it had never been before. She was alive and that was all that mattered to him now. He simply had to see her, it wasn't even a question.

He had been sat in the garden of the hotel with Fred, the sun had set hours ago and it was nice to be outside even if it was for something not so fun. He had been trying his best to explain that he couldn't return her feelings for him while aiming not to hurt her at the same time. It was awkward to say the least.

Then suddenly Cordelia had come rushing out towards them with a look in her eyes that Angel had found hard to immediately place; she seemed both shocked and excited at the same time and he immediately gave her all his attention. As if he sensed something important had occurred. But he could never in a million years been prepared for the words that came out of her mouth.

'Angel, Willow was on the phone...she's alive! Buffy's alive!' Cordelia blurted out eagerly.

And for a beat Angel had simply sat there in shock, his mind unable to process what Cordelia had just said to him. Then just as suddenly he had jumped to his feet, Fred completely forgotten as he ran into the hotel after Cordelia who had run back in ahead of him.

'She's got Buffy on the phone now,' Cordelia said sounding breathless with excitement.

She passed the phone to him and took a step back and expectant look on her face. With trembling hands Angel lifted the receiver to his face. 'Buffy, Cordelia said? Is that really you?' He questioned his voice sounding pained and confused and a little hopeful all in the same breath.

'It's me Angel, it's really me I'm alive. I know it's all hard to believe,' had come the reply in Buffy's sweet, sweet voice. A voice he had thought about so often. A sound he had longed to hear and nether thought he would again. He almost choked on the overwhelming sensation of grief, remembering the pain he had been through and joy at hearing her speak now.

He met her words with nothing but silence though as he found himself frozen struggling to come to terms with what was happening. It was just all to amazing, to wonderful to be true. He had dreamed of this day, but it had just been his conscience teasing him. She couldn't really be alive could she?

'Angel are you still there?' He was brought back to his senses by her question. She sounded so vulnerable, her voice little the way it always was when she was scared about something.

'Buffy- God Buffy I'm here, I just can't believe it's you, it doesn't feel real.'

'It is me Angel.'

'I need...I need to see you ...I need to see you for myself. Buffy I can't believe you're really here. I've missed you...'

'Angel I don't know...'

'Buffy I thought you were dead...' He interrupted her his voice sounding frantic. 'I have to see you...now, today in two hours meet me at our place.'

'Okay, two hours,' she agreed. 'Angel?'

'Yes?'

'See you then,' and then she hung up.

He had stood there for a good ten minutes the phone in his hand unsure what to do now. It was all so surreal. His world felt whole again, like all the light that had been missing had suddenly been turned back on- shining in front of him. It seemed impossible that he could get what he had wanted so badly. He didn't feel deserving.

'Angel, you okay?' Cordelia asked tenderly, trying to draw his attention from the phone still cradled in his hand. She had been hovering nearby within hearing distance, the shock of speaking to Buffy flaming her curiosity. At her words Angel came back to himself. He replaced the phone and turned round to make for the stairs. He didn't have much time.

'Angel?' Cordelia questioned, drawing his attention back to her.

'I have to see her Cordelia, make sure this is all real, I can't explain now.'

'Angel, I understand, I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, this is amazing.'

He stopped at what she said and smiled. 'Yer it really is.'

Cordelia squealed as Angel swept down over her taking her in a big hug and kissing her on the cheek before putting her down and running up the stairs to his room. He was out of the hotel within ten minutes, Cordelia promising to fill the rest of the guys in on what was going on. He was just thankful that it was dark out as he didn't think that he would have had the patience to wait another moment. He jumped in his car and sped away towards his destination as fast as he could.

He drove like maniac and thought it lucky that the roads were quiet and he hadn't been stopped by the police because he was most definitely going over the speed limit. He had the top down and the strong breeze around him was welcome.

He still couldn't get a handle on it all, he couldn't focus his emotions, it was all so much. He felt like crying, he felt like screaming with happiness and perhaps doing a little dance for joy. He couldn't understand how this was possible but he would be forever grateful for it.

He wanted to reach her so badly that it physically ached inside. He had so much he wanted to say and so much he needed her to tell him but more than anything he just needed to touch her. To feel her in his arms and know for certain that this was real. How many times had he dreamed of this? Only to be woken, the pain too much to bare as he realised it wasn't real. His eyes began to sting at the thought, he took deep calming breaths even though he didn't need the oxygen and reminded himself that the suffering was over - she was alive.

When he finally pulled up outside of the little hotel he parked a little haphazardly in his rush. He grabbed his bag from the passenger seat, climbed out, slammed the door shut, locking it behind him and all but super vamp speeded it over to the main entrance. Uncaring as to whether anyone saw him or not.

He pulled the door with a little more force than necessary just so desperate to get inside. He heard the wood creak but he couldn't find it in himself to be sorry. Not when she was so near, somewhere in the same building and he was only moments away from seeing her. The noise of the door drew the attention of the woman at the desk and she looked up, her face anxious no doubt a little concerned as she took him in. He knew that he probably appeared a bit manic and he willed himself to calm. He approached the desk with a small smile which she then returned looking a little more relaxed than a second go.

'Checking in dear?' She enquired.

'Yes,' he said. 'My wife should have already arrived,' he stated frowning slightly as it suddenly occurred to him that he might have gotten there before Buffy and he hoped not, he didn't think he could wait any longer.

'Your wife?' She questioned.

'Yes, the name would be under Angel,' he responded, looking down at her. Feeling a secret thrill that Buffy was checked in under his name as his wife.

She smiled at him again before checking her computer. 'Ah yes I remember. That beautiful young girl from earlier-'

His heart leapt at her words, she was here.

'She said you'd be arriving, Mr Angel?

'It's Liam Angel,' he lied easily.

'Lovely name,' she smiled again. 'I'll just get you a key.'

She turned away from him and went to the key cupboard behind her, after a minute she found what she was looking for. She turned back round to him and placed the item out to him taking his hand as she did so. She looked up at him a curious but gentle gaze on her face then looked down at his hand turning it over before she spoke.

'I remember you now from last time,' she laughed and traced the top of the ring on his finger – his Claddagh ring.

'She was wearing a ring just like it-' Angel felt his whole self warm at that piece of information. 'It's a Claddagh rind right – a traditional Irish wedding band?' She enquired. He could only nod his head in agreement so overwhelmed by the thought that she was wearing the ring he had given her on her seventeenth birthday.

'You two looked so in love. The way you stared at her.'

He smiled at the memory and she continued. 'It's nice that you decided to come back here. You on a holiday?' She asked a little nosily.

'Yes, are work keeps us away from each other,' he said, smiling at the truth behind that statement. 'So we decided a few days together would be good for us.'

'That's nice,' she replied. 'Between you and me she looked a little sad when she came in. Probably just missing you. You promise me you'll put a smile on her face?'

'Yes Mam,' he promised knowing that he meant every word. He would do whatever it took to see Buffy happy.

'Well good. Now the rooms to the right and down the hall, number four,' she said letting go of his hand finally. 'Enjoy your stay.'

'Thank you,' he said at a quiet whisper.

Then he turned following her direction he made his way through a set of doors. He saw room one, on one side and two on the opposite side a bit further a long and then next to it was number four- his room – their room.

He walked up to it, each step slow and measured and then he turned and stood in front of the door, with the big number four written on it. He reached for the handle and lifted the key to the lock and then he was just still, motionless, frozen and unable to make any other move forward. He was completely petrified. Was it possible for a vampire to shake with fear because he thought he was maybe close to that? He was afraid to open the door, afraid that if he did she wouldn't be behind it and he would wake up from the cruellest dream yet. A punishment- which he surely deserved for all his past transgressions.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to do it, to open the door and stop being such a pansy as Spike would have put it and get in the goddamn room. And then he heard it, in the silence, a tiny but distinct beat of a heart. She was in there and she was waiting for him. So he decided to be brave like she always was; he opened his eyes again put the key in the lock and turned. He pushed the door open and it made no noise. He took a step forward and his whole world stopped. She was there, sat down on the bed. There, real and in front of him-Buffy.

**She's there, he's there. There both there. So this is it folks. You know what's coming next. And it's gonna be long lol. I had so much I wanted to do and say. The last part will follow shortly. Some of it was written like a year and a half ago when I first had the idea for the fic and some of it's been done in the last week or so etc. True labour of love, because I really am the biggest Buffy and Angel geek. Can't believe how close I am to finishing it, and how long it's turned out after my original plan for three chapters. Anyway hope you liked this chapter. Reviews appreciated as always. J x **


	18. 17 Homecoming

**Chapter Seventeen – Homecoming **

**This is it, finally the end, though there might be a few chapters of it. The important thing I wanted to get across in this meeting is how much Angel and Buffy still love each other, but also that at the moment their lives are on separate paths and they have to be okay with that. Now I write it like that not because that's what I want for B and A but obviously because it has to fit in with canon which means unfortunately they don't get to live happily ever after. Also there are moments in my writing where it might seem like I'm being pro Cordelia and Angel. So I'll state this now, Cangel makes me want to vomit! It sends a shiver down my spine just to think of it lol. I hated that story line with a fiery passion. The only reason I write it the way I did is because Joss Whedon as much as I loved him must have been on crazy pills when he started on Angel season 3/season 4 because he gives no adequate understanding of how and why that relationship was developing. Buffy dies he supposed to be devastated, he goes to see her when she comes back, the only woman he's ever loved in his 240 odd years. And then 5 seconds later he's in love with Cordelia, ignoring that he's a vampire, ignoring the curse etc, i.e., the reasons he left Buffy in the 1****st**** place. Okay I know I'm blabbing on but I really hate it. But I'm trying to give a reason for why eventually Angel might have thought he maybe a little bit liked Cordelia so it fits with the show. But a reason based on jealousy and loneliness which would suggest that Angel only thought that way because he couldn't be with Buffy. Anyway I hope you see what I mean and I hope you don't think I'm crazy lol. Cos I am 100% B/A all the way!**

**Music suggestions – how could it be anything but 'Close your Eyes' by Christophe Beck. Also ****Richard Marx – Right there waiting for you.)**

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><p>Buffy - there she was.<p>

The moment he saw her he had a brief flash back to memories of four years ago when Willow returned his soul. Before the truth of the atrocities his demon had committed returned to him in full agonising detail he had felt confused and lost like there was a grey cloud blocking his path. Then he had seen her, looked upon her beautiful face, looked deep into her hazel eyes and had felt at peace again despite his bewilderment. With his love, his Buffy, his reason for living stood in front of him.

He'd felt like he hadn't seen her in a long time, his dead heart had ached like he had missed her, like it did every day now. Happiness had overcome him them, overriding his feelings of confusion; happiness at being reunited with the only woman he had ever loved, his soulmate, the slayer – Buffy. He had felt in awe of her beauty, her hair was longer than he remembered which had puzzled him. She had changed; he was always able to notice the minuet differences in her. But it didn't matter- he could have just stood there with her forever taking her all in.

'Buffy?'

He felt that again in this moment. It was almost as if they had never been separated, as if he had never lost her. She was sat on the bed in the hotel room. She looked just as he remembered, strong, powerful and so very beautiful. She wore her long blond hair down, it was darker than the last time he had seen her at her Mother's funeral. She was wearing a typical Buffyesc outfit, fashion that was fit for slayage if necessary. Dark blue jeans with black boots and a black top quite low cut with lace around the edge. As usual she took his breath away, if he'd had any.

He looked at her face, she had yet to acknowledge him, and she wore an expression of nervousness and anxiety. Was she anxious about seeing him? He questioned himself. That seemed like a very strange concept. Yet he had always been so good at reading her, they knew each other inside out. Or at least they had he thought sadly. It had been a long time after all since they had really been a part of each other's lives.

She was a complete juxtaposition of emotions; she looked strong yet vulnerable at the same time. She was so little he thought, she'd always been tiny for a slayer but even more so now. But what else could he have expected after what she had been through. She'd been brought back from the dead, he could only imagine how she confused she must be and how that would manifest physically. He realised that he needed to be composed, to be strong for her sake, for whatever she was going through. He couldn't show weakness.

But all such thoughts were lost when she finally turned to him. 'Angel?' So tenderly she said his name, the way only Buffy could. She had whispered it like a question, as if she didn't quite believe he was there. He crossed the room in almost a blur to reach her. Kneeling down in front of her he placed one hand on her knee and used the other to lift her chin so he could look into her eyes. 'Buffy,' he said her name reverently.

He reached out his fingers and almost hesitantly touched her cheek, brushing a small piece of hair from her face. She turned her attention to him fully now, a question in her gaze, as if she had forgotten what it was like to be touched, to have human contact.

She looked at him, really looked at his face and then the tears began to fall down her cheeks and she smiled, a small but magnificent smile that changed her whole appearance. 'Angel,' she said it this time like she was at peace and at that moment he lost all composure, and all of his plans to remain calm disappeared. He took a hold of her hands, gripping them tightly, wanting to hold her, to feel her skin on his. 'Oh God Buffy, it's really you,' his voice broke.

'Buffy, Buffy, Buffy,' he whispered her name over and over as if it was something sacred. A thing to be treasured, the brightest sun, strong and fierce yet beautiful and fragile all at the same time. He rained down kisses on her cheeks, in her hair, on her hands, which he clasped even tighter. Afraid to let go, afraid that she might disappear if he did, afraid, so very afraid that this wasn't real. His control had slipped and he didn't know how to get it back, not with her there, so tantalizingly close. She was Buffy, and she was really alive.

Buffy had never seen Angel have such a complete loss of control before. Not even at some of their worst moments. There had been times in the past like when he had come back from hell confused and animalistic or when she'd told him she couldn't see him anymore if he still loved her, that he had seemed vulnerable and broken.

But this was something different. It scared her to see him like this. But it also sent a thrill through her that she could elicit such strong emotions from him. For the first real time since she had been brought back she truelly felt something. She should have known that Angel would be the one to make her feel again. She had loved him more than she had ever loved anyone before. She had spent her last moment thinking of him.

She immediately felt ashamed at the joy she held realising just how happy he was to see her and thus how obviously devastated he had been at her death. Willow had told her of course about going to tell him and what his reaction had been and she had wanted to contact him earlier. But she hadn't known how to go about it. She felt guilty now witnessing for herself the truth of Willow's words.

She realised something that she had been so unsure of for so long. Angel loved her – he was still in love with her, and in that moment she knew how much she truelly loved him too. A fact that she had buried deep inside herself a long time ago when she had started going out with Riley.

The saddening truth though was that it made no difference, he would leave and she would go back to Sunnydale and she would be all alone and unfeeling all over again. She suddenly felt cold and numb all over again as she closed off the door to her heart to protect herself from the inevitable pain that seeing Angel was sure to cause.

She stood up abruptly moving away from his touch, she couldn't stand it, it felt suffocating now, like she was being teased, given a little of what she wanted most in the world yet knowing it would shortly be taken away from her. She stood across the room from Angel, her back to him for a moment as she composed herself. When she turned around he was still kneeling on the floor, looking confused and saddened at her actions.

'Buffy?' He questioned.

'Angel I...' she trailed of uncertainly, she didn't know how to explain what she was feeling. How completely overwhelming this was for her.

He stood up and made to go towards her but she took a step back as he did so. Pain flashed through his eyes before he covered it and he sighed and instead took a seat on the edge of the bed. Running his hands through his hair, for want of something to do, to stop himself from reaching out for her.

He hadn't seen her in so long, he had lost her and mourned for her and now here she was stood mere meters away yet it might as well have been miles. She was closing off from him he could tell, and it pained him to realise it. But she had been through so much and he would let her set the pace of this, let her say and do what she needed. He loved her and in this moment all he wanted was her happiness. For now this would be enough.

'Buffy, I want you to talk to me, about anything, anything your feeling, what you're going through. I want to listen, I want to help.'

'I...' She started. 'I don't think you can help Angel.'

'We'll let me try,' he said gently, trying to prompt her in to talking.

'You can't know, you can't understand, no one can,' she whispered. 'Where I was...' she continued. 'You don't know what it feels like to be back here.

'Buffy, how did you come back?' He asked, searching her face as if the answer was held there.

She returned his gaze for a moment before she looked down at the floor almost shyly, so un Buffy like. She was surprised by the question but answered him anyway.

'Willow, she brought me back with a spell.'

'Willow?' Angel couldn't believe it, how could she have been so thoughtless, messing with those kinds of forces? And yet in the same breath he could understand, he remembered what it had felt like to lose her, and he wasn't sorry now that she was here that they had brought her back. How could he be?

'Yer she wasn't sure at first that she would be able to do it. That's why she went through with the funeral and everything. She didn't know if it was even a possibility. She told me...she told me that it took the whole summer to try, to prepare with the help of the guys,' she explained to him.

'The guys?' He repeated.

'Yer, Xander and Tara and Anya.'

'Tara?'

He couldn't believe that either; he thought Tara would know not to mess with such potent forces. He had only met her briefly but he had sensed a balance in her which could only have come from being born in to magic. And Willow he had known that she was a strong and formidable force; he'd witnessed it himself after all. But he's had no idea she was powerful enough for something of that magnitude. It would have taken significant, dark magic's to bring back a person who had been taken the way Buffy was. Even more so to bring her back right, whole and unhurt.

'It came at a price to,' she continued as if hearing his thoughts. Or perhaps because she knew him so well. 'When they brought me back, they brought back a demon to; it hitched a ride back with me,' she laughed without humour.

'Is it? Did you?'

'I killed it,' Buffy confirmed. Leaning back against the wall behind her, she crossed on uncrossed her arms nervously.

'There are always consequences with magic...' Angel whispered, more to himself, stuck on what Buffy had revealed to him. If Willow had told him what she was going to do would he have tried to stop her? Could he have stopped her? He felt selfish for thinking it now but he was glad he hadn't had that choice. He was glad that she was back and that he hadn't had to make any of the tough decisions.

'I still can't believe Willow did that, I didn't realise she had that level of power.'

'Well you've missed a lot Angel,' she stated matter of factly. 'She's come a long way from floating pencils and restoring souls,' she laughed this time a bit more sincerely.

He smiled at that to and spoke. 'I know that she's strong. When I came for the funeral we got attacked at the mansion by a group of vampires. Willow was scary.'

'She's the strongest of all of us.'

He sighed in frustration. 'Power can change you Buffy. I know Willow is a good person. She has a good soul and means well but once a person gets a taste of something like that it can get pretty addictive and out of control fast. She needs to understand the consequences of what she does.'

'What are you saying?' Buffy questioned.

'I'm just saying be careful, watch out for her.'

'She's Willow, Angel.'

'I know.'

'Do you wish she hadn't brought me back? Would that have been easier for you?' She asked, the pain of the question clear to hear in her voice.

Angel looked up horrified and stood up and moved towards her.

'God Buffy, no, how could you ask me that? He questioned, his voice rising, sounding wounded and angry. He grabbed her arms in a grip that would have been painful if she wasn't the slayer, and looked her in the eyes. Fixing her with a piercing gaze, his brown eyes filled with unshed tears.

'I lived in a world where you didn't exist and it was too hard Buffy, I can't-'.he said hoarsely, his voice breaking. 'Your here and I feel like it's a dream, a cruel dream teasing me again, like it has so many times before. I've dreamt of you so many times Buffy, I dreamt that I saved you, that I'd never left. God Buffy your really here, your real...my Buffy. I've never felt more grateful that your here. Please don't doubt that,' he said letting go of her arms he lifted her head and traced a finger round her face as if to memorise it.

'Angel,' she said his name again in that way that meant so much to him and then they were both crying and he enveloped her in his arms. Relishing in the feel of her, the smell; all the things he had missed and had dreamt about so often. Never daring to hope that he would experience them again.

He pulled back and looked at her. 'I just had no idea she was planning something like that. Buffy you know right if I had a way to bring you back I would have done?'

'I know Angel, but only Willow could have done it. She wanted to end my suffering no matter what the cost.'

'Suffering?' Angel questioned a feeling of dread built inside of him.

'She thought, the way I died- they wanted to save me from that,' she tried to explain to him, careful of her words; she didn't know how much she wanted him to know, if she should tell him the truth or not.

'Oh God Buffy! I never imagined...I didn't think, if I'd known I would have moved the earth to get you out. Oh God,' he gasped covering his face with his hands. He began to pace the room. 'Buffy I'm soo sorry. You were suffering and I didn't even know...Didn't do anything about it.'

'Angel, no don't do that. Its fine, I'm fine,' she told him feeling guilty, she wanted to tell him the truth but she didn't think she could. 'It wasn't that bad,' she swallowed, trying to think of something to say. 'I coped, it was fine. And now I'm back. Willow pulled me out and I'm fine. So Angel please, don't blame yourself. After all I sent you to hell for a hundred years remember,' she joked. 'Compared to that, I'm sure this was a piece of cake.'

He smiled at her, though it was a little forced. 'Were quite a pair, you know that,' he replied, his voice slightly broken.

'Don't I know it.'

They smiled at each other then, before he enveloped her in another hug, he held her so tightly that she couldn't breathe, yet she couldn't seem to find it in herself to care. And all too soon for her liking he pulled away. His gaze lingered on her face for a few moments like he wanted to say something else. But then she took a step back to regain her composure and the moment was broken.

He took his seat on the corner of the bed again and she returned to her spot near the wardrobe, folding her arms again.

'How long did you book the room for?' He asked her to change the subject. She was looking up at the floor as he spoke and though she looked up to answer him she avoided his gaze, overwhelmed still by his display of emotions before.

'For...for two nights. Do you think that's too long? How long are you planning on staying this time?'

Angel sighed hearing the accusation in her tone, he felt the guilt building in side of him again, it did feel like he was always leaving her.

'I'll stay as long as you want me Buffy.'

'Don't do that,' she replied angrily at him. 'Don't make it my decision like that Angel, I can't do that. It hurts so much already knowing that you're going to leave me again. I can't decide for you how long you want to stay.'

'Buffy- If it was my decision, if it was that simple I would stay with you forever. You have to know that right?' He questioned, looking at her face now. 'It's never really been my choice. Not really.'

'It's funny that, because I distinctly remember you making a choice. I want my life to be with you. And what did you say?'

'I don't,' he replied bitterly, remembering all to easily the words he had spoken that fateful day. 'But –'

'No look Angel I'm sorry.' Buffy cut him off, her anger suddenly deflating. It had come out of nowhere and now she felt bad for it. She sighed, before continuing. 'I'm so messed up right now. I don't know what I'm saying. I just need a minute. I'm sorry.'

'Buffy, don't ever be sorry for being honest with me. I know I hurt you so much, not just that time, but so many others. But it's not because I didn't love you and it's not because I didn't want to be there. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.'

She sighed again, what she wanted he couldn't possibly give her. She wanted him, all of him, forever, she wanted to feel again and be happy with him by her side.

'Two nights,' she said instead. 'Two nights and then we'll both leave.'

He nodded and she felt for a moment like she couldn't breathe, like she was crawling out of her grave all over again. In two nights he would be gone from her life again.

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><p>'Angel can I ask you another question? She asked from her retaken spot near the wardrobe. She was sat down and they had remained in relative silence for nearly half an hour now. He wanted to give her time to say whatever it was that she needed to. He had gotten used to the quiet and hadn't been expecting it when she spoke.<p>

He looked at her and nodded in response. He was sat on the bed again. Maintaining the distance she had created.

'You sounded so shocked when I said Willow brought me back; I thought Cordelia would have told you that actually.'

Angel smiled at her. It hadn't even occurred to him to ask before; he'd just been so concerned with the thought of meeting up with her. 'I was just so anxious to see you. I was out the hotel in ten minutes. I didn't even really speak to her about it.'

She smiled to then, happy that he seemed to have wanted to see her as much as she wanted to see him.

'But how did you think it happened then?' She asked curious now.

'I don't know I thought maybe Spike, but Willow...'

'Spike?' Buffy questioned, sounding shocked, she looked up at him quickly in surprise then looked back down at the ground again avoiding his sharp gaze.

'Yer Spike, he's just reckless enough to try something like that. I would never have thought it of Willow though. She's always been so cautious, but I guess if anyone would have the power to do it, it would be her.'

Buffy rose to her feet and looked at him.

'Spike's been really supportive, she said. 'I know what he was but he's not the same person,' she reasoned.

'He doesn't have a soul Buffy,' Angel said a hint of his anger at this subject making its way in to his voice.

'I know that! She answered defensively. Maybe it would be easier to argue with Angel again; at least it made her feel something and it seemed like they were destined to. 'He is different though, he was there for me and Dawn before I died. He kept the secret even at cost to himself.'

'Yer I know, Willow told me.'

'And he's been helpful since...I...since I got back.'

'Yer I bet he has,' Angel replied a bite to his tone which she didn't fail to miss.

'What's that suppose to mean? Buffy asked her own anger rising closer to the surface.

'I know he's in love with you Buffy.'

'How?' She questioned looking shocked.

'Willow told me. All those phone calls between us I would have hoped you'd have told me yourself. Do you have feelings for him?' He asked his voice sounding pained at the possibility.

'What? How can you ask me that?' She said, looking at him like he'd just slapped her. 'Of course not, it's Spike,' she continued. 'But he is a part of my life now Angel.'

'I know.'

'No you don't know, because you weren't there. You left Angel and I get that but you don't get to pass judgements on what's going on in my life,' she said defensively, wrapping her arms around herself.

'Buffy that's not what I meant. Look I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is argue with you again. Yet it's all we seem to be doing. I still can't believe your stood here in front of me it doesn't seem real. I buried you Buffy. I lost you and I nearly died myself because of it. Now here you are, the last thing I want to do is hurt you or argue with you. I guess I'm just jealous.'

'Jealous? She questioned this time with a slight smile on her face. As if the concept was alien to her. She walked towards him tentatively, and this time she kneeled besides him, placing her hand on his lap.

'Angel, you have no reason to be jealous of Spike.'

'He's in your life...'

'I know, but he's not you,' she said echoing words of the past. 'I don't love Spike.' She smiled at him again then. Looking up into his eyes noticing the moisture that had gathered there. She forgot herself for a moment, forgot that she wasn't supposed to let herself get close to him again as it would only hurt herself later.

'I've missed you Angel. I love you, you know that.'

He smiled down at her to then and cupped her face bringing her closer to him. 'I love you Buffy Anne Summers, so much,' he whispered before he leaned down and gently kissed her lips. Something he had dreamed about doing for so long now. Something he never thought he'd get to do again.

It lasted only a moment but to the two of them it meant more than any words could convey. When they broke apart she smiled at him again, a bigger smile than before and then she took a seat next to him on the bed. He didn't want to let go of her so they sat there, hands clasped, silently, enjoying each other's company, revelling in the moment that they couldn't have imagined they would ever get again.

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><p>And the conversations continued, an hour later they found themselves both seated on the floor, Buffy leaning against the wardrobe, squeezing a pillow to her chest in a gesture of comfort. Angel sat opposite her, his back resting against the bed.<p>

'I didn't do very well with you gone at first, but I think I was getting better,' he said at a bare whisper so she scarcely heard, unable to meet her gaze.

She got up and moved to sit beside him then, leaning into his side and he welcomed it. Having her across the room felt like too great a separation.

'Angel,' she whispered in comfort.

'It was hard to breathe – metaphorically speaking,' he laughed in confession. 'This is so weird to talk about with you right here. But I felt like it was over, that there was just no point without you there.'

'But we weren't even in each other's lives anymore,' she reasoned, hoping to understand. She knew if it had been the other way round that she wouldn't have handled it very well either – hell she'd run away from home when she lost him, abandoned her slayer duties as well as her friends and family.

'I understand that but it didn't change anything –'He said squeezing her hand in his. 'I...I was made to love you Buffy. I may have had to wait 200 odd years to do it, but it's true, even if we were separated. So when you were gone it felt like I had no purpose anymore.'

'You know what your purpose is Angel – to fight the big fight, to help people.'

'I know- when I went to Sunnydale, I stood on that hill where you told me exactly that and I remembered that it was true. But it was still so hard Buffy to care about anything else. To lose you, to see that Coffin and know you were in there, to bury you.'

'Angel stop-'

He turned to her, felt her shaking besides him, her face looked horrified. He reached for her drawing her in closer.

'God Buffy I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about how hard it must be for you to hear this.'

She sniffed and looked up at him. 'It's not just that. I'm back now and I don't want to dwell on what was,' she said.

'I felt so guilty. I should have been there-'

'Angel,' she interrupted him. 'You couldn't have known. I didn't tell you about it. I didn't want you involved. I can't always turn to you when I have a big bad to fight.'

'I know but this was so big Buffy, and I wasn't there and you died. The fact has haunted me ever since. Why did you die? When someone like me, someone who's done all the things I've done gets to live?' I felt like I'd pushed you off the top myself,' he confessed.

'It was what I was meant to do. I'm the slayer Angel, it's part of the job description.'

And he didn't have a comeback for that, so he simply held her closer, tighter still, as if somehow hoping that the act would somehow take all the bad away for both of them. And she held him right back...

* * *

><p>Then they talked some more. To hear her voice again was heaven. To watch her face, each expression whether it was a smile or a frown was a thrill for him to witness. When she blushed if he touched her, her cheeks got all red and she looked lovely, when she was angry her eyes would stare daggers at him, fierce and powerful and she looked ridiculously beautiful.<p>

He wanted to be touching her constantly. Knowing what he had missed out on and nearly lost forever and knowing that he wouldn't have that much time left before she had to leave. They agreed on one whole day together, two nights. They would have that and then they would go their separate ways, back to their lives without each other.

Only Angel wasn't sure he could let that happen not know he had only just gotten her back. They talked about all that had happened to her after her Mother's funeral and he had left. They talked some more about Dawn being the key, about Willow and her magic about her decision to do what she did.

'It had to be me. It wasn't even a choice.' And he understood that.

They talked about his time in Pylea about finding Fred. They talked about when he came back to Sunnydale about his surprise at how both Giles and Xander had spoken to him.

'Xander's changed so much.'

'No, he's always been that guy. He's just grown up a little.'

He told her about the speeches everyone had given and she cried. And he told her about the fight they all got in about how he and Xander had had each other's back and she had laughed. He omitted his battle with Spike, knowing she wouldn't approve and he left out the part about how he had met the Buffy bot knowing that it would only upset her further knowing how much it would have pained him to see it. They talked about her death even though it pained them to do so, and he felt like she was keeping something from him.

'What did it feel like?'

'What did what feel like?'

'Dying?' He asked, looking her straight in the eyes as he said it.

She pulled back from him, but she didn't look sad or angry, just a little confused.

'What do you mean?'

'I've been haunted by the thought that you were frightened, that you were alone and scared in that last moment and I wasn't there.'

'Angel – ' She sighed, she looked down before holding his gaze again. She brushed away the lone tear on his cheek and held up the finger as if it surprised her. 'I wasn't scared,' she whispered, placing her hands on his shirt. 'I was ready. I knew what I had to do and it felt like the right thing. There was no fear, only certainty.'

He didn't know quite how to respond, what to say so instead he gripped her hands at his chest and brought one up to kiss it. She watched him, seemingly mesmerised by his actions. He brought that hand down back to his chest again and repeated the action with the other as she continued to gaze at him.

He had never in his life met a woman as brave, as selfless and magnificent as Buffy. He felt like there was no possible way in his words that he could express how much he really loved her. So he wanted to show her instead with gestures like that. And he wanted to understand everything about her that he had missed. Know every detail of her life, so he could be closer to her again.

'But you were in some sort of hell dimension?' He asked, continuing the line of questioning. She pulled back from him and retook her spot besides him.

'What was it like?' He asked her gently, fearing that the memories would be too painful to bear. After all he too had been in a hell dimension and it had nearly destroyed him. It was only his love for her that had allowed him to remember who he was and maintain any semblance of self. He knew that Buffy was strong – a fighter. But she was also human, and he didn't understand how she had survived, though he was grateful for it.

'What do you mean?' She said sounding apprehensive. He didn't want to push if it was too much, but he thought talking about it might help her.

'You were in hell Buffy; you were suffering that's why they brought you back right? If anyone can understand what you're feeling it's me,' he said, pained once again that he hadn't even considered that himself, that she might have been suffering and he hadn't known.

She didn't answer though, only looked at him, tears gathering in her eyes, she looked at him pleading for him to see, to understand the truth she was trying to convey to him but felt unable to say aloud. And then he did – he understood where she had been.

'Oh my God, he whispered. 'You were in heaven weren't you?' You were in heaven and they pulled you out of there.' He couldn't believe it_. How could they have been so stupid? But then how could they have known, how could any of them have known?_ And Buffy was back and he couldn't wish that was different, he just couldn't, however selfish that might be. But still, she had been in heaven – at peace and they had pulled her out. He felt sick.

'It's not their fault; they thought I was suffering. They thought I was in hell being tormented; they thought they were saving me.'

'But they weren't,' he whispered horrified.

'I was in heaven Angel,' she confessed, and she felt relief that he finally knew, that she didn't have to hide it. 'I was in heaven and it was...I can't even begin to explain. It was beautiful and so bright and I didn't have a form but I was happy. I was warm and comforted. I didn't have to fight anymore. I could rest and be normal. I was just a girl and It was the happiest I had ever been. And now I'm back, and it doesn't feel real. Everything is too much, too loud, to quiet, to sharp and real and painful. And I'm trying to be Buffy for them because it's not their fault. But its hard Angel and I can't pretend with you. I came here with every intention of lying but I don't have the strength. You always see right through me and I don't have the energy to hide it anymore.' She sniffed, she held his gaze even with the gathered tears.

'Buffy...'

'But I'm coping,' she interrupted. 'It's okay; I'm taking it minute by minute. And it's not all bad. I saw this bird the other day, sounds stupid but I'd never seen anything like it before it was these different shades of red, it was beautiful, I just stared at it for ages before I realised what I was doing. And the guys, Dawnie, and you...seeing you again makes it less painful.'

'Buffy- I'm here for whatever you need. You don't have to be strong for me. Break down, cry, hit me whatever you want I'm here, I'm here.'

And so she did, in his arms for the first time since she returned she began to cry great heaving painful sobs which escaped as he held her. Her body trembled in his arms from the effort and he fought not to cry himself at her pain. Once again overwhelmed at just how amazingly strong Buffy was, that she had gone through that and she was still able to function and he felt the guilt at being grateful that she was alive and what it cost her to be so.

Eventually her sobs began to die down, and her tears stopped. She'd cried herself in to exhaustion. He quickly removed her boots and picked her up and placed her on the bed, lifting back the covers so she could get underneath. He went to the bathroom and retrieved a flannel which he wet. He returned to the bed a moment later and she watched him through tired eyes as he approached her.

He brought the cloth to her cheeks and ever so gently cleaned her face with it. Then without any words spoken he kissed her on the forehead and urged her gently back on to the bed. He stood and turned off the light and placed himself in the only chair on the other side of the room from the door. He pulled it closer to the bed and simply sat there watching. Ten minutes later her breathing evened out and he knew she was asleep.

Angel sat silent and still. So still was he that he almost blended in to the darkness of the room. He thought back on all she had said to him as he leaned forward and looked at her closely. She was so beautiful in sleep, the worry that had lined her face earlier had vanished and he took the time to really examine her, to re-memorise every inch of he'd missed.

He still couldn't believe that Willow had brought her back to the world, back to him. He could make sense now of one of the last things she had said to him now before they parted. _You would want her back if you could, wouldn't you? _It was if she had been seeking his permission to do whatever was necessary to bring Buffy back. And without knowing it he had given it to her. _Of course Willow, I would give anything to see...to have her back again. _And he couldn't be sorry for that. She had been in heaven though- and they had pulled her out. How could she have been anywhere else? After all she had done, all she had sacrificed for the world. He hadn't allowed himself to think on in much after he had lost her.

He knew that hell existed- many dimensions of it, having been sent there himself and having experienced it here on earth when he lost her. But he hadn't been sure about a heaven. And it had been too hard to consider the possibilities when there was nothing he could have done about it. He couldn't dwell on it anymore anyway, what was done was done and she just needed him to be supportive, and he could do that.

He didn't want to leave her side not even for a second now that he was here, given that it would be a short time anyway, but he needed to find something to eat and this was the best time to do so. He grimaced at the thought of whatever woodland creature he would have to chow down on to sate his blood hunger. He chastised himself for being so careless the last few days and not drinking. He'd been to depressed to bother, trying to deny the vampire nature he despised so much and he was paying for it now. Half an hour – he would give himself half an hour only away from her; more time now would just be too much. He leaned forward and gently kissed her cheek, so as not to wake her. Then he quickly left the room making no noise as only a vampire could.

Twenty minutes later he was back. He made sure the curtains were covered enough that he wouldn't get burned by the sun when it rose in the morning before he settled back in his chair to watch her once again.

**So that's part one of three. I am pretty happy with it so I hope you guys like it to. I'm not sure if I made Angel cry too much, but I wanted him to, Spike did, and I think Angel should too. Stick with me there is sooo much more to say. I'm trying to tackle the questions I think Angel would have about her return because it's never stated in either 'Angel' or BTVS whether Angel thought Buffy was in heaven or hell. Hope you enjoyed anyway and it wasn't over angsty for you guys. Next chp will follow shortly. Please review. J X **


	19. 18 Lovers Walk

**Chapter Eighteen – Lovers Walk**

**('One last moment' by Christophe Beck. / Lovers Walk by )**

**This chapter was the longest I ever wrote so I ended up splitting it in to two because I don't like to write them to long. Though I had a hard time figuring out where to split it, so this one is still big at like 6000 words and the other is about 3000.**

**Anyway enjoy hope you like, more Buffy and Angel angst and love and a random scene about a flower, don't know where that came from, guess it was just the excuse for the next chapter and you'll understand what I mean when you read it. **

* * *

><p>She was there again. In heaven, clear as it was, there was no colour, no form solid or tangible, but she was there and she was happy. Then she awoke. And in the second it took her to wake fully, to open her eyes and greet the new day she remembered it all. Remembered that she wasn't in heaven anymore, and that she'd been sucked out of there by her friends, in to an unfriendly painful human existence once again. Then she realised that she wasn't at home in her bed as she had expected. That she was in fact in a hotel – with him – the only thing that gave her hope – Angel.<p>

'Angel?' She called out, sitting up and wiping the sleep from her eyes. Was that a dream to?

'Buffy, I'm here.'

No not a dream, she felt herself warm inside.

'Are you okay?' He asked her sounding a little concerned. She turned her eyes towards him holding the bed sheets up self consciously. Though she was fully clothed she felt like she needed an extra barrier between the two of them. He always made her feel naked – like she was laying herself bare; there was nothing she could keep hidden.

'I'm fine,' she answered sleepily. 'Did you sleep in the chair?' She asked confused, realising he was in the same clothes he had arrived in, albeit a little more crumbled up. Had he not wanted to lie with her? Or was he just trying to respect her boundaries? She wondered to herself.

'Well actually,' he paused, thinking over his answer. 'I haven't slept at all.'

'Oh,' she considered the implications of that statement – he had been watching her sleep? She blushed and turned her gaze away from him. She rose from the bed and turned to him again, the extra distance making it easier for her to face him.

'I'm going to get changed, have a shower.'

'Okay,' he responded rising from the chair he walked over to her. She was as cute as ever even in her crumpled up clothes with messy bed hair. 'Are you sure your alright?' He repeated the question from earlier, he touched her hand gently and she flinched away before fixing him with an apologetic stare. It hurt that she was reacting that way towards him but two hundred years of practice meant that it didn't show on his face.

'Positive,' she replied her voice a little too high for that to be true. She stepped away from him, grabbed her bag by the bed and went in to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. A minute or two later he heard the shower go, he sighed in frustration, he thought they had made progress yesterday.

Everything they had talked about, everything that he had found out. But in the space of a few hours she seemed to have drawn into herself again. She was pushing him away, he understood why but it didn't make it any less hurtful, or any less frustrating. He needed to find a way to help her if only a little before he would allow himself to leave, he owed her that and so much more. But what could he possibly do?

The only gift he could give was to listen when she was ready to talk. She wasn't able yet to share her burden with her friends because she didn't want them to feel guilty and didn't want them to judge her for it. So he would be the one, at least for the remainder of their time together that she could confess her secrets, her fears and thoughts to.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later Buffy pulled herself reluctantly from the shower. She was thoroughly clean on the outside however she felt anything but on the inside. Being back here after being in heaven meant she always felt unclean now; this world was tainted, dirty and dark and no amount of showers could change that. She couldn't hear Angel in the main room and she wondered if he had left somewhere. The thought sent her in to a momentary panic before she calmed herself- even if he had gone he would be back shortly, he wouldn't just leave her, that she was certain of.<p>

She felt bad at her reaction before, she knew that it had hurt him, though he had done a very good job of hiding it. She was trying though, it was just hard and strange getting used to human interactions again especially with Angel, though he wasn't human – he made her nervous.

Though not necessarily in a bad way; he was as handsome as ever and her reaction to him made her feel like that 16 year old school girl all over again. The way he smelt, the way he held himself, he was so tall and when he towered over her like before he exuded a masculine presence which she was naturally drawn to. Still whenever she felt like that it would quickly be replaced by that emptiness inside which always lingered in the background, reminding her constantly that she couldn't have a happy ending. She would never get back the innocence that she once had after everything she had been through, and it was sad.

She towelled herself dry lost in these thoughts then reached inside her bag for a change of clothes and some body cream. She placed them on the closed toilet lid and then looked at herself in the mirror hung on the wall.

She wiped away the steam and just stared; she turned and examined herself from one side and then the other. It was the first time since she had come back that she had really looked at herself completely.

She had never been an overly vain person, but like most girls she'd cared about her appearance. But since she'd returned she couldn't remember even thinking about it much, she didn't even know what she looked like really. Seeing herself now she could tell that she was to skinny, she'd always been slim, but now her bones were too visible beneath the skin. She looked paler than before to and her hair was quite long and darker than she was used to.

She turned away not wanting to examine herself further. She applied the cream and then put on her clothes, given the weather lately she knew it would be another warm day so she had picked up one of the items Dawn and Willow had selected for her, a white summer dress that reached about mid thigh. Though the majority of the day was already gone, as she'd slept through most of it she still wanted to wear the dress. Then she paired it with a blue cardigan and some brown sandals. She ignored the little voice in her head that said she was dressing nicely for a certain somebody.

She brushed her teeth, applied some deodorant and then added a little make up; concealer to deal with the unfortunate circles under her eyes which seemed to be a prominent feature of her young face nowadays. Then a little blusher and some mascara. Ten minutes later she was finished and she left the confines of the bathroom only to find the main room sans one soul having vampire.

She looked around and immediately spotted a note on the desk draw.

_**Buffy – I'll be back shortly. A**_

She wondered briefly what he was doing, and how he was accomplishing it in the daylight but chose not to focus on it too much knowing he would return soon. After five minutes however of sitting on the bed though she began to get a bit antsy. She needed him to come back, wanted to see him, talk to him anything. She stood up and paced the room, her stomach grumbled and she realised that she was hungry. She checked the time on the clock on the wall; it was already 3pm, they had talked to the early hours and she had obviously slept for a while.

She had no food on her so she decided to venture out to the dining room, for want of something to do to pass the time till he returned. She turned his note over located a pen and scribbled on the back that she had gone for food and would be back soon. Before leaving the room and locating the dining area. It was a buffet laid out, which luckily still contained breakfast like food and she helped herself to some orange juice a yoghurt and a banana, she was hungry but she didn't have that much of an appetite for food.

She took a seat and stared out at the room around her. It was empty apart from an old couple sat a few tables away. They caught her looking and gave her a quick smile before returning their attention back to each other. Buffy felt that familiar pang and discomfort she associated with her and Angel, before her world started closing in on her again and for a second she couldn't breathe. They looked so happy together, she wondered how long they had been a couple and she felt the stabbing pain of knowing that she and Angel couldn't possibly ever have that with each other.

She turned her focus away from them, and tried to block out the sound of their gentle laughter. She focused instead on the food in front of her. She took a sip of her drink and a bite from the banana before attempting the yoghurt, which tasted okay. Her desire for food had become like everything else; nonexistent, it was bland and she didn't get any real enjoyment from it like she would have done before. She wondered briefly if someone gave her a tub of cookie dough, fudge mint chip ice cream would she be able to enjoy that?

That had her thinking about a certain memory which she couldn't bring herself to dwell on. She still hadn't been able to tell him that she knew of that day- the time he had been human. Her mind was so jumbled up with so many things; her resurrection, being in heaven, Spike, Willow and her feelings for Angel. She didn't even know where to start that conversation with him. She didn't know if she wanted to. Part of her was angry at him for keeping it from her but part of her admired him for it. What it must have cost him to make a sacrifice like that and carry the burden of it every day. It reminded her why she loved him so much.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the shadow of a person suddenly stood over her table. She looked up and smiled a half smile when she recognised the figure of the hotel owner from yesterday.

'Morning dear,' she said. 'Did you sleep well?'

'Yes, great thanks,' Buffy replied automatically in response, returning her attention to the food, not really up for engaging in conversation.

'Would you like something else to eat?' The woman enquired, eying Buffy's selection judgingly.

'No I'm fine thank you.' She responded a little tightly but this didn't seem to put the woman off and she spoke again.

'Where's that handsome husband of yours?'

Buffy smiled at the use of the word husband. 'He's just gone out on an errand,' she replied, hoping that would be enough for her, but it wasn't.

'You make such a lovely couple you know.'

Buffy looked up at her with a questioning gaze and she continued. 'As I was saying to him last night when he arrived, I can remember you two from last time. How in love you looked...' She trailed off a wistful look on her face.

Buffy didn't reply, not really knowing what to say, had they really looked like that? They hadn't even been together at the time, and they hadn't stayed long. Her lack of reply didn't seem to deter the lady and Buffy realised that she was talking again and she hadn't been listening.

'Yes so happy looking, ah to be young and in love.' Buffy smile was bigger this time. If only the woman knew how old Angel really was.

'Well it was nice talking to you,' she said, perhaps realising she wasn't going to get any more response from Buffy. 'Enjoy the rest of your stay.'

Buffy smiled once again and the woman finally walked away, her own smile faltering a little at Buffy's lack of enthusiasm.

Buffy quickly finished the rest of her food, downed the orange juice and rose from her seat. She exited the dining area and made for her room, hoping that Angel would be back, her heartbeat picked up at the thought. She knew it was silly but in that short time she had missed him and she knew that was something she couldn't afford to get caught up in.

She unlocked the door to the room and stepped inside, closing it behind her. For a moment she thought that it was empty because he wasn't stood there. But then she realised that he was on the bed and that he was fast asleep. She smiled her first genuine smile of the day and took of her shoes and crept towards him, so as not to make a sound and wake him up.

He was motionless and of course not breathing which was a little disconcerting to see. The last time she had lain in a bed with him as he slept was that one perfect day when he had a heart beat. So to watch him now was very strange. She crawled up on to the bed and sat herself at his side near his face. He was so still and looked so peaceful in sleep. He truelly was beautiful, his features almost too angelic to be real. He looked so good and pure, and it was ironic to think of what the demon wearing this face was truelly capable of. This side of him was sacred – a hidden innocence that only she got to witness and for that she felt privileged.

She tried to resist but was unable to hold herself back from touching him. She hesitated for all of a second then gave in and brought her hand up and with her finger and began to lightly trace the features of his face. It was a perfect moment, and for a short time she felt whole again.

His skin was soft to her touch and slightly cool and she held in a sigh as she looked at him. She knew then that no matter what happened between them and no matter how much time would pass even if she or he were ever to be with anyone else. She would never love another as much as she loved him. He would always be the one.

She sat up on her knees and leaned forward looking at him for any sign of movement, slightly surprised that her presence hadn't roused him so far given that he was a vampire with super human senses. _Shouldn't his body have alerted him to her?_ Especially as they had always been so in tune with one another. She decided to test the theory further.

She leaned towards him. 'Angel,' she whispered. He shifted a little but didn't wake. She tried again. 'Angel,' this time there was nothing. Emboldened and slightly amused at the game she was playing Buffy leaned further forward still and blew gently near his ear. He mumbled this time and brought his hand up to his face to swat at an imaginary foe. She suppressed a giggle, this was fun she decided.

She blew on his ear again but this time she took it a bit further and ever so gently kissed the tip.

'Mmmm Buffy,' he moaned. And she actually fell backwards nearly tumbling off the bed in surprise, thinking she had woken him. But when she looked again she realised he was still sleeping and now she was very curious to know what he was dreaming about. She moved back over to him and after watching him again for a short time she lay herself down beside him moulding her body to the shape of his. He wasn't warm but she didn't mind and she simply stayed with him waiting for him to wake up.

Not even half an hour later just as Buffy herself was beginning to fall asleep he began to stir; she shot up and moved away from him, standing from the bed, suddenly feeling very conscious of herself and her actions. He turned a little and mumbled. 'No Spike, not the hair,' and she laughed out loud. He went very still and she realised that he was awake now and had probably heard her. He opened one eye, then the other, sitting up he looked at her.

'Buffy are you okay?' He mumbled sleepily, seemingly a little confused. She didn't say anything only stared at him and took another step backwards. He pulled himself up in to a full seated position and took her in. He had come back to the room earlier to find her note and he'd been anxious for her return before he'd accidently fallen asleep.

Vampires didn't necessarily need much rest; they could usually function on little of it but still given that he hadn't slept much in the last few months following her death and that he'd stayed up all the previous night watching her. He guessed his body had needed it after all.

Stood before him now he took her in fully. She was wearing a white summer dress that clung to her in all the right places and showed off her lovely legs. She was beautiful even more so than in the dream he remembered having, that had been fun until Spike had made an unexpected cameo and insulted his hair.

'Sorry I fell asleep,' he said. 'Did you have a good breakfast?'

'It was fine and don't worry about it, you couldn't have been sleeping long and you probably needed it. I got accosted by the lady at the front desk though who wanted to tell me what a lovely couple we make,' she laughed.

He smiled at that. 'Yer – she said the same thing to me yesterday.'

There was a moment of silence that past between the two as they both thought about what they should say, and what they wanted to say, which were two completely different things.

'I like your dress,' he settled with a compliment. She smiled at him.

'Thank you. The weather is so nice outside I thought I'd wear it.'

'Yer it's lovely and warm,' he responded. 'It's a shame I can't enjoy the sun with you,' he said a little dejectedly.

'We could still go for a walk,' she offered hopefully. Happy to do something semi normal with him. 'When the suns set.'

'That would be nice,' he responded, looking at the clock behind them. The time was now half four, they still had a bit to wait, but the sun would be going down soon.

'I'm just going to shower and change my clothes,' he said, rising from the bed and pointing to his crinkled shirt and pants. She smiled at him again and he grabbed his bag and went to the bathroom.

When he emerged forty minutes later, all clean and tidy he found her seated on the chair which she had pulled to the window, watching as the sun got lower and lower. She noticed his presence and turned her head towards him. 'I forgot how pretty the sunset could be,' she mused.

'The last sunset I saw was a gift from you,' he responded and she looked at him confused. 'The gem of Amara – before I destroyed it I watched the sun going down.' She nodded in comprehension before turning back to face the window, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. He took a seat himself on the edge of the bed and simply watched her; it wasn't an uncomfortable silence they knew each other to well for it to be like that, but still it felt strange like he should be saying something to her. To offer her more comfort and kind words for all that he had learned yesterday.

They continued on in silence as the sun slowly disappeared from the sky until it was night once again. She stood and turned towards him expectantly and he stood to, he waited for her to move in front of him, then he followed behind as she walked to the door. He locked the room once they had exited and then followed her maintaining a slight distance behind.

He was afraid to get to close, he didn't want to crowd her and make her uncomfortable so that she would pull away like the last few times. But inside he was desperate to hold her hand. He was embarrassed by himself; he knew he was acting like a shy teenager on his first date, continuingly flexing the fingers of his hand as he worked up the courage to try.

So distracted was he that he hardly even noticed when they left the corridor and came into the hotel foyer. The usual lady at the desk was absent and in her place was a man that was probably her husband and he smiled at them as they past. They were outside a moment later and Buffy walked around the edge of car park and Angel knew that she was leading them to a trail that started not far from there. He picked up his pace now they were outside enjoying the cool night breeze. His long strides meant that he caught him up to her in a second and then he slowed and they were walking side by side.

He looked down at her and found her gaze focused steadfast in front of them. He let out a breath of unused oxygen and removed his hand from the place it had found in his jacket pocket. He reached down and without waiting for permission he decided to just be bold and he took her hand in his.

Her skin was warm and soft and he gave it a squeeze. He heard her heart rate pick up and he hoped that it was in a good way. The way she used to react to him once upon a time. She looked up at him and then at their joined hands and then though she tried to hide it by looking away he didn't fail to miss the slight smile on her lips. The smile of his very own that now adorned his face was twice as big. And he squeezed her hand again as they continued their walk in to the woods.

Even in the dark the scenery was beautiful and Angel's enhanced vision allowed him to see it almost as clearly as one could in the day time. The trail was lit up in sporadic places with little lanterns which added to the overall affect. And he was once again glad that he had asked Buffy to meet him here instead of L.A or Sunnydale. This was their place and it was perfect.

Buffy walked seeing but not really noticing, Angel was holding her hand, holding her hand! And everything apart from that had faded into insignificant detail. For once her mind was deliciously blank of anything; no pain, no hollow feeling- it was just a pleasant hum in the background to the sensation of him touching her. She tried to hide her smile, though she didn't think she was very successful, all she could think about was his long fingers wrapped around her considerably smaller ones. She felt like a giddy teenager. So she tried to focus her attention not on them but on the scenery around and they continued to walk in companiable silence.

They remained quiet as they continued on; the noises of the night were ever present though, the whistle of the wind, the sound of a late night bird announcing its presence, the noise of the stream as the water flowed through it and the rustle of the ground as the woodland creatures scurried about under cover of darkness.

Buffy felt more relaxed than she could ever remember being and without conscious effort or thought she leaned into Angel's side. He hadn't been expecting that level of contact from her and was grateful that she finally seemed comfortable enough around him to do it. In mirroring her actions he leaned his head down on top of hers and they continued their walk at a slower pace.

A few minutes on they emerged at a clearing where the bushes and trees thinned away and the stream parted to cascade down into a waterfall where it merged into the river. The view out was spectacular. Beautiful glistening rocks and greenery that had both Buffy and Angel transfixed even though they had visited here once before. Her thoughts took her back to that day so long ago, things had seemed so much brighter then for her, life was full of potential waiting to be explored. Even though she was still heartbroken at the time from Angel leaving her, she had seen hope in a future at College with her friends. She could have never imagined what was to come and how hopeless life would seem to her only two years later.

Buffy was transported back to the present though when Angel moved to turn and face her.

'What are you thinking about?' He asked tentatively, as if afraid to break the spell that had been woven in this enchanted place.

She gazed up at him and considered her answer. 'I was just thinking about the last time we were here,' she admitted.

He smiled at her and brought a hand up to cup her cheek, drawing closer to her again. 'Me to', he whispered. A small smile adorned her lips then and he found himself enraptured by the vision of her beautiful face.

'Buffy,' he whispered her name and leaned in closer to her. Her eyes were questioning and hopeful and he made to close the final small gap between them and capture her lips with his. Only the spell was broken by the shrill ringing of his mobile phone. He sighed and was going to ignore it but the moment was lost and Buffy retreated back, pulling her hand out of his grasp in the process.

He stood up fully, in respect of her action even though his hand felt cold without hers in it. He reached blindly for his coat pocket and pulled out his phone. He looked at the caller I.D on the screen and frowned. Mulling over whether he should answer or not. He looked over at Buffy and she arched an eyebrow, as if to say go on what are you waiting for.

So he flipped open the phone and took the call.

'Hey Wes, he paused. 'Yes I'm fine...Is everything alright back there?... Oh so why did you call?... I understand, no it's okay. Don't be sorry. I should have checked in with you guys but...Yer exactly...Oh she is?...Well tell Cordelia that I'm fine...Buffy, she's...well she's as well as can be expected Wes..'

Buffy listened to half of the conversation Angel was having with Wesley and she got the general gist of it. They were worried, wanted to check up on him blah, blah, blah. She knew it was childish but she didn't like that his time with her was being interrupted. After all they got to see him all day every day if they so wished. Whereas her time with him was going to be so short. She almost wanted to take the phone from his grasp and throw it in to the stream and watch it get lost over the water fall but she resisted that urge and instead occupied herself by pacing in front of him.

His eyes had remained on her throughout the conversation and he looked concerned and agitated too like he was impatient to get off the phone and the thought comforted her a little. She reached forward and took his unoccupied hand in hers again and smiled at him. He visibly relaxed as he continued to hmm and ah at whatever it was Wesley was saying to him.

'Well I'm sure you can deal with it by yourself Wes,' Angel said sounding a little put out, Buffy frowned. C_ouldn't they appreciate how important this time was to the both of them?_

'Don't worry...' He continued down the phone. 'I'll be back tomorrow.'

Buffy flinched and dropped his hand taking a step away from him. Her stomach flipped and she resisted the overwhelming urge to run as far away as possible. She felt the hot tears gathering in her eyes and she took a shaky breath to calm herself. Willing her world to stop spinning. He would be leaving her tomorrow, tomorrow, it was a few hours away and he would be gone. It was like she'd almost forgotten.

She glanced up at him and he caught her expression and looked momentarily horrified. 'Look Wes I've got to go,' he said and without waiting for a response on the other end he hung up the phone, placing it back in his pocket. 'Buffy,' he said moving towards her.

'Angel I can't-' she said brokenly and she turned around and started walking away. He sped over to her and turned in front blocking her path he gripped her upper arms. 'Buffy, don't do this,' he pleaded with her. 'I'm sorry.'

She sniffled and looked up at him. 'I...God Angel I can't stand it!' She said her voice rising. 'I can't stand how hard this is. I can't stand how you make me feel all these things and then you're just going to leave me again. I can't stand that they get to be in your life everyday and I don't. That they get to see all the things I miss. They get to hear you laugh, see you smile or be angry. They get to talk to you, and be a part of your day. Do you know how much I long for that? How much I dream of it? I want that so bad Angel and we can't,' she broke of distraughtly.

He let her go and moved away, swinging his arms in frustration. His eyes were dark when he looked at her again. 'And don't you think I feel the same thing? Don't you understand how it physically pains me to know that I have to leave you tomorrow. Let you go back to Sunnydale when I know that you're not alright. When I know that Spike will be there all around you,' he shouted and she flinched.

'Angel...' He held up a hand.

'No let me finish Buffy,' he said. 'I get it because it hurts me to, so much, to not be with you every second of every day. Every minute without you Buffy feels like a wasted one. But it's what we have to do. And I'm grateful I have people to do it with. I'm grateful that I'm not alone. But they will never know all of me, or get all of me, because that's reserved for you alone.' He walked towards her and grabbed her wrist placing her hand over where his heart was. 'It might not beat Buffy, but it's yours, you have my heart. No one else even comes close.'

She took a breath and stared up at him. 'I love you.'

'I love you to,' he whispered back to her before pulling her in to his arms. He cradled her in his embrace for a few moments before reluctantly pulling back and facing her again.

'So what did Wesley want exactly?' She asked.

He sighed. 'He just wanted to check in, see that I was alright. I didn't have a chance to talk to him before I left to explain what had happened. He was concerned. He asked about you.'

She smiled. 'Yer I caught that part. And Cordelia? She questioned uncertainly, remembering her name being mentioned.

He smiled at her. 'Oh she was just worried about me. Wanted to check that I was okay and when I was coming back.'

'Oh.' Buffy replied.

.

'What?' He asked clearly confused by her response, or lack thereof.

'Nothing I just...' She trailed off.

'Buffy –'

'I...You and Cordelia...and Wesley, you guys are really close then?' It wasn't really a question, not when she already knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it all from him. Wanted to know, to see if there was maybe something developing there even if he didn't know it yet. It broke her heart to think of it. Especially given the reasons he had left her. But she couldn't blame him really.

They were there for him, everyday. It pained her to think it because she knew with every fibre of her being that they were soul mates her and Angel. But loneliness could do things to people – make you reach out to places you would never have thought possible. She of all people knew that. She was friends with Spike for goodness sake. She had to let be whatever was going to be, and hope that one day they would be granted their happy ending together.

'I'm grateful for Cordelia and Wesley and my friends. I've never really had any before now. When I was in Sunnydale I was focused solely on you, not that that was a bad thing,' he added worried he would offend her and she would take it the wrong way. She had been his whole life back then, his reason for being. He still felt that way about her, but he had other things now to anchoring him to this world.

He continued. ' Even when I was bad. I didn't need anything else. You were everything. But it's nice you know having people who care.'

'I'm happy for you Angel. I really am. I know how much I relied on the Willow, Giles and Xander especially. I couldn't have done most of the things I did without them.'

The words slid easily from Buffy's lips and even though she felt hollow again she knew that she meant them. She could see that Angel's life was going well. He had his mission and his friends, his chance at redemption and she wanted him to continue along that path and not stray from it which he might if they allowed themselves to be distracted by each other. She had sensed when she had been in heaven that important things were coming his way an unfortunately they were not meant to include her – at least not yet anyway. He would have to face them back in L.A with his team by his side.

'Maybe we should go back?' He suggested interrupting her thought. She nodded in response and he took her hand again and began to walk the familiar path back to the hotel.

Their pace was unhurried as they walked back. Angel kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eye to check that she was okay. He wasn't sure what had just occurred between the two of them and he couldn't tell if she was alright.

He let his eyes leave her and wander off in the direction of the stream. It really was beautiful especially with the low hanging trees and plants that surrounded it. He spotted one flower in particular, it was white with flecks of blue in the middle, which he would have missed if not for his vampire sight. It was dangling from a branch near the water.

It reminded him of Buffy- as it was rare and wonderful and he had the immediate urge to pick it and give it to her. It was silly but he wanted to, so he let go of her hand and walked towards the water's edge.

'Angel what are you doing?' She asked curiously.

He turned around. 'I just wanted to get something for you,' he replied before turning back, the grass came to a slight slope and he tread carefully mindful of losing his footing. The area was muddy from the nearby water and he felt his foot slip a little.

He heard her laugh at him from behind. 'Have you lost your mind, get what?'

'The flower,' he said as if that was a perfectly logical answer. She laughed again.

'Oh I see, the flower that makes perfect sense,' she responded sarcastically laughing again.

'I want to get it for you.'

'Angel forget the flower its fine,' she said as she watched him struggle to lean towards the branch. The ground was muddy and he was going to fall if he wasn't careful, vampire reflexes be damned. She moved closer to him and grabbed the back of his jacket to steady him, smiling all the while at the ridiculousness of this situation, he was picking her a flower. It was so human.

He reached for it and on the second time he grabbed a hold of it and pulled it from the stem. 'Got it,' he yelled back to her smiling to himself and then he lost his footing, tumbling over and taking her with him. She screamed and they fell into a big heap in the dirt and he watched as the flower which he had accidently let go off floated away to land in the water.

'Crap,' he cursed from his place on the soil. He really was an idiot. 'Damn I thought I was being romantic. I'm definitely a fool for love,' he chuckled with her, as he tried to regain his balance and rise from the floor. He stood up and looked down at her sprawled on the grass and resisted the urge to laugh again. He held out his hand and she took it and in one swift move he pulled her to her feet.

'Hey it's the thought that counts,' she said still smiling. She started to pat herself down to dislodge the mud, but it was everywhere and she was clearly fighting a losing battle. She took in the sight of him trying to do the same and promptly burst out laughing again. He frowned at her but it was playful.

'Come on let's go get cleaned up,' he said and he took her hand and started walking again.

'What about my flower?' She joked and he smirked at her but didn't say anything in return.

They made it back to their room, stumbling and laughing like two young people in love should be. They were both completely covered in mud from head to toe and that had garnered them a few disapproving looks from the man at the desk as they'd made their way past. He even tutted at them which only had them laughing harder.

Angel struggled with the handle on the door to the room, his muddy hand slackening his grip, but after a minute of trying and a few curse words followed by a giggle from Buffy he finally managed to open it and he ushered her inside first, ever the gentleman he was. He watched Buffy move to the centre of the room then she looked around like she wanted to sit but wasn't sure it was a good idea. She beamed at him and he grinned back, toeing off his shoes and removing his jacket which he placed gently on the desk top trying not to drip any of the dirt.

Angel felt drunk, scratch that – a little high on life or something. And perhaps it was infectious because he couldn't remember the last time he had seen Buffy looking this relaxed. So blissed out did she look that he was seriously considering the possibility that it was some sort of magic mud and as strange as it was he was kind of glad that they'd tumbled into it. The effect had been to simply wash away all the drama and all the anxiousness that had clouded over them. And of course she looked ridiculously adorable covered in the stuff.

Buffy laughed again and leaned down to take off her sandals. She was covered in dirt, it was even in between her toes and her dress was most probably ruined yet she hadn't felt this happy in a long time. She peeled of her cardigan and placed it on the bed side table. When she looked round she found Angel staring at her, and she instantly felt herself heat up. His gaze was intense and a little bit hungry and she suddenly felt very conscious of how thin the fabric of the dress was especially now it was partially wet.

'We should take a shower,' he said.

'Yer, I'll go first-' She turned towards the bathroom -

'No...' he interrupted her retreat. 'I mean together.'

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><p><strong>Mmmm, wonder what's to come? Well you can find out straight away lol as I'm posting two at the same time. I really like the next chapter so I hope you guys do to. Reviews always a pleasure. J x <strong>


	20. 19 I Was Made to Love You

**Chapter Nineteen – I was made to Love you**

**Fair warning - I am upping the rating to M for this chapter folks. Angel and Buffy both deserve it lol. It's not particularly graphic at all, after all they can't actually have sex. But there is a little shower and bed scene so be warned lol. **

**(Song suggestion: Don Williams – Lay down beside me – cheesy country song but I love it. Or on a complete opposite track but still a brilliant song. Love the way you Lie part 2 - Rihanna. )**

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><p>'We should take a shower,' he said.<p>

'Yer, I'll go first-' She turned towards the bathroom -

'No...' he interrupted her retreat. 'I mean together.'

Her eyes went wide in surprise but she didn't say anything in response. He moved towards her and gently took her hand and led her in to the bathroom. He dropped her hand and shut the door with a light thud that made her jump. Then he reached inside the shower and turned it on, checking the temperature as he did so by placing a hand under the spray.

Then he began to unbutton his shirt. He wasn't sure what he was doing, why he was being so bold with her. But he just knew that he had to have her close. Wanted to feel her, touch her. Consequences be damned.

By the time he'd reached the last button and his toned chest was on show beneath the dark fabric of his shirt Buffy's mouth had gone dry and her mind had gone blank. His body was just as she remembered, beautiful and all muscles and hard lines. She resisted, but only just, the urge to go to him and touch him to see if he still felt the same. Instead she continued to stare at him as he watched her watching him as his hands went to his the waist band of his trousers.

She inhaled a loud breath and gasped a little, and she realised with embarrassment that he had heard her when he smiled a little in response. It was as if he was teasing her because he took his sweet time and slowly undid his belt buckle, before removing it and letting it fall to the floor. Then he reached for the top of his trousers and pulled them down and then off revealing his toned long legs to her.

Buffy felt like she must have been gawping at this point and who could blame her, the man was beautiful. Her brain still hadn't been able to quite compute that this was happening right now. Not that she was complaining, but where was this going? That thought led her in to dangerous territory though, so she quashed it down and enjoyed the show.

'Come here,' he whispered hoarsely, gesturing for her to move to him. She hesitated. 'Buffy, trust me.' And she did, so she walked towards him. He brushed his hands along the side of her shoulders and she closed her eyes. He pulled down the thin white straps of her dress and she shivered at the touch.

'Turn around,' he said close to her ear. And she complied, slowly to tease him like he had teased her. He moved her hair to the side and placed a soft kiss on the back of her neck and she shivered again. Then he reached for the zip of her dress and pulled it down. She stepped out of it and he was greeted with the sight of her in only her underwear. She wasn't wearing a bra and she brought her hands around to cover herself. Turning her head round to look at him questioningly.

He gave her a gentle smile then pulled away and turned to the shower. With his back to her he removed his boxers and then stepped in to the shower just hoping that she would follow. The spray of the water was nice and warm and he grabbed the shower gel he had left in their earlier and began to scrub away what remained of the mud.

It was his turn to gasp then, though he covered it a lot better when he felt her small hand on his back. He heard her close the shower door and he turned his head and looked at her face. Her hair was drenched now from the water and he had to turn away because the site was distracting. He grabbed her shower gel of the side and blindly handed it to her,

'Thank you,' she said quietly.

She cleaned away what remained of the mud focusing on that instead of what was in front of her. She didn't know what was happening between them to. They were treading in very dangerous territory yet she couldn't seem to bring herself to stop. She wanted this, wanted him screw the rest. She just needed to feel this; she deserved that much at least.

She gazed at his back and was greeted by the familiar sight of his tattoo, which flooded her head with all sorts of beautiful memories which made her want to cry. Buffy raised her hand and traced the outline of it lightly with her finger, his skin was surprisingly warm. Angel groaned in appreciation of what she was doing and his head hit the shower wall in front of him. Buffy smiled at his reaction.

'Angel?'

'Mmmm?'

She placed her hands on his waist and gently indicated for him to turn to her. He obliged and turned round, and her face was met by the site of his chest, she resisted the urge to look down. Instead she focused her attention on his face.

This didn't help matters though; he was looking down at her with hooded eyes. His long eyelashes making his already beautiful face appear more angelic. And the water cascading down over his head across his body only made it harder to concentrate on anything apart from how much she wanted him. It had been so long since she had been touched by a man, touched by him...

She raised her hand again, stood on her toes and stroked his cheek before settling them on his chest. She didn't know whether she should push him away or pull him closer.

He was struggling with his own conscious; he needed to be touching her always in some way but he shouldn't.

'Angel.'

She leaned her head against him and shivered at the contact. He ran his hands across her arms as if he was trying to warm her up, she was warm enough though.

'Buffy,' he whispered. And she looked up at him. Stared into his dark brown eyes, silently pleading with him; touch me Angel, kiss me. And then she didn't know who reacted first but they were kissing. Soft at first, his lips grazed against hers. Then nipped at the corner, across her cheek, down her neck and she groaned at the contact and moved on to her tip toes again to get closer.

'Angel,' she said his name again, and then he was kissing her lips, hard and frantic, like he was desperate to be close to her. She gripped at his arms and he wrapped his around her waist drawing her closer still. Her breasts pressed against his chest, it was all too much, he wanted her so badly.

'Buffy,' he sighed her name as he broke away to give her a chance to take a breath. He thought of that day when he was human and they had made love and he longed to feel her now like then. Then he thought of that night on her 17th birthday and he knew he couldn't let this go too far. As much as he wanted it, and his bodies' reaction to her was testament to how much he really wanted it, he couldn't give in, not when he knew what was at stake. He loved her still – she was his true happiness, so he couldn't take the risk. Couldn't lose himself in her like he longed to.

So he pulled back reluctantly, he had to even though it nearly killed him to do so. He groaned again but this time in frustration, he leaned his back against the shower stall putting a slight distance between them, as much as could be allowed in such a confined space. But he didn't let go of her completely and kept one hand on her waist.

He heard her sigh and he knew that any second she was going to pull further away from him and close herself off from emotionally. He wasn't sure he'd get her back and he couldn't have that. He turned off the water and she shivered. She hadn't looked at him since he pulled away and so he cupped her chin and tilted her head towards him forcing her to acknowledge him. What he saw made him want to cry, she looked so sad again, so vulnerable and young. His own eyes pleaded with hers to understand, and to know that he wanted her.

He drew away from her and opened the shower door, she didn't move and he gently took her arm and pulled her out and in to the bathroom with him. She was beautiful stood before him, naked, his body responded to the sight immediately again now that he could see all of her. She was perfect to him- always had been, always would be.

He resisted the urge to pull her in to his arms and forget what was important, to have her in all the ways he wanted. Instead he grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around her small frame, covering her from him. Then he grabbed another one, and gently dried her face and then her arms and exposed legs with it before quickly drying himself and then wrapping it around his waist. She held her towel together and drew her arms to herself in a protective gesture.

'Buffy I'm sorry-'

'Don't say sorry to me again Angel,' she interrupted him, her voice so quiet. 'I can't take it,' she paused and looked up at him before continuing, her gaze fierce and a little angry.

'I'm not a child, I'm not broken, I don't need you to treat me like I am. I know that we can't...' She trailed off and moved closer to him. She took his hand in his and kissed it. 'But I wanted to. I love you and I know now that you love me to. It sucks that we can't. But I'm still hear and your still here and right now that's all that matters.'

She smiled at him and reached up and placed a quick kiss on his lips. He smiled at her to then and drew her back, kissing her again, smiling all the time. Then without warning he swept her off her feet into his arms, she squealed and half heartedly hit him in the chest.

'Angel what are you doing?' She asked, sounding amused.

'Enjoying myself.'

He carried her out of the bedroom, struggling a bit, despite how light she was when he tried to manoeuvre opening the door with Buffy still in his grip. He managed it though, after nearly dropping her in the process and garnering another shriek from her. Then he walked over to the bed and dropped her on it. She didn't have time to react though as he climbed on top of her.

Positioning himself so as not to lean too much of his weight on her. He placed both his hands on her cheeks and looked down in to her hazel green eyes staring at him, curious in there gaze. He took his time, leaning closer to her, ever so agonizingly slow. He brushed his lips gently against hers and she made a little noise in the back of her throat that made him want to growl in some sort of gesture of male pride. She was his, he didn't care who she had been with, where their lives would take them. She would always be his.

He pulled back again to look at her. 'Mine –you belong to me Buffy. And I belong to you. Always,' he said the words and she nodded.

'Mine Angel, your mine,' she said it and he felt his whole body warm up at the words. So he kissed her and he carried on kissing her. It was heated and desperate, a display of how much they both wanted each other. He ground himself against her and moaned at the contact as did she.

'God Buffy- I want you so bad, it hurts,' he moaned again.

'Angel – Angel I want you to.'

'How much Buffy? How much do you want me? What do you want?'

'I want all of you, always, so much,' she whimpered.

He kissed her again, her lips were so soft and he could have happily spent a life time exploring them. But he wanted so much more, wanted her in ways he knew that he couldn't give her. But he ignored the inner voice and continued to kiss her.

He trailed a pattern of kisses down her neck onto her chest and groaned when he came to the top of her towel. She looked down at him her long eyelashes fanning against her cheeks. He turned his attention back to her body and reluctantly left the towel in place. Instead he moved his attention to her arms. He started at her hand and kissed all the way up to her shoulder, nipping at her skin a little as he went. Then he changed to the other one and kissed all the way back down. He took each of her fingers in to his mouth, one by one and she arched up away from the bed in pleasure.

He dropped her hand after depositing one last kiss on it. Then he shifted further down the bed and kissed her toes, which had her giggling and squirming around uncomfortably.

'Angel, stop, it tickles,' she chuckled. He just smiled and continued. Once he was done with her feet he made his way up her legs, peppering them with kisses and using his tongue. And suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore and she let out a soft moan instead.

Angel was hard against her and he knew he had to end this soon, otherwise he wasn't sure that he would be able to stop. He took in the scent of her and it was exhilarating, intoxicating and excited him all at once.

He pulled back again reluctantly and looked at her flushed face. She met his gaze with a sad smile and he moved back up her body to kiss her lips again. More gentle this time, more gentle than he wanted to be. She was what he desired most in the world and here she was in front of him ready and wanting and he still wasn't able to have her. It was ridiculously un fair. He hid his pain though and instead he pulled back and stoked her face with his hand.

'I wish...'

'I know,' she whispered. 'Me to. '

He hugged his body to hers then pulled back and stood up from the bed, quickly diverting his gaze from her enticing vision. He re fastened his towel more securely around his waist and went in search of his bag on the floor. He pulled out a black shirt and boxers and then he handed them to her. She took it surprised and he turned his back while she changed and put on his own clothes, some grey jogging bottoms and a white wife beater. He turned back around and looked at her now seated upright on the bed fingering the hem of the shirt, her legs crossed in front of her. It was a silly masculine thing but the he couldn't help but enjoy the sight of her in his clothes.

'Are you tired?' He questioned sitting on the edge of the bed.

'A little,' she admitted.

'Sleep then, we still have tomorrow.'

She looked at him. 'I don't want to miss a moment of the time I have with you Angel,' she admitted quietly. He understood what she meant, he felt the same.

'Will you...will you hold me?' She asked uncertainly.

'Of course.'

He stood up and moved towards her, he climbed on to the bed and leaned his back against the headboard and she settled herself in front of him. He kissed her on the head then put his arms around her and pulled the covers over her body.

'Tell me a story,' she said yawning slightly.

'Well there was once this Vampire named Angel and his whole life changed the moment he fell in love. It was a beautiful day out, outside her school and he watched her...

* * *

><p>She lay curled up in a ball his arm wrapped around her too tiny frame. She'd lain awake for a long while- trying to hold on and savour each passing second that they had together; as she knew their time would was heartbreakingly short, ebbing away with each passing second. But eventually, exhausted from the events of the past few days and comforted by Angel's presence unable to stay awake a moment longer she closed her eyes and drifted off to a peaceful sleep.<p>

And Angel stayed their drawing her in closer to his chest, refusing to allow sleep to take him to, not when she was this close. Instead he lay there savouring the feel of her against him, soft and feminine and he listened as she breathed in and out and in and out, as her heart thundered in her chest- so gloriously loud. Proof that she was really here, that she was alive – that he really had her back. Never had he heard a more beautiful sound. And he thanked whatever higher power for it.

* * *

><p><strong>So what did you think? Hope it was okay. I went back and forth on including some of that. This is my favourite chapter so far. I could have gone far, far lemony with the B and A love though I've never written that kind of scene before but I kind of like it the way it is, I didn't write anything particularly explicit and I think it's sweeter that way. So I hope it works. So much B and angst I know. But there always is when you put those two together. Anyway final chapter will follow shortly. As always reviews greatly appreciated. J x <strong>


	21. 20 I will Remember you  Always

**Chapter Twenty- I will Remember you – Always **

**Final Chapter and I can't quite believe I've finally reached it. It seems to me like I've been working on this story forever. Now are two heroes are going to have a bit of a hard time letting go, because they love each other so much, but it's gotta be done Sad times. **

**(Sade – By your side. And then 'I'll remember you' by Sophie Zelmani.) – I recommend listening to this song at the part when Angel suggests a dance – right near the end. **

Buffy awoke in Angel's arms and she knew that this was how she wanted to wake every morning for the rest of her life. Unfortunately for her she knew that that wasn't going to be reality and she sighed and looked quickly at the clock on the wall. It was nearly noon and when the sunset on this day they would leave.

She wiped the sleep from her eyes and yawned before she began to pull herself free from his embrace.

'Morning, he said voice a little gravelly.

She jumped a little in surprise that he was awake, he had startled her, though she should have really known better, this was Angel after all.

'Morning,' she responded, turning her body round to face him. His hair looked a little ruffled; sticking up at odd angles, probably from leaning against the back of the bed and it made him look boyish and cute. Without thinking she brought her hand up and gently ran it through his locks. He smiled and closed his eyes, and made a little noise of appreciation which her body reacted to immediately. Reluctantly she pulled her hand back to her lap.

She looked down at the bed and then about the room, anywhere but at him. She didn't know what to say, they only had a few hours left and she didn't want to waste them, but how would she begin to say goodbye to him again? She felt the welling of negative emotion building inside and pushed it right back down. She looked up and plastered a smile on her face hoping that it looked real enough. She should have known that she couldn't fool Angel though, he knew her better than anyone after all. And he looked a little upset, his eyes lacked their usual fire and he graced her with a sad lopsided smile in return before stroking her cheek gently with his hand.

'Shall we get up?' He asked, already moving to rise.

'What if I said I didn't want to, what if I said I wanted to lie with you for always?' She said at barely a whisper. The smile fell completely from his face then.

'I wish,' he simply said and kissed her on the forehead. She leaned in to him for a second, enjoying the feel, the smell, and the comfort that was purely Angel. Then she moved back and rose from the bed.

'I'm going to change.'

He nodded in response and she took her bag and moved to the bathroom. When she closed the door behind her he sighed and fell backwards head resting on his crossed arms. Today was going to be painful for the both of them he knew that. He could already feel the familiar emptiness building up inside of him knowing that they would soon be separated for God only knew how long.

But he would not allow himself to wallow in such self pity. Not when he had been granted a miracle in the first place. He would without hesitation give up ever being able to see Buffy again if he could know that she would be happy, and would live a good long life without him there, even though it would kill him to do it. Everything he wanted he wanted because of her. She would always be his reason, the goodness inside that allowed him to rise out of the darkness that so often consumed his life.

So he would expect the burden of being separated from her for now, when the alternative could have been so much worse. He had lived through the darkest of times when she had been dead. Compared to that, this was a gift. He would hate it – but he would get by without her at his side.

Buffy stood behind the bathroom door, taking in great big breaths. She felt like she was suffocating. It was ridiculous her and Angel had been separated for over two years but the idea of leaving him now was literally threatening to bring her to her knees. Being with him again had been like being on vacation from her horrible life for a few days. It was a harsh reality to face but her life back in Sunnydale felt empty, devoid of anything real or important.

But being here with Angel she felt...well she felt everything; happy, sad, elated, angry, passionate, aroused, loved, loving. It was scary and amazing to experience such a myriad of emotions and she didn't want to let it go but she knew as soon as he left her that it would all disappear. In Sunnydale the only person she could talk to, could confide in, as strange as it was, was Spike –but he wasn't Angel. She could never love him like that and that was the difference.

She leaned her head against the door and heard the distinct sound of Angel moving about the room. He'd become so much more domesticated now that he had a group of friends surrounding him. Before back in Sunnydale he'd always been so quiet, stealthy, blending in to the shadows; appearing and disappearing without a sound before you could even work out what had happened. She smiled at the memory but she liked that he acted more connected to the world now.

She needed to get out of the bathroom she realised before he worried about her (as he inevitably would) and tried to come in after her. They couldn't have a repeat of yesterday as much as she wanted it, as much as it warmed her inside to think of it. She'd been in there for nearly an hour now, so she took another deep breath and opened the door.

He was sat on the chair now near the window; though the curtains were firmly shut it made her a little nervous as it was still daylight outside. He was reading a book but he looked up at her as she came back into the room, placing it down. He gave her a small smile then rose from the chair.

He examined her brazenly from head to toe and she knew she was blushing even though she was wearing nothing revealing, just a dark pair of skinny jeans and a white top, though it was quite fitting it was hardly sexy.

'You look lovely,' he said to her as he passed, he grabbed his overnight back and then turned and looked at her again before disappearing himself into the bathroom.

She took his seat in the chair and picked up the book he had been reading. It was old and worn and was written in what she figured was Latin though so she had no chance of being able to read it. So she replaced it back where she had found it. She sat there bringing her knees up and resting her head on them. She tilted her head and looked at the clock, it was now half one. The time was literally melting away and she regretted wasting so much of it getting ready.

Angel was much quicker than her and after twenty minutes of her alternately staring at the ceiling and twiddling her fingers he emerged, freshly showered, freshly clothed and beautiful as always. She felt the relief wash over her at the sight at him and almost jumped from the chair but thought better of it.

'Are you hungry?' He asked her. He brought his bag to the bed and she silently passed him his book which he packed.

'Buffy? Are you hungry?' He repeated.

'What, Oh, I'm fine,' she replied a little distractedly, as if her mind was elsewhere.

He tutted at her. 'Buffy the last time you had food was yesterday lunch time. You have to eat,' he insisted, looking at her with concern. She was awfully skinny; it was something he had noticed immediately upon seeing her. She was still beautiful but he was concerned she wasn't eating enough.

She noticed him noticing her and she stood from the chair and drew her arms around herself self consciously. 'I don't want to waste the time we have left,' she said and he felt bad for pushing her.

'Well why don't you get something and bring it back here?' He suggested softly appeasing her.

She nodded and went round him, giving him as wide a birth as possible as she did. She left the room and he sat on the bed. Five minutes later she returned and knocked on the door. He stood and opened it; she had a bottle of water, a banana, an apple and a bagel. It wasn't that much (if it was up to him it would be much more) but it would do.

He sat back on the bed and she sat on the chair and they remained that way, silent apart from the occasional sound from her eating her food. It had gotten awkward again, and he didn't know how to break it.

'Come sit with me,' he finally said when he couldn't stand the silence anymore. She looked at him and he thought she was going to say no. But then she dropped the apple she had nearly eaten and rose to join him on the bed. She took of her shoes and they sat next to each other shoulder to shoulder. Neither of them relaxed. It was ridiculously uncomfortable and awkward; he let out a heavy sigh and decided to rectify the situation. They didn't have time enough left to play this game anymore, they knew each other to well and loved each other to much for it to be strained. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around her, she was stiff for half a second but then she relaxed into it and he smiled.

'So what are you thinking about?' She asked repeating his question from yesterday.

'You don't want to know,' he replied despondently.

'Try me.'

'I don't even know,' he admitted. 'My mind is going a mile a minute, I can't stop thinking about everything; all that you've told me, what you've been through. What it's going to be like when you leave – ' she stiffened at that. 'What it all must have been like for you, I can't even begin to imagine. I feel really helpless Buffy.' He confessed, before he released her and turned to look at her.

'Have I helped you at all?'

She smiled at him. 'Angel, being here, you have no idea. Being with you I feel good again.'

'But when you go back home? He asked tentatively.

'I don't know. Everything is so strange. I can't focus either. Today I'm here with you and I'm happy, last week I was fighting off a demon that got brought to earth because of me, I crawled my way out of my own grave – who knows-'

'What?' He interrupted, his face contorted, his eyes widening in anger and surprise.

'What did you say?'

'Angel-'

'God, you had to crawl out of your own grave,' he said horrified as he moved away from her so he could turn and look her in the eyes. She could only nod. He hadn't thought about that –it hadn't crossed his mind and it obviously hadn't occurred to the Scooby's either. He was so angry at them for putting her though that. What she must have been through.

He remembered the experience himself; it had been a strange thing to go through, disorientating, and confusing. But he had been a soulless evil creature, darkness was his playground. He hadn't needed to breathe either. But Buffy she was human and to have experienced that alone it must have been petrifying. Not for the first time he realised he would never be able to forgive himself for being there when she needed him most.

_How much could one person go through?_ He thought, before they just gave up. No wonder Buffy was so out of it, she'd been snatched out of heaven by her friends only to find herself alone and confused and stuck in her own coffin.

'God Buffy, none of this, NONE OF THIS-' He emphasised. 'Should ever have happened, what was I thinking? I didn't think it was my place to be there before because you had Riley, but then he left and then your Mum...died. I should have been there, supported you more. This should never have happened!'

'Angel don't.'

'I'll always be sorry. Buffy, I'm so sorry-'

'Yer it wasn't the most fun I've had,' she joked interrupting him, trying to relieve the tension, though her tone belied the pain behind her words. He hugged her again, but he knew it could only offer her a little comfort. There was only so much he could do for her.

'How are things back home?' He asked tentatively, changing the subject.

'There...there hard,' she answered; she didn't really know what to say. 'Giles is back though, he returned to England,' she added at his confused expression. 'But he's back now and that's helping. But it's hard, Willow and Xander their my best friends but right now I feel so disconnected from them.'

'What'd you mean?'

'I can't tell them where I was, I'm lying to them to protect them, they didn't know and I don't want to hurt them but lying, holding it in, when I just want to scream it at the world is gruelling. I feel this ache inside me all the time, yet I feel numb as well. I know that doesn't even make sense but...'

'Buffy after what you've been though you're doing amazing. You shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel. I...Well I think you should tell Willow and everyone the truth but I understand why you haven't. But just know that it will get better.'

'How Angel? She asked almost pleadingly. 'How do you know that?'

'Because it has to.'

And he hugged her tighter.

She lay in his arms and the time ticked by as they continued to talk, her phoned beeped and she ignored it, it beeped again and she ignored it, both of them to consumed by the ache inside as the time slipped away...

'It's only been two days and already I can't imagine not being with you every day,' she confessed softly.

He looked at her his face hopeful. 'Maybe...maybe we can work something out; maybe things can be different this time,' he said a little desperately. I mean you're not with Riley anymore. And I'm certainly not with anyone else. Buffy I don't want to leave you again. Maybe I'm talking crazy. But it's so hard being without you.'

'Angel.' She said his name again in that way and he smiled at her despite the serious nature of the conversation. But then her words broke his heart over again.

'Angel we can't... We have to let each other go,' she whispered tears now running freely down her face.

He closed his eyes and tried to fight the tide of pain that hit him when she uttered those words. He knew she was right but it hurt to hear it.

Buffy looked at him and she knew he was trying to hold back from showing her how much he was suffering. So it broke her heart to say what she was about to say. 'I love you Angel but you were right before we don't belong in each other's worlds anymore, at least not for now. I belong in Sunnydale, you belong in L.A. And Angel as much as it hurts me to say it I want you to be able to move on with your life. I saw a lot while I was up there. I know all about your life and your mistakes and the people that are important to you now. There are big things to come for you, I sensed that much even though I'm not sure what. But you have to go through them without me. Life is precious and we have to seize what we can. It may not be are time but that doesn't mean you can't be happy. So promise me that you'll try.'

'Buffy I...'

'Promise me Angel,' she interrupted. He looked into her eyes again as she fixed him with her determined glare and realised that she meant every word she said even if he didn't understand them himself yet. He knew she was right, he knew the idea had been a silly dream, stupid, unachievable. But he needed her so badly.

'I promise,' he said. And he sealed it with a kiss.

It started off slow, a tentative exploration of each other. She whimpered into it and he pulled her closer to his chest and soon she was in his lap. He drew back for a second to allow her to take a breath and then he was upon her again, kissing her lips with a fever he hadn't ever felt with anyone but her. He caressed her cheeks with his hands trying to convey everything he was feeling for her without words. She reluctantly pulled back from him to take another breath. But he wouldn't allow her to break the contact for too long and he softly kissed around her mouth.

'This isn't a good idea Angel,' she moaned, her actions contradicting her words.

'I don't care,' he whispered hoarsely before burying his face in the crook of her neck. Inhaling her scent, he peppered her with kisses. She let out another soft cry which had him gripping her tighter.

'Angel –' She sighed his name.

Then they were interrupted by the beep and vibration of her phone for the third time. He groaned and pulled away thinking this was karma for him taking the call yesterday.

'Aren't you going to check your messages?' He asked.

She mumbled something incoherent into his shoulder that even his vampire hearing couldn't make sense of before moving herself from his lap. It was probably a good thing to that her phone interrupted them. They shouldn't have been doing what they were doing, she knew it, he knew it, yet they couldn't seem to be able to stop themselves.

She grabbed her phone of the desk top and looked down at it. She had a voicemail and two texts messages. The texts were from Spike and she was betting that the voice mail was to_. Did he know that she was with Angel? _ She doubted Giles would have told him so he was probably just trying to check in with her. Ever since her confession to him about where she's been he'd been checking in a lot. She didn't know whether to be grateful for it or annoyed.

'Who's it from?' Angel asked an edge to his voice.

'Erm,' she thought for a second about lying. But she didn't want to lie to Angel. 'It's from Spike.'

He didn't say anything but growled slightly in response. She frowned and looked at the messages.

'_**Hey love. Just checking in with you. If you need to talk let me know. Spike.'**_

'_**Buffy. Xander said you've gone out of town for a few days. Hope you alright. Let me know when your back. Spike.'**_

She smiled at his concern but decided not to listen to the voice message in Angel's presence. He would probably be able to hear it and she didn't think he'd react very well. She put the phone back down on the desk, choosing to ignore the scowl plastered on his pretty face. She knew he was jealous, even angry maybe. But there was nothing going on between her and Spike, they were friends – sort of. And he had to accept that.

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye as she sat down next to him on the bed again. He huffed and his shoulders sank a little. 'You could have told me...should have told me the extent of yours and Spike's relationship Buffy,' he said sounding a little frustrated.

She looked up at him and frowned. 'We don't have a relationship,' she countered moving closer into him still.

'You know what I mean,' he sighed before continuing. He leaned his head into her shoulder, kissed her neck gently. She let out a gentle sigh and he reluctantly pulled back to continue. He couldn't get distracted from making his point.

'When we used to speak on the phone, you made out like you barely tolerated Spike, that you only helped each other out of mutual necessity. Not that...that you guys are actually friends. And certainly not that he was in love with you...still is in love with you in fact.'

She didn't respond for a moment and he thought that she wasn't going to at all and his frustration only increased. But then she moved out of his arms and turned to face him. She reached out and touched one of his hands and then she spoke.

'Angel I didn't mean to keep things from you. My Mum had just died and I was dealing with Glory and Dawn being the Key. Things were hard, so hard,' she paused, voice breaking. 'All I wanted was you there by my side.

'Buffy-'

'No wait let me finish,' she said squeezing his hand tighter. 'Don't get me wrong Angel I'm not blaming you for anything. You were where you needed to be. I know that. I can't expect you to always be there when things get difficult. I'm the slayer and it's my job. But Spike was there. He looked out for me and Dawn when he didn't have to. And I will always be grateful for that. He risked his life for me, was willing to die to keep Dawn's secret. He told me he loved me, and I didn't take it well.' She laughed. 'But we are friends now and that's that, I'm not asking for your permission.'

'I get that Buffy.' Angel responded ignoring the lump in his throat and the guilt that he felt realising how much she had had to rely on Spike because he hadn't been by her side.

'I just wish you hadn't hidden in from me.'

'You kept things from me to Angel,' she replied barely above a whisper. Realising that this was the moment she had been waiting for. She didn't want to hold it in anymore. She didn't want any more secrets between the two of them, and this was the last one holding her back.

'What do you mean?' he questioned looking weary.

She looked straight into his deep brown eyes and felt the tears well behind hers. She let go of his hand and stood up as he did the same.

'I felt your heartbeat,' she whispered softly, moving forward, placing her hand over his heart.

'What did you say?' Angel asked, shock making its way into his voice. 'How do you-?'

'I remember Angel, God I remember...when I was in heaven...I don't know how I could have forgotten...I remember the day, I saw it...I...' Her voice broke as she began to cry. She remembered, and it was glorious, the one day they had had together. 'I remember I turned around and there you were walking out into the sun the happiest moment of my life. How could you have kept that from me for so long?' She questioned almost pleadingly. 'I had a right to know.'

'I did it for you Buffy. I didn't want to lose you. They said if I remained human that you would die. I couldn't stand that. So I made the decision for us.'

'But you should have told me,' she repeated tearfully. 'I would have wanted to know. And don't you think I should have got a say in decisions that concerned us both? She was trembling and he wanted to reach for her but wasn't sure that she would let him.

'I ...I thought it was the best thing. And then I didn't see why we should both have to suffer with the pain of that memory when you didn't have to,' he said pleading with her to understand.

'But it should have been my choice. Because for one day I got to feel your heart beat. I got to be with you without the fear of consequence and the memory of that would have outweighed all the bad,' she sobbed.

Angel was crying now as well. Silent tears fell down his face. He felt relieved that she knew, he had carried that burden for so long, the glorious yet torturous memory of the one day they had had together. It's had been almost two years since that amazing day. He could no longer remember what it felt like to have the sun on his face, he could no longer remember the taste of ice cream or chocolate but he could remember, could feel and could treasure what it had been like to be a man. To be the man that both of them had always longed for, to have a beating heart, to be warm and to make love to her.

'God Buffy. I am so sorry,' he whispered, grabbing her outstretched hand he pulled her into him.

'I am so sorry. So sorry,' he said to her repeatedly as he buried his head in the crook of her neck. 'So sorry, so sorry.' Without conscious though they both sank in to each other, and then she really began to weep.

'How could they have taken that away from me? What did I do Angel to deserve all of this?'

'Buffy no,' Angel pleaded. 'You did nothing wrong. You're strong and beautiful and amazing in every way. Unfortunately life doesn't seem to care about how much good or bad we do. You deserve so much better than what you've been handed. You deserve so much better than me.'

'No Angel, don't ever say that,' she argued back fiercely looking up at him. Her tears had stopped and she gazed into his tortured eyes again.

'You're still the best thing that ever happened to me Angel. I will never regret you.'

Half an hour passed and Angel sat with Buffy cradled in his arms, absentmindedly stroking her hair and kissing her head. She had stopped crying a long time ago and was enjoying the comforting feel of him; the sun was setting, she could tell as the room got darker but she wasn't ready to move yet, they maybe had an hour left and then it was time to go home. Only home to her was here in his arms.

She lifted her head, sniffling, a little conscious of the fact that she couldn't possibly look very good right now. This was Angel though and he had seen her at her worst and thought her beautiful anyway so he could handle a little snot. She looked into his dark eyes and then smirked.

'What?' He asked her looking amused, her hair was a bit of a nest and she had mascara on her face, but she was still the most magnificent woman he had ever seen. He placed a peck to her lips. 'What are you thinking?' He asked. She seemed to consider his question for a second then she half smirked, half frowned at him.

'You know you'd think the ptb as all powerful as they are could have given me more than a lousy year and a half after what you did.' And he didn't know what to say to that, it was such an old Buffy thing to say so he laughed and soon she was laughing with him. 'I'm thinking about writing a letter of complaint.'

Reluctantly Buffy pulled herself away from Angel and stood up. He didn't say anything, his face was controlled and blank of any expression but she knew like her that he was very aware of the setting sun and how little time they had left.

She went about the room making she had all of her things in her bag. Then she went to the mirror in the bathroom, she brushed her hair, cringing at the site of it and then she splashed her face with cold water, wiping away her tears and make up residue. Her face was bare but she didn't concern herself with it. She walked back in to the main room and he was stood now to. His bag was on the bed packed and her chest hurt at seeing it. He turned and looked at her.

'Dance with me,' he said reaching for her hand.

'Are you serious?' She asked with a gentle smile. She hadn't been expecting that at all, Angel always managed to surprise her.

'Completely,' he responded. He moved away from her to the radio on the desk. After fidgeting with the dials for a minute he managed to find a station playing a nice slow paced song. By your side by Sade. He returned to her stood next to the bed a slight look of bemusement on her beautiful face.

He took hold of her hand and moved to the centre of the room where there was more space. He drew her in close, keeping one of her hands in his and wrapping his other arm around her tiny waist. He knew that like himself she too was probably thinking back to the only other time that they had danced together before now. On the night he had shown up at her prom.

They had moved together till the evening had ended and then against his better judgement, knowing things would only be harder later he had walked her home. She had looked truelly magnificent in her lilac dress and he had told her so, eliciting a smile from her. She had called him pretty in his tux which had made him laugh and then they had walked to her home, hands entwined, silent and dreading the moment when they would have to part.

He pulled her in closer now, the memory caused him great sadness and he was so sick of having to say goodbye to her. She lifted her head away from his chest, looked up at him and smiled before snuggling back into his embrace. He wanted the moment to never end. She was so small and seemed almost fragile in his arms. She smelt like vanilla, it was all Buffy and he leaned his head down upon hers concentrating on the feel of her.

Buffy felt content and refused to allow her mind to dwell on what was to come after they stopped this dance. There time was up – and they would be leaving.

She felt right in his arms here like this, as if the last two years of her life she had simply been waiting to go back to them. She lingered on the bittersweet memory of them at the Prom. She had never imagined that he would turn up and when he had he's surprised not only her but all of her friends to. It had been a wonderful moment to have that last closeness with him before the fight with the mayor and before he had to leave. Buffy felt the tears beginning to appear imagining it and she refused to cry anymore today. So she let the memory go for now and focused on the moment and the feel of Angel wrapped around her.

The song ended, it was fully dark out now and just as they both made to reluctantly pull away it switched to another one. The light guitar beat immediately recognisable to the both of them. They both pulled back to stare at each other a gentle smile played on his face and tears welled in her eyes her previous thought disregarded. It was like fate - that this song was playing at this moment. She hadn't heard it since that night so long ago and she couldn't believe she was hearing it now with him, just as she had been the first time.

His vampire memory was perfect and he recalled the vision of her walking towards him at the Bronze. She had only been 16 at the time and he promised himself that he would have this one moment and then he would walk away from her. Just like he was going to have to do now. So much had changed in the 4 years since that night but his feelings for her were still the same. He smiled at her again and began to mouth the words to her in time with the song.

_**It's daybreak, and you are asleep**__,_

_**I can hear you breathe now,**_

_**Your breath is deep**_

_**But before I go,**_

_**I'll look at you one last time,**_

_**I can hear a heartbeat, is it yours or is it mine?**_

They had stopped dancing now. And he held her tiny hands in his, stroking her fingers with his own.

_**I look at your lips; I know how soft they can be,**_

_**Did they know what they wanted, the times they kissed me?**_

_**And your hands, that I've held in mine,**_

_**Now they're reposing on the pillow,**_

_**Will they ever miss me sometime?**_

_**I'll remember you; you will be there in my heart,**_

_**I'll remember you, but that is all that I can do,**_

_**But I'll remember**_

She looked up and took his hand, the one wearing the ring and kissed it gently, before returning her gaze to his face. He wiped away one of her tears. Then he was drawing her closer, leaning down he kissed her as she wrapped her arms around his neck. It was gentle and sweet- everything a last kiss should be. And then too soon it was over.

_**Your eyes, that always make me shiver,**_

_**Now they're closed, they just sometimes twitch a little,**_

_**And your body, I could hold for an hour,**_

_**It sent me to heaven, with its heat and power,**_

He held her tightly in his arms again; he gave everything he had in to that hug as did she. Not knowing when or if their paths would draw them back to each other. The embrace was desperate and sad and full of unspoken longing for each other. It was their final goodbye.

_**I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart,**_

_**I'll remember you, but that is all that I can do,**_

_**But I'll remember**_

Buffy pulled back from his arms and for a moment he felt the coldness return. Then she looked at him a watery smile on her face. She took a step back and he resisted the urge to take a step forward to close the gap. She looked at him again, green eyes gazed at brown. Then she turned slowly, grabbed her bag and walked towards the door- each step a painful stab to his chest. He closed his mouth shut to stop himself from shouting out for her to stop, placed his hands in his pockets to prevent himself from trying to grab her...

She turned the handle and opened the door and made to walk through and out of his life perhaps forever - at the last second she stopped, he waited and she turned back.

'Angel,' she whispered.

'Go Buffy,' he said his voice breaking. 'Go before I stop you. Go before I never let you leave me.'

She didn't say anything only nodded, letting out a quiet sob as she moved forward again.

'You're still my girl,' he called after her and she turned her head back to to him and smiled.

'Always.'

Then she was gone.

He stood long after she had left. He wasn't sure for how long exactly; he just stood there, staring at the spot where she had been. Then eventually he too left the hotel got in his car and he began the drive back to L.A.

He replayed every moment of their meeting over and over in his head. He focused on what her eyes looked like, what her lips felt like. How it had been to simply look upon her again, to hear her voice and take in her unique Buffy scent. He thought about what had been said between them. He thought about how she had told him to move forward and what she had meant by that. He thought about whether she would be alright, how broken she was and would she be able to regain herself again. Then he thought about Spike and he worried that there really was more to his and Buffy's relationship than she had said, and he worried that he had more to worry about their than he had first thought. And he resisted the urge to turn back around and chase after her.

Mentally exhausted, he arrived back in the city of Angels an hour or so later. He made straight for the hotel. When he arrived he found it to be empty, but that wasn't unusual, and he was grateful for it.

He wasn't ready yet to face the questions he knew would come. He made his way upstairs and settled himself for bed. Just before he turned off the light he paused and went into the top draw of his cabinet next to his bed. He pulled out a favourite book of his; 'Sonnets from the Portuguese' and opened it on the front page where there was a photograph of a young couple looking deeply in love. He looked at it and smiled before closing the book and placing it back in the draw. Then he turned off the light and enjoyed a dreamless sleep. The best he had had in a long while.

THE END.

**AHHHH! Can't believe I actually finished, I could cry lol. Hope you enjoy this final part – I should probably have finished it on the always bit, but this fic started with Angel so I wanted it to end with him. Plus I actually wrote those two last paragraphs ages ago for the end so I didn't want to get rid of them. The last few chapters were the hardest for me to write because it's the scenes that started the whole idea for me and sparked the rest of the story. I wanted it to be filled with laughter and tears and anger from B and A because emotions would be running high. They love each other, they lost each other and they still can't be together. Plus I wanted to cover a variety of issues; Spike, the forgotten day, Willow and sort of unspoken Cordelia. Hope you liked it anyway. **

**I'm just really grateful for all my readers and reviewers who have stuck with me throughout the story. And I hope I did it justice. You know the drill, reviews as always very welcome. Let me know if you liked it, ideas for future fics etc. Thinking now I'm getting into this whole writing thing I might try my hand at an AU next time or an A-Z haven't really decided yet. Till next time. Jennifer x **

**P.s The song on the radio is from the episode 'Angel' in season one of BTVS, it's one of my all time favourite moments in Buffy when they know they need to walk away from each other but can't without a kiss. Also the book 'Sonnets of the Portuguese' is the same as the one Angel gave to Buffy on her 18 birthday. **


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